Masking: what is it exactly, and what’s wrong with it?

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As the saying goes, masking means hiding your autistic traits - “your true autistic self” - in an effort to pass as a neurotypical; I know that. What I don’t understand, however, is what’s wrong with that. Or, to phrase it differently, what’s the difference between masking and second nature? It seems like the whole idea is based on the premise that certain autistic behaviors are so much part of who you are that it’s too difficult to act differently. But what are those behaviors exactly that ASD people are so uncomfortable hiding? Is it the failure to follow the social norms? But why in the world would you consider socially inappropriate behavior to be inseparable part of yourself? Or is it some sort of stimming? But stimming are merely your body’s reaction to certain stimuli, a nuisance you have to deal with but not to be defined by. I get it that it can be very difficult and exhausting to constantly control your behavior. But if you’re determined to fit in, for whatever reason (to maintain an existing relationship or to get a new one or to be competitive on the job market or whatever else), if you try hard and long enough, wouldn’t it become some sort of a second nature? Perhaps deeply inside it still wouldn’t be the behavior you’d feel most comfortable practicing, but, at very least, you would be able to do it! And if that will bring you closer to achieving your goals, can anyone explain what’s wrong with it?

I have two responses to this.

The first is authenticity. Masking can mean presenting emotions and responses that don't reflect how you really feel. "Everyone is laughing now so I'll laugh too!" "They're all talking about Diana now so I'll make noises that suggest I care about this!" This can lead to things like depression, a loss of a sense of authentic self.

The second is energy. It is exhausting. At one stage I was masking for the duration of a workday. That is, I was emoting, controlling body language, presenting as a social person. To do that I had to hide in the toilets for my lunch-break instead of eating, and the pay-off was that I could do effectively nothing else. After work and on weekends I was just crashed in bed or on my sofa, an absolutely depleted wreck.

Masking is a privilege in the sense that it is a choice for some of us (at least sometimes) but not for others. But I believe that there is always a cost.

I was set on fire for being different. It became second nature, to survive. To fit in at home I hid this, masked. Nobody knowing why I did not fit. Do normal. "it must be you that does something that makes you a target".

Masking is ABA. Nature's survival of the fittest style ABA. For the two aba therapists on here that I know of, that instantly puts you on my foe list. Part of the problem, NOT the solution and you should be kept away from children (trust me, they are perfectly capable to teach aba principles amongst themselves)

Up to a point, you can indeed 'adjust' to certain situations but if every move you make is an act, it is not living.

I think there is a difference between social skills and masking.

To me social skills are things like active listening, proactive communication. These skills in turn help build secondary skills like recognising social cues and providing an expected response. These secondary skills can be useful but are morally neutral, not things I would class as good in themselves.

On the other hand, masking is a kind of (well-intentioned) performance.

Practising social skills can also feel like performance. But social skills are themselves consistent with authenticity. A person with good social skills might be a person who lets themselves be tired, grumpy, asocial, whatever, but who communicates these things thoughtfully and kindly, ideally in a way that does not cause discomfort to any other person.

That is my opinion. It is more an aspirational view than something I have myself accomplished.

Last edited by kuen on 31 Dec 2025, 9:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

What is ABA, MartineRomy? Is that 'acquired behavioural analysis'?

Do they actually teach that? To mask? Good grief.

Post was written in a bit too high tension, sorry. not meant at you exminster because valid question

the bad part... parents can have their children taken away in some parts if they know better and refuse.
Another reason not to have children.

ABA is indeed masking training... Conversation Therapy but on autistic people it is legal (even the same 'psychologist hero' monster that invented it).

That is appalling. We certainly are animals that know how to be cruel to each other.

I think the privilege isn't masking itself and masking alone.

I think masking is only a privilege when it's as much of an option to unmask.

And then there's affording to keep masking on going into later phases of life as opposed to burning out earlier whether for doing the same or not.
I really, really do think there should be a study about this; what is difference between an autistic who burnout earlier from those who can keep going.

There are already way more topics about who can and cannot mask, along with how divisive the whole thing is.
How about those who can keep masking and who cannot?


Like...
What's the use of masking if one is burning out every other week/s, month/s, or year/s, causing more wear and tear, more cyclical suffer -- usually crashing every other day, week, months, years, or heck, just regress for good?

As opposed to on going stable lifestyle?


If you can only mask 2 hrs a day maximum (or less), does that make you count being "able to mask" and "not disabled enough" on the virtue of "being able"?
Yes, autism is a disability -- blah, blah, blah.

Last edited by Edna3362 on 31 Dec 2025, 11:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

Oh that's an excellent point. I'd really like to see that discussion play out.

As for privilege, I burnt out in a fairly decisive way, but in the time I was masking I earnt more money than I would have had I not been masking. In other words, I made the traditional exchange of health for capital. If I'd known what the cost would be, I honestly don't know what I would have done, but I feel that compared to people who didn't have the option of making that exchange I did have a certain privilege.

Compared to an ideal state of affairs, or a fair society - oh that would be a different story

Yeah.

Usually, that's the story; the energy that goes into masking meant accessibility towards society at large.
Socialization and independence, employment and income.


But what if the amount of energy an autistic have cannot capitalize the same way?
In which they technically do not count as someone who "cannot mask and pass"... But cannot sustain the same way?

Like... Why?

Do most of them have, say, a chronic health issue as compared to those who can sustain masking long term? Is it additional mental health issue? Is it the way they put effort

Is it another 'type' in a biological sense?
Is it their environment? Is it their lifestyle? Is it psychological?

None? Few? All?
What determines an autistic burning out faster in masking from those who hadn't for decades longer?


If there were experts, research or such...
Yeah, it'll be a very interesting find.

And I won't be surprised if such study leads to controversies; such as finding more ways to perpetuate negative current normative expectations and attitudes, more separatism, etc.
Because the act of masking itself is an enabler of the current system/s most humans had to put up with, even if it's inhumane.

I made a lot more money presenting as male.

But, I also found that socializing was way easier presenting as female based on my voice, mannerisms, and petite body size. Now that I'm retired I don't have worry about making money.

Is it the old triad: (oxidative) stress/inflammation/fatigue?

I'll give a tiny example, based on how I understand the subject.

I once was in a trolleybus with my grandma. When we got out, she told me that I had been staring out the window with a vacant smile all the way.
Two ladies had been observing me and guessing what I was smiling about. Eventually they came to a conclusion that I must be very religious.
So, my grandma asked me not to smile like that, because it confuses people. I laughed it off and promised her that trolleybus ladies would forget about it very soon.

Let's examine my grandma's request closer now.
Instead of enjoying the ride and having a vivid and entertaining internal dialogue, I'm supposed to monitor other people's reactions, worry about how I look, and modify my facial expressions. Is it traumatizing? No. But as such situations pile up, they form a lifetime of people pleasing and eventual burnout.
Over time, masking becomes a strong, unconscious habit which starts influencing important life decisions.
You don't just learn to look cool at a loud crowded party, you learn to accept the invitation, because that's what a neurotypical person would do. Where does this end? Imagine someone asking you, "Will you marry me?" and you're standing there considering the most neurotypical answer, without even realizing it.

To me, this isn't about "stop masking, unmask right now". Sometimes camouflage is safer and strategically useful. It's more about "stop masking unconditionally".
Are you able to distinguish between your mask and your true self?
Are you able to unmask if you decide to?
That's a matter of mental health.

The gap between social conditioning and an individual; whether it's an inborn temperament or on a biological reaction basis, trying to match the two when it's too further away apart is very costly.

It just happened that a lot of inclinations that an autistic tend to do had a higher gap when it came to matching whatever seemingly neurotypical ideal, even if it's something they had been socially conditioned to desire and strive towards, and more so driven into thinking that's the only way they're even considered human.


That's just a part of it.
Then there's the whole human's survival mechanism and social needs. The need is strong enough to comply to a case, that it's either die trying in the name of whatever inclusion or belonging, or mental illness, lack of wellbeing, etc. Or worse, condemnation.

There are exceptions, of course, but those aren't really common in humans in general -- some were able to outwork some and then are likely have tradeoffs.


All humans stim.
NTs do stim. Just socially appropriate.
Stimming is actually not just some autistic exclusive "issue", it's human biology. In autism, it's just notable mainly due to the differences in the sensory system and how it is regulated.


How I wish autism is merely just a "behavioral issue". No...
It's also executive function, which is a LOT when it came to behavioral management, self regulation, learning, etc. All that reliability and ease in existence when it came to the senses, which is huge as an autistic overall. It is also cognitive, it is also emotional and not just social.

Not to mention the trickiness of how humans change. Countless underlying discreet processes, not everyone can figure, let alone implement. Everyone had made it sound that it's a regularly done thing but in reality, a good who do are exceptions.


Hahaha, no. I really, really wish is IS that simple.
As to why this doesn't even apply; think several possible comorbidities that many autistics had to deal with.
And then there's learning disabilities -- that's not exactly easy to "outwork". It's almost as good as being blind, then being told to pretend to not be blind.

Also amongst other complicated factors, really.
Being a human is more complex than just that, especially if one doesn't have a black box where all the executive functions are, well, actually functioning for someone -- and that to manually do it, and practically never became "second nature", but had always been purely cognitive conscious procedure as if every performance is like a first time, and never a "habit".
Nevermind forces and factors that drives a person towards dysregulation, and then having to constantly deny that.

Last edited by Edna3362 on 31 Dec 2025, 2:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Should I used the ladies room or the men's room?
I asked at the service counter at Walmart and they directed me to the ladies room.

At big grocery storey I shop at I use the family room.
Last time a woman and her daughter had to wait two minutes for me to finish up.

Almost everybody "masks", NT or not, it just means showing different versions of yourself depending on the social context. It's a skill, or a set of skills rather, that might be harder for some but they're useful and deliberate unmasking seems like bad advice to me. Neurodiversity side of social media preaches unmasking for the late diagnosed as some liberating thing but there's nothing liberating about deliberately unlearning skills! That only makes life harder in the long run. On the other hand, there is a balance to be had, you can learn your polite greetings and pleases and thankyous while also embodying your natural personality. Trying to copy the personalities of other people never lasts and is always transparent. I also don't believe that high-masking autism to the point of undetectable exists, as in, someone either thinks they're more stealth than they actually are. Or have an NT level proficiency at blending in so don't need to be diagnosed with anything in the first place, as like I said, NTs mask depending on context. It only becomes a problem when the ability to do this is deficient. If someone presents the same version of themselves with strangers as they do with family, that presents a problem.
There are things I can and can't mask but I've learned the magic phrases to get through everyday interactions. They don't feel natural but if I can do it then I see no point in stopping.