Feeling like I don't have a self.

Post Reply New Topic

So, when I first realized I may have AS I didn't freak out or anything, it just seemed natural to me. I could relate SO much with everyone's stories and so many of the descriptions I see are so ME, I just thought that those things WERE me, not a disorder.

Now, I'm really starting to think about it and even without a diagnosis I feel pretty crappy because I'm about 90% sure I'm an Aspie. Even if I'm not, I have something very similar that's always mad me feel like an outsider. I've never truly felt like I had a "self". I'm chameleon like and I always have a facade of some sort. Learning that this is part of AS makes me wonder if I'll ever have a true self. I don't really want to become the person that I'm projecting all the time, that changes constantly anyway.

Not so psyched about this anymore.

What makes a personality true or not? A profound thought that I do not think any of us can answer.

Just do what makes you happy and go with it.

There are other disorders outside of the Autism Spectrum that can undermine your sense of self and make you a chameleon. There are treatments and depending on your exact diagnosis there can be great improvement. My ex-husband has that symptom because of Borderline Personality Disorder. He has a particularly noxious form of it and will probably never be happy, but many people with BPD are able to deal quite well with their symptoms if they are willing to work at it.

Perhaps then, it's a subconscious habit to prevent pain from awkward social behavior? If that is the case, I say just force yourself to be normal. That may sound counterproductive, but just perhaps it might work. You might, by habit, learn not to 'change skins'. Try that.

I would see a therapist then. I believe he/she can help you get disability checks, life help, etc., if your AS is so severe that it would inhibit every day life.

I wish you the best, friend.

You should not accommodate yourself severely to fit someone else's life or to make end's meat. You should do what makes you happy, as long as it doesn't harm or hinder anyone's fun. I think Alex did an interview with Ms. Singer, and a group home was mentioned. You might want to look into that.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Group_home

I don't see why you should be so alarmed about adapting your interactions to accommodate different people, unless this adapting involves acting in a way you are ethically wary of. Although 'wearing a mask' in front of other people has negative connotations (and yes it can be a problem) I think in this case it's simply being accommodating and open to communication. If it's a problem of not having a 'self' that bothers you, I would be inclined to say there is no such problem. You might like this quote from CS Lewis: "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

Take every moment that you can be yourself, and be what you want to be. Stop worrying what others tell you that you should be, look deep inside, and feel what makes you happy. MAKE time to be able to do this... If being with others makes you feel like you have a mask on, then be alone. If your friends can't accept the real you that you have to find, the one that is hiding behind all those social disguises, then they aren't the friends you need... nor are they the friends you want... they're just the ones that you've been made to think you want and need.

You didn't let yourself be fooled, remember... Society made you be fooled because you didn't know about AS. And society didn't give a crap if you had AS, it just wanted you to conform! Just like "big brother"

I am twenty years older than you, Motown, and that might make all the difference, but when I was younger, I had eight distinct personalities that I would take on depending upon which one would be most helpful. They had names, physical images, etc., but as I got older, I stopped doing it. I still didn't know who I was really, but I had just decided that I was too old to play pretend and whatever I needed to do, I could do without alter-egos. Playing other selves was also very tiring.