Lonely vs. Left Alone

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I was asked to make a journal entry about loneliness, and I thought, and my entry basically said that when I'm left alone I feel abandoned and when I'm lonely I feel abandoned, however way I ended up that way in the first place. So my question is, does anyone equate these two topics like I do? Or do they have different takes on them?

If you are wondering, I used to be a very private person that rarely went to school cause of the social enviroment or came out of one's own room for that matter just to say hi to his father. Now my mindset and value system have taken a complete 180 and I crave social situations and feel that loneliness is punishment for something I did or for who I am as a person.

I think AS is a cycle in that way...

I started off WANTING to spend all my time alone when I was little.
Then when I was 13 my teacher kinda told me that I should make the effort to make friends...
So then I started to think friendship was important and value it...
Then, later still I realised that friendship was EXHAUSTING and started to hate it...

And usually in AS the loneliness goes away temporarily when you're engrossed in your perseveration whatever that may be!

It's a strange existence.

I think we have no choice except to get used to it and maybe just socialise in small doses with people who are like minded!

Sam x

Agreed fully. I'm in around about the "Friendship is exhausting" phase at the moment. I'm beginning to question my sanity - as I view friendship with such importance that I don't spend a waking moment any more not thinking about it. That's how I was brought up. However, having never had proper "friends" before this year, I find myself constantly testing my friends out of paranoia and trying too hard to gain their favour. Still, yeah... Naturally, I'm a loner. I don't work well with 'friends'... Still, a loner cannot be a loner if he has friends whom care about him, no? On the otherhand, I'm unwilling to break their hearts or take the risk of not having friends.

Marsian, I totally agreed with you here. I also find friendships very draining most of the time and can only take "socialising" in small doses. I used to be able to do it more regularly when I was working. It was easier to just go for a drink with friends straight after work before heading home maybe once a week but only very very rarely did I actually ending up having a really enjoyable time. Since returning to full time education, I do my research/studies from home and I find that it takes even more effort to maintain close friendships. Having said that, I don't feel lonely. I could feel a bit "all alone" on a bad day during which I'd wish there's someone who can truly understand me.

I'll take Marsian for the win, Alex...

I think there is a difference between being lonely and being left alone.

Left alone - Other people choose to keep their distance from you.
Being lonely - A feeling one can experience whether in a room full of people they know or in physical isolation from everyone.

Being left alone is an action and doesn't necessarily result in being lonely. However when you are lonely it can have many causes and doesn't always occur because of being left alone. Hence the common saying, "Feeling lonely in a crowded room".

For me when I was a kid I was left alone but not lonely. I liked being by myself because I could do whatever I wanted to do without interruption. However as I became a teenager I saw others having friends and realized that it was more important than I once thought. I tried to make friends and most of the time failed, but even when I did talk to someone at school I was too exhausted to talk with them outside of school and realizing what I was missing out on (which I didn't think of as a kid) I became lonely.
However I can still be left alone without being lonely. I do enjoy my solitude if it's voluntary solitude.

ASgirl You look like my cat! She's a British Blue and is CUTE!

I think that the majority of the problem with AS is that we can only get on either with other aspies or with people who are close to being aspies...

I have a few friends who are artists and they seem to share similar traits whilst retaining social characteristics...

I don't know if there's a remedy to the situation but for me I think the best thing is to spend time alone because I need to, to keep sane...

But I do try to socialise with my kinda eccentric friends when I can because even if I spend all day feeling sick beforehand it is NEVER quite as bad as I anticipate that it will be. It's never easy, but the best way to socialise is to make sure that you're doing an activity you enjoy so you don't feel pressured to make conversation all the time. I LOVE karaoke and Rock Band on Xbox and any kind of artistic activity and also dancing (none of which involves conversation) and I find that despite being a little shy I can go out if it's a night centred around those types of activities.

I would never put myself in the situation of going out for drinks after work nowadays unless there was an activity planned because, face to face conversation is difficult for me and I just think it's positive to know myself and to know that I can socialise with other people if I can share an enjoyment with them even if I CANT share an enjoyment through conversation...

Maybe that's just me?

Also, a lot of people who have aspie traits enjoy playing board games and that can be a good way to socialise without the pressure of maintaining constant conversation.

There's a knack to it all and I think it's about finding what you enjoy and how you can use that to connect with other people as and when you feel the need to do so...

I still find it hard but my Mum kinda forces me and I think she might be right ::D x

Just for amusement...

Copy/pasted from... The complete guide to Asperger's Syndrome...

The reader will be interested to know that I have discovered a means of removing almost all of the characteristics that define Asperger’s syndrome in any child or adult. This simple procedure does not require expensive and prolonged therapy, surgery or medica- tion, and has already been secretly discovered by those who have Asperger’s syndrome. The procedure is actually rather simple. If you are a parent, take your child with Asperger’s syndrome to his or her bedroom. Leave the child alone in the bedroom and close the door behind you as you walk out of the room. The signs of Asperger’s syndrome in your son or daughter have now disappeared.

lol... like yeah... leave us alone and we don't have AS anymore! The Truth?

Hi Marsian, my cat's name is Bella and she is a british shorthair. i love cats and have 3 of them.

it may sound strange but i've never met another Aspie in my life. maybe one day i will!

it often seems like a good idea when arranging to go out with friends but i always start panicking a few days before. but you're right, it's never as bad as expected (plus i can always come home if it was too tough going).

hope we're going to get a proper summer this year, there's always more to do outdoors.

You'd better be joking cus my cat's name is BellaDonna! She's supposedly a shorthair but I'd call her more like a medium-hair as she's quite furry! She's been getting in a lotta trouble lately but that's another forum... neighbours trying to kill your pets or something!

I've never met another female aspie cus I think we're only about 1/2500 people so it's relatively rare! Plus, being an adult makes it a little trickier i guess.

But... I've met male aspies cus I study music tech and there are a couple of aspie guys on my course. I'm kinda lucky in that way. Plus my Mum, Sis, psychologists and psychiatrist (much as I hate going to see him) all look after me the rest of the time...

Adult aspies aren't really supposed to be good at learning social skills but I reckon I cope better at parties and stuff than I do during daytimes because if I'm at a party I can use my talents whereas when I'm at work I'm reliant on conversation which, I readily admit is my WORST skill.

My Mum is teaching me NT conversation skills, like what to say and stuff when they talk about their kids and grandkids. It's hard but I reckon I can learn to fake it. It's hard and will always be exhausting but as I'm only 32 may as well keep trying to learn I suppose... for now...

I love cats too but only have 1 cat and 2 fishes x

marsian, not only do our cats have a similar name and colour, i am the same age as you and live in london too!
i've a sister as well but i do like my psychiatrist

my other two cats are called Doris and Toby!

i am very good at faking it but it's all too boring and tiring. i now only do it when i really have to be polite and keep my mother happy.

The former is negative, the latter is positive.
I like to be left alone.
I do not get lonely easily.

I've experienced both of those things, in high school. I felt lonely, each time I walked into one of my regular classes, because I was just too different from the rest of my peers.

I was left alone, by my regular peers, but that also made me feel lonely.

You can feel lonely even you're surrounded by people. I often feel this way because I feel like no one in real life truly UNDERSTANDS me and WANTS to be around me.

That said, there are sometimes when I just need to be alone, normally whenever I am upset about something. While NTs will frequently talk with people when they are upset, I just want to be left completely alone to work through whatever I'm upset about.

i love being left alone

I don't mind if folks let me be. It does not make me feel alienated.

On the other hand when I need the attention of another person, I get annoyed at being ignored. Such as when I need to be waited on at a store or a bank. I really dislike it when the teller or clerk continues to chat with a co-worker. I do not appreciate the help socializing on my nickle.

ruveyn