I'm confused... black and white thinking?

Post Reply New Topic

I've been told my entire life by my parents and a few other people that I am very black and white in my thinking. I generally have a tendency to think in percents and that if something isn't given a %100 it's not worth giving any effort. Or I feel bad if I feel I feel I should give something %100 of myself and I can't.

Anyway my confusion is from my therapist. We were discussing black and white thinking and she kept saying that I don't give myself enough credit to my open mind. I tried to express I feel very black and white... good and bad... yes or no in my thinking all the time and that I am very stubborn in my thoughts. The thing she was prying at is that I let others speak their mind and I also leave myself open to be reasoned with. I may be stubborn as a brick wall but if somebody can influence me and give me good reason to soften up... I will.

The thing about me being very open is I don't like people to dislike me. So I learned very early on that if you want people to accept you... you should let them speak their mind and not be overbearing in your views. I may take this to an extreme and usually end up just listening to others blow steam about their views and not even show mine since I don't want an argument to arise. The thing is it isn't like I agree with them... I'm still a brick wall inside while sometimes even losing interest and thinking about other things. Really I think I learned how to be accepted more by appearing to be more open. I mean I am open to some things other people usually aren't, but that's just because I believe those things are good or okay in my book.

Anyway after much talking and her trying to tell me I don't appear black and white with blunt forcefulness... I told her about me getting a second friend. I told her I was confused because I don't know how I'm supposed to give %100 of myself to both of my friends, and she told me "Yes you are very black and white."

I don't understand. I believe I'm very black and white and sometimes it's to a maddening extent because I wish I could see in color, but I have no idea what she meant. I can't tell if she was humoring me... or just saw something that clicked more as black and white than she had initially seen... or what.

What do you think? Did my therapist miss the point of black and white entirely or was she just messing with my brain? Do I sound at least fairly black and white in my thinking? I'm just confused

In the cold black and white you miss one important thing: feelings

Feelings is what allows you to say that you gave 200%. Your logic is good, you just have to expand it to include the social part (witch is logic too if you find the reasons)

My understanding is that when you told your therapist that you were confused about having two friends because then you couldn't give each 100% of yourself, she realized your thinking was more black and white than she had previously thought. I'm no expert on human relations, but as I see it, what you share with other people--thoughts, experiences and emotions-- is not finite and is not used up when you share it. You can share it with a fair number of people, more with some and less with others, but never 100%, because some aspects of your life will remain secret, even to yourself.

I think you therapist may have not quite got you point, but I do know that aspies do have a tendency to think in black and white. However, as you get older I suspect that you will become more and gray in your thinking. Experience and education has a way of graying you world.

In the extreme, that could result in your brain being allowed to fall out. So, our "concrete-absolute" or "black-and-white" type of thinking provides a necessary constraint ... and then at the other end of that rainbow, your therapist sits as a "random-abstract" thinker who will never truly comprehend all of that or offer much good advice there.


I am exactly the same, and I changed some words there to make this point: Stubbornness and concrete-absolute are not the same thing. So, you can safely drop the stubbornness at will and for any reason at all without compromising the way you think ... and that is where "color" enters the picture. The facts of a matter are black-or-white, right-or-wrong, all-or-nothing and etcetera, but then how we interact with each other in relation *to* those facts is the "color" of life. So, and even if at a bit of personal expense, you are already contributing exactly as you are being asked to do. To wit:


That "brick wall" is evidence of a dilemma we all face: How to add "color" in life without compromising actual facts.


Nah, that is a different matter ... and it can be resolved by giving loyalty to each friendship just as it is.


She is simply wired differently and has a different philosophy ... and there is where "therapy" can seem maddening.


She was "messing with your brain", so to speak, but neither intentionally nor with ill will. She just cannot see the color you add even in her own life.