I can't say that my parents were bad people in of itself, because they spent loads of money to try to get me therapy and stuff while growing up. I still can't manage to shrug off the idea that some of my self-esteem problems, fluctuating between degrees of low and high self-esteem, like I seek out dependency at times but want to be completely independent at others, are directly related to the ways I was brought up by my parents. This is a bit rough for me to talk about, but I think it has to be mentioned. Otherwise, the bitterness just haunts my mind.
My parents had a range of marital problems, which seemed to have stemmed from finances, but most of these seemed to have dramatically reduced in the later years. My father is also a very argumentative type of person who has to have his own way, regardless. I generally regard him as being a complete selfish bastard, but then I am the same in some regards, so I don't even know if saying that is completely fair. I can argue indefinitely on a variety of issues, which can lead to a kind of hostility that is really inappropriate. I tend not to want to argue, so I try to avoid some situations where it will come up, but if the conversation feels deeply personal to me, I will rant on and on in quite a hostile state of mind. I was once told by a therapist that I tend to think in rigid black-and-white terms, and that I try to teach others how to act or behave. I imagine that is quite appropriate.
My mother, on the hand, doesn't always agree with my father in many things. This was evident when I was younger, where both would express differences in how things should be handled. My mother more or less catered to what I wanted, whereas my father always didn't. That's probably why I feel closer to my mother. My father was known to bemoan my mother, directly in front of me, calling her a liar and so forth. I would go into meltdowns over ridicule regarding my mother, and I imagine feeling as if I wanted to hurt my father physically, though I've never done anything like that. I have, however, tried to destroy personal belongings that were close to my parents if I became so enraged. I remember this one incident about three years ago where I got into a bitter argument, which resulted in a deep rage. I shattered a mirror with my fist in the bedroom, and then my parents started screaming and so forth, and I started breaking anything I could find. I grabbed a horse that a friend made for my mother years ago, something that I know she really enjoyed, and threw it across the room, breaking it apart. Afterwards, I felt so upset that I even did something so horrible, that I sort of went into a state of depression for two days and was unable to relate appopriately to my parents. Instead, I secretly lived in the confines of my grand-father's house.
Nowadays, rages like this are far and few in between. When I was younger, it wasn't so. I felt myself caught in the middle of marital dischord more times than not, yet my parents failed to ever admit they had such dischord. Both of my parents said that disagreements better a marriage, and that is something that completely befuddles me. My father has a temper, though not nearly as bad as mine, but I remember times when he would throw something, but once he threw something, it was all over. He claimed he stopped after I started to have problems, which is probably true.
The thing is that I have had a host of problems growing up, and many of them I can only begin to wonder if they were caused by such dischord. My parents refused to ever acknowledge the fact that they were responsible for some of my behavior, and they also refused a lot of the treatment programs talked about during therapy sessions. My father used to believe in corporal punishment, like slapping me for cursing, but stopped after I began to slap everyone back. He even used to believe in using a belt for punishment, which is something he seems to adore in his own mother, which is something I find sort of bizarre. So, when I was really young, the therapists told them not to hit me. So, I would slap my parents back if they hit me and tell them that the therapist said that "you aren't supposed to do that." My parents then used to get irritated when therapists talked about discipline problems around me. So, my parents began demanding to speak with them alone and then for them to speak with me. So, I snuck by the door and listened in, anyway. My parents sort of knew that, because a couple of times I had been caught, and I didn't really give a damn. I tried to take precautions in not being seen, but I was prepared for the fact that I might be.
The recent reports I received from the Board of Ed, which detailed a variety of past doctors with reports dating back to years like 1984. In all of the reports, the therapists saw little to no signs of marital dischord. Gee, could that be because my parents never mentioned it? I may have, but I don't remember, but if my parents were around I would not have. There were very few times when therapists spoke to me alone when I was that young. I have been in an NI class since I was in kindergarten, apparently, so my parents knew from almost since birth that I was different.
I think my problems with self-esteem, at times wanting to be seen as disturbed just because the stress of life itself is overwhelming to times whhen I want to be seen as completely independent, stem not from having AS, per se, but from my parents' upbringing. I also believe the intense rage I commonly feel may have its roots in AS, but greatly exacerbated by my parents' upbringing as well.
- Ray M -
15 May 2006, 3:44 pm
