How to deal with a family member's refusal to accept I'm AS?

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Hello WP, Rob here.

Sorry for the long post, I needed to vent.....

For the most part, I'm not an emotional person. Quite the opposite, my motives are almost always logic based. I see this as an asset rather than a liability and in many cases I have made correct decisions quickly in situations where emotion would have clouded my judgement.

I do however have feelings(most are repressed or suppressed)

For years I have not gotten along with my Father. We rarely speak and when we do, its often forced and civil, while avoiding topics of conflict.
I would like to be on better terms with him, of all my family we have the most in common. I feel and honestly believe he is deeply disappointed in me for my lack of success despite my gifts. I also know he resents the fact I'm not employed. After it became clear I couldn't get a job, I started my own business... but it has been slow and I don't have time lately to work it anyway.
I wasn't going to tell my dad about my AS, but my mother thought he should know (she wanted him to apologise for being such an @$$hole to me all these years) After she talked to him(they are divorced btw) he went online and took a test on my behalf if you can believe it, answering the questions as he thought I would. He called me, told me I had a false diagnosis (based on the test he took for me) and told me to get over it, that I didn't need more excuses, I needed a job and hung up on me! Actually, a better reaction from him than I expected..

In spite of his despicable nature, I have always looked up to him. He had an incredible military career, fighter pilot, returned to school after he retired from the military and got a PHD and is a member of MENSA. He got along well with my brother(now expired) but as hard as I tried he never warmed up to me...

Does anyone have any ideas how to mend the bridges long burned?

Thanks

Rob

Tell him to look up the real diagnostic criteria, not some poxy list of symptoms online. The symptoms listed are usually too specific to cover everyone or even most people (e.g. they might mention problems with eye contact but not other forms of non-verbal communication, or toe-walking but not other kinds of stereotyped motor mannerisms, if they mention those at all).

Then reject him back. If he doesn't believe you have AS if you do, then he doesn't even know you, and a relationship with someone who thinks you're someone else, from their end is a relationship with someone else entirely, someone fictional. All interactions are rendered empty.

That's just what I'd do though. Sometimes people with developmental disorders seem to act like kicked dogs coming back for more, or like physical abuse victims (as opposed to the emotional abuse victims that they are) going back to the abuser because of their own low self-esteem. And it seems to be encouraged by people who feel on some level that we deserve it so we should make an effort with these people who have in cases like these in effect already disowned us by rejecting or dismissing who we actually are.

All just my opinion. You... did ask for it, right?

If you genuinely crave his companionship then that's more difficult. If you're just looking for his approval in order to feel validated, then I would look for a new source of validation, preferably the inherent sense of 'I'm worthy because I exist, regardless of my strengths and weaknesses that are just flukes of nature afterall' that the most emotionally stable and successful people have been found to carry with them.

I've had prettymuch exactly the same experience.
And to be honest, I expected it.
I didn't expect trouble telling my mom - but I did have.
There are many posts along this topic, and I don't think anyone has come up with a catchall solution.
Honestly, I would get your life in order, your supports in order, your knowledge of AS in order, and worry about your dad when you can show him that the knowledge of your diagnosis is helping you stand on your feet. My dad's biggest problem - and it would appear yours' too - is that they assume we're looking for a "free ride" and an "excuse" for the past.... Whereas we know what we're looking for is a reason, and a method to survive as best we can. Establish those things first, and then present what assistance and accomplishmencts AS awareness has led you to, with an awareness that HIS mindset is flawed - and exactly the way in which it is flawed (preset opinion of you based on years of interpreting you as lazy).

Roseblood you are absolutely right, and I for the most part avoid contact with him, because I am aware of the consistant results of our past conversations. (Years go by between phone calls) I suppose I will file "Father's approval" with the other unrealistic unfulfilled desires like "Hugh Heffner names Rob as successor" or "Rob declared high grand poobah of the planet" and last but not least "New law makes lying while in public office a capital offense!"

Thanks,

Rob

When my husband was having a hard time accepting my diagnosis, I printed out a list of traits and when we were just hanging out I pulled out the list and asked him each one, like "do I have difficulty in interpreting the meaning behind other people's actions?" I went down the list and he said yes to all but one thing on the list. Then I told him it was a list of asperger's traits.

Sadly, I don't see that working with your father because I don't see you sitting down and having a "heart-to-heart" together.

But my point is that even my list exercise -- which I thought made things pretty obvious -- was not enough to convince my husband. It took him YEARS to accept my diagnosis and he lives here with me every day and seriously *tries* to understand and support me. So if your father is resistant to the diagnosis and is also estranged to some level, then he may never "come around" . . . or if he does, it will likely be years from now and due to something someone else said or did, not due to any efforts of your own.

I agree with the people who seem to be saying that you need to decide whether or not to just "cut your losses" and give up on a relationship with your father.

For some reason I'm suspecting the possibility that you and your dad are a lot alike, and that could be why you don't get along too well. I'm not sure why, and maybe I'm just projecting, but the way you describe your relationship with him sounds a lot like a father who sees the same things in his son that he doesn't like, and doesn't want to accept, in HIMSELF.

This might be going out on a limb, but I'm also suspecting that me may just be on the spectrum himself, and in complete denial of it.

I get the feeling he may think he had just as hard a time getting and keeping employment as you are having, and if he was on the spectrum (not never realized it), but perhaps not quite as debilitated as you are, he probably feels that if he could do it, so can you.

I really don't think it's fair of him to take a screening test on your behalf without you there to ask if you think the answers are correct. I did the same thing for all of my sons, but they were here, and I ASKED them what they thought I should answer for most questions. Some questions though, both me and my wife disagreed with them on. Some even me and my wife couldn't agree on, so we went with whatever got two or more votes.

I don't know, but I think that's a much more fair and realistic way of doing it. Taking it for someone else entirely, without any input at all from them, is just, well, not a very smart way to learn the truth.

Do you see Asperger's in your father? My father didn't really accept my dx for awhile, but he's an obvious aspie himself. Actually I find this kind of neat-- just because two people have autism doesn't mean they're even going to get along.

Another thought ...

Are you self diagnosed? That doesn't matter much around here but a professional diagnosis would likely hold more weight with your father given his education. Unless he considers his ability to make a diagnosis superior to someone that actually works in the field (I am being facetious)

I have another suggestion. Clicky here.

i had a struggle with my dad in many ways too. honestly, everything improved after he died. i loved, and i miss him, but i couldn't really LIVE until the weight of his disapproval was lifted.