I don’t know what this is about, but I don’t say enough, so…
Last night I had a dream about a girl I used to know as a teenager, and at the time she felt like she was my soul mate but I couldn’t really speak to her or not feel awkward around her, because I’m such a…, so it didn’t really work. And it’s always felt like something that’s never been resolved, it’s always felt like something that’s been denied me because of my inabilities. I feel like it’s a book I would have liked to read and I should of read, but I couldn’t get into the first chapter because I’m dyslexic…
At the moment I feel a bit like I’m slowly dying, I’m at a very stagnant point in my life, a bit like I’m waiting for something to happen but I have to make things happen, blah blah blah.
I have let friends drift away from me because I feel like a burden to them. I think in social situations I always feel like someone with a disability (I don’t mean literally) or someone with a broken leg, slightly like someone who is wounded and dragging behind the group.
Anyway, I sort of feel like I’m missing life at the moment. Also feel like I’m boring because I can’t talk and I can’t express myself, and I can’t talk about stuff…I know I am interesting and colourful and creative and s**t but I just can’t get any of it out! (I guess I just wasn’t made for these times, I also feel like I should have telepathic abilities so I could talk in pictures or whatever…)
So, then I start to feel guilty about being boring and not being able to express myself, and feeling awkward and aware of this and feeling stupid for feeling awkward around people who are close to me. As I said I feel like I’m slowly dying and like life is being denied me (I don’t know why I am repeating myself) and sometimes I feel like someone should intervene…
I don’t know why I’m writing this…words are useless…
23 Jun 2006, 1:33 am
