Grasping fork/spoon

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Anyone else have the same problem I have grasping a fork (or spoon)? I CANNOT STAND the "traditional" way to hold a fork/spoon. It doesn't make any sense to me or to how my hand works. I find it EXTREMELY awkward when eating. I much prefer to grasp a fork like a 3 year old, in my fist. That way it's less likely I'll drop it, as the other way feels could happen.

Of course, my hands always hurt so there is great discomfort holding a fork/spoon the "ms manners" way, also.

I used to do it "caveman style" too, and it took a lot of effort from my mom to get my to change it. It feels natural to me now.

It took me a long time before I switched how I hold my fork. Now it comes naturally to hold it the "normal" way. Depending on what I'm eating, I sometimes switch back and forth from one fork-hold to the other, so I can come at the food from different angles.

the knife is actually my problem. I hold it like a pen

At school camp my 12 year old classmate told me that she noticed that was how most of the boys in our class were eating.
I don't, I just let it hang loosely in my fingers.