The nature of thought and belief

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I don't know whether this is something only people on the spectrum experience or whether all people experience it or whether a subset of people not totally congruent with the set of all people on the spectrum experiences it.

I don't know what my thoughts are. I've been thinking about the nature of thought lately. And I realized that there are some disturbing cracks in my conception of my own mind.

1. My verbal thought, which I hear in my head, often says something that could be called appropriate to the situation, but which is not my feeling on the matter. I don't want to list examples because I don't want it to be misinterpreted by someone who thinks I actually believe what I'm thinking in such contexts (but what does belief mean?) or, worse, thinks I don't because I'm crazy.

2. I find a lot of cases where I don't know what I believe and am capable of arguing either side of an argument. Evolution would be a case in point.

3. I find an odd thing where... like with vaccines-cause-autism. I have every belief associated with or required for believing that that's utter bull. I know autism's not a disease, I know you're born with it, I know the study was a stupid one and the science makes little sense. I know the prevalence has remained steady since before vaccines. I know it hasn't dropped since taking out thimerosal. And I know vaccines cause autism by means of the mercury damaging the developing brain. Or... believe vaccines cause autism. Or... I don't know.

4. What does it mean to want something? I want to bake brownies and eat them, or at least I think I want that, but it's not healthy and I'm lazy and I'm certainly not doing it despite having no reason not to. Do I want to bake brownies or not? Wouldn't wanting to imply that I would act on the desire? Or can I want opposite things?

5. My verbal thought has what I can only describe as echolalia-like tendencies. There are phrases that I think at random times, and I'll repeat (silently in my thoughts) the last thing I hear, sometimes many times, often with spoonerisms. (You know, those things where you switch the beginning sounds of words-- or wounds of sords, if you think in spoonerisms.) Then there's the fact that my verbal thought doesn't express everything I think. And yet sometimes I can't get my thoughts clear if they're not verbal, so am I essentially "writing down" what I've already thought, or having original thoughts? (My typing follows my verbal thought sans echolalia, so it's occasionally crazy, although I notice and backspace because that usually happens right before my train of thought completely derails. My speech never does that.)

6. I can have two tracks of verbal thought going on at once, like the echolalia-like thing going on at the same time as I think something meaningful. Does that mean something?

7. And at one point I had a lot of belief-in-belief. Like knowing one thing, but believing another, and thinking I was stupid for being wrong. Which one, in such a case, would you really say I believed? (I ended up reconciling them mostly by bringing my beliefs into line with my perceptions. So in the case where I would read a news story and have a gut feeling that it was awful and wrong, but know that it was totally right and that's how it's supposed to be, I'm not like those idiots that don't believe that, I'm so stupid for being one of those idiots that believe that... I changed to agreeing with my gut feeling. But how could I not agree with myself to begin with?)

8. What about the times when I'm so used to making arguments from a particular set of assumptions that it's my default, even though I believe those assumptions are false? What happens when I only argue from false premises because others do, and don't spare a thought for what I know I believe except I don't act like I believe it? Do I believe what I believe but never act on or argue from or think about or what I act like I believe? For example, all my thoughts on the matter of LFAs are from the premise that they're severely disabled and need a cure, but I know they're human and worthy and their way of being is as valid as mine (in fact, more similar to mine than most other ways of being, if not essentially the same).

9. I tend to be pretty self-aware and not overly attached to my own point of view. Hence, I'll laugh at and see the ridiculousness of a seriously-held belief. I don't think my shrink realized at one point that I was serious about something because I couldn't say it with a straight face because it was... well, so obviously false, but I knew (believed, thought, something?) it was true. Which means that I, like everyone else, will say the opposite of what I mean ("dogs suck, I hate them" means "wish I could have a dog") as an attempt to deceive myself and act like it really is that... but I know when I'm doing that. I'm aware of not just my real beliefs (or are the lies my "real" beliefs?) but also my tactics.

10. The dragon in my garage is permeable to flour. That is to say, of course autism isn't caused by vaccines; of course it isn't caused by parenting. Of course you're born with it and of course it's not conditions in utero. That leaves genetics. But of course you won't find a genetic marker. (Because it's really vaccines.)

11. In some cases, I'm totally committed to a particular belief, act on it, avow it (even in my head), deny all alternatives, etc. But I'm not sure if I actually believe it, even though I know it's true. I know it's true but I don't know whether or not I know that. This makes more sense when it's happening.

12. I just like memorizing stuff about my special interests sometimes. I sometimes don't really care if it's false, I'm just memorizing... well, you can't call them facts if they're false, but... what does this mean?

Is this normal? Can someone help me make sense of this? I generally think that I have thoughts and feelings and beliefs, which are definite. Except sometimes, the system falls apart at the edges. Is this an Aspie thing?

Nope. Everyone does this.

There's nothing wrong with you.

I think that you're thinking too much about thinking. Don't take it all so seriously.