Driving Questions

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To everyone on WP who is driving age or older, I would very much appreciate your input on this.

My son who is on the spectrum will soon be at the age where he can get a driver’s license. I believe its important that he learn to drive and obtain a license if possible. However, I am uncertain how his ASD traits will affect his ability to drive safely, and one possibility is that he may be too impaired to drive safely. My concern is how to coach him through the process, and prepare him for the possibility that he may not be allowed to drive because of his ASD traits. I imagine this could be devastating to a young person on the spectrum, especially when all of his peers are starting to drive.

My questions are:

- How did your parents handle the driving situation when you came of age?
- Do you wish your parents handled things differently and if so how?
- If you cannot or do not drive, was it a devastating realization?
- Can you offer any advice in this regard to a parent who cares deeply about nurturing their child’s self-esteem and emotional development?

Many thanks in advance, -Dave

Hi Dave.
I am 30 nearly 31 (Feb 27th) and I did not get my licence until I was 28 years old (driving age is 18 here). I am only licenced to drive automatic vehicles if I want to drive manual I will need to sit another test. I wil attempt to answer your questions.

- How did your parents handle the driving situation when you came of age?
*My parents would not let me drive at all when I was old enough in fact even when I got my licence at 28 they only then admitted that theit thoughts that I would never drive were wrong. I thought they were mean at the time but I look back and realise they did the right thing because aspies often have delayed maturity and things.


- Do you wish your parents handled things differently and if so how?
* Yes I do wish they did I wish they had been more encouraging or at least told me their reasoning instead of criticizing. But I also like I said accept it.

- If you cannot or do not drive, was it a devastating realization?
*It wasn't until I did learn to drive and now I know how I would not give it up for the world I love the freedom but it is the old saying what you don't have you don't miss. I am glad I waited I am a far better and safer driver now than I would have been even in my mid 20s.

- Can you offer any advice in this regard to a parent who cares deeply about nurturing their child’s self-esteem and emotional development?
*Encourage your son but don't push him if he is not ready now wait until both he and you are ready. Encourage him tp pursue other actvties.

In August I get my full licence. I am very proud of because I thought I would never do it my family always told me I would not get a licence but in August 2008 I did. Where I live regardless of where you live or your age (I was twenty eight) we have a graduated licensing system which means I have a probationary licence (have to have it 3 yrs) with 6 more months to go and I can drive on my own but with special restrictions these are.

- Must display green P plates on front and back of car at all times

- Not permitted to drive a probationary prohibited vehicle (high powered car)

- Must not have any alcohol in your blood when driving .00 BAC

- Restricted to driving automatic vehicles. The only way you can remove this condition is to pass a test in a vehicle with manual transmission.

- Must carry your licence card at all times while driving

I always had a problem learning how to drive a car. My parents made me nervous. I did better when it was someone else teaching me how to drive and not my parents. To bad you only had a few lessons with a driving instructor. Driving with my parents was very nerve racking, to me I wanted to make them proud and I wanted to do good because I didn't want to fail in their eyes. My mom wasn't very patient, if I made a mistake she'd yell. I understand it was a dangerous thing driving a car and that our lives could be in danger. But at the same time, the more she yelled the more overwhelmed I felt. I felt I failed her.

Thus I stopped trying to drive a car and hadn't driven for a while. When I was eighteen I decided I wanted a Vespa and worked towards that. It was a lot better because it was self taught. My parents weren't around to make me feel nervous. And I could see my mistakes and learn from them a lot better. I now have my M license and drive a motorcycle.



I needed someone who was patient. I understand that our lives are in danger if I make a mistake. I understood the consequence, but I really needed parents that didn't make me feel overwhelmed and were calm. I use to like when my dad taught me, if I made a mistake, he'd simply as to pull over and explain in a calm manner what what I did wrong. He was very calm and very patient and he put me at ease. Yelling at me just made me cry and it made me feel very overwhelmed. That's why I didn't enjoy my mom teaching me, because the more she yelled the more I was put under pressure to do really well.



Not sure I understand this question.

Okay, for a bit of context, I'm probably on the edge of the spectrum, was not identified as being on the spectrum or having learning disabilities as a child, and have never cared about being normal or fitting in. I have never actually wanted to drive. Oh, and I'm 28.

My parents made me get my learner's license fairly soon after I became old enough for it, and made me learn to drive, even though I didn't want to. They had me take driving lessons and take the road test that allowed me to drive on my own. They required this because I was the oldest child and they felt it was necessary for me to be able to drive myself and my siblings around so they wouldn't always have to do it.


I'm not sure. I never wanted to drive, and part of me wishes I hadn't been made to. But at the same time, I was able to meet the requirements of the driving test, and so at least have some level of driving ability, and I know it was useful for me to be able to drive myself and my younger siblings around. Their choice was probably a reasonable one.


I basically do not drive, partly for ideological reasons and partly because I'm afraid my absentmindedness would make me an unsafe driver, even though with more training I could probably get my full driver's license. I don't own a car or have a license that permits me to drive in my current location, and the only times I drive are occasionally when I'm on holiday visiting my parents. Since I've never wanted to drive, it's not devastating, though there are certainly challenges and frustrations associated with living as a non-driver. I am more bothered by pressure to drive more and get my full driver's license than I am by the fact that I don't drive.


If you haven't already done so, it would probably be worthwhile to find out how your son feels about driving. Does he want to drive? If so, why? Because he wants to be like the other kids who drive? Because he wants to do things that he can only do if he can drive himself around? Does he not want to drive? If not, why? Is he scared of driving? Does he think it would be boring? Etc. If you can find some of that out, you'll have a better idea what you're working with.

Thank you everyone, I would just like you to know how sincerely I appreciate your responses.

Sorry if this was confusing. I meant two things with this statement, firstly to let everyone know my major concern (i.e., self-esteem, emotional development) and secondly to ask if there was any other advice.



I already know that he wants to drive because his friends are starting to learn. But its a great idea to ask these deeper questions. Thanks again!

1. Where I used to live, you could get a learner permit at 15. You had to be 16 and had to pass the drivers test after 6 months on the LP to drive unaccompanied by a licensed adult. My parents got me the LP and taught me to drive on my dad's beat-up Volvo (the car was old enough to not have much value, but it worked well enough to be reliable, so it was the optimum training car). They also put me through a theory/practice drivers ed course, saying that they would not allow me to get my full license until I passed. I ended up passing the course and the DMV practical on my first try.

2. The one issue I had was when my dad was in the passenger seat, he would freak whenever I had to stop because I had a habit of stopping later than he would if he were driving (I would compensate by putting more pressure on the brakes to slow down faster). It's not so much that I was stopping just short of a fender-bender, it was more that I think that I was better than him in judging distance, and felt more comfortable with a lesser margin of error when stopping. Keep in mind that your kid will probably differ in driving habits than you will, so if it seems like he's roaring up on someone's behind constantly, just suggest to him that he begin braking earlier, but you don't need to freak at him if it's nothing major.

3. I still have my license, but I lost permission to drive the family Toyota after getting a speeding ticket. In retrospect I was going way too fast. This was about three years ago. My parents told me I have to get my own vehicle before they'll allow me to drive again, and I also need to be able pay for my own insurance (they'll allow me to stay on their plan and let me pay them the difference if I so desire). So with a few exceptions, I haven't driven since spring of 2009 (the speeding ticket actually happened the night of senior prom, lol). As far as not being able to drive, I now live in an area where pretty much anywere in the city is accessible by walking or biking (or parkour in my case), so I'm not too concerned. My only issue is when I need to leave town i.e. going shopping in Ft. Collins, snowboarding up in the Snowy Range, or going to visit Suiseiten in Casper.

4. My advice is not to freak. When parents freak out, it stresses the kids out, and a stressed-out driver is more likely to make potentially fatal mistakes. It will seem at times like you're 3 seconds away from being a smear on the road, but as long as you keep your cool, your calmness will be absorbed by your kid and they'll be more relaxed when driving.


That said, I don't believe that Aspies are any better/worse drivers than NT's. Driving is a task that requires a lot of focus, which most Aspies do not have; but on the other hand, they are more likely to adhere to the rules of the road than NT's.

Great advice Roxas, many thanks from a neighbor to the south.

That was what the problem with driving with my mom was like.



Thanks. Roxas said basically what I was going to say.

If my mom kept a calmer head, I wouldn't have probably not hated driving so much.

I think aspies have trouble driving because of the concentration and space judgement required and that is why my parents made me wait. In hindsight I might have been able to get my licence at maybe 24 or 25 but no earlier.

I'm 25 and I don't drive. It's confining. Good luck with your son, and well done for seeking advice

- How did your parents handle the driving situation when you came of age?
My mom made me go through driver training before attempting the tests. I passed the written but I failed the first driving test. It was a left turn and I was waiting in the intersection to turn but I thought the car coming towards me wasn't going to stop when the light turned yellow. I didn't want to get hit but he stopped so I was stuck on the pedestrian crossing and failed.

- Do you wish your parents handled things differently and if so how?
My mother and I have an understanding. She knows I am very capable but sometimes need help understanding what people are saying.

- If you cannot or do not drive, was it a devastating realization?
I drive now... but when I failed I felt pretty sh***y. Not largely because of any self imposed reasons. I was completely aware of what happened. I did not want the formalities which come with failing the test.

- Can you offer any advice in this regard to a parent who cares deeply about nurturing their child’s self-esteem and emotional development?
You should know your son's abilities. He knows them too. Don't patronize him. It is important for you to listen to him.


I myself am 17 and I have aspergers. I am one of those high functioning types. I am driving a stick shift. If took me a while to learn because nobody could tell me what I needed to know about shifting. I have gotten better and improved at my own speed.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses, this is really helpful

Well, I've driven for 35 years and never had an accident or gotten a moving violation. So It's quite possible to be ASD and drive safely. But I don't have some of the challenges with sensory issues and spacial perception that some do.

Can your son ride a bicycle safely? That's pretty demanding from a sensory and skill point of view. A car is a lot easier to operate.

I think distractability and focus is an important thing to consider. If someone on the spectrum drifts off into a day dream while driving, this could be very dangerous.

Spacial awareness is key, too. You have to be aware of the edges of your 'space' otherwise you end up driving over the center line or drifting into the next lane.

How did your parents handle the driving situation when you came of age?
They didn't. When I turned 16, they kept making up excuses about why they can't do it. So I asked my friends, but they didn't feel safe letting me use their cars for the road test (they had a point). I didn't get my learner's permit until my senior year of high school. After me begging and pleading, my parents agreed to let me do a road test. I failed on the first try, but passed on the second seven months later, because they kept putting it off. I was already 19 by then.

Do you wish your parents handled things differently and if so how?
Yes, not do what I wrote in the first paragraph. I wish they let me get a license before my high school graduation at the latest. Starting college without a license felt very shameful.

If you cannot or do not drive, was it a devastating realization?
Yes, very much so. I knew I wouldn't be able to drive a girl around if I started dating her; that was my biggest concern. So I settled for girls who, for the lack of a better term, couldn't afford to care if her boyfriend had a license. My friends were surprisingly tolerant of my situation, and drove me around with no problems; I, of course, pitched in for gas.

Can you offer any advice in this regard to a parent who cares deeply about nurturing their child’s self-esteem and emotional development?
Make sure they get a driver's license as early as possible, In 99% of American high schools, a guy must be able to drive a car before he can have a girlfriend. (New York City being a likely exception.) There was a handful of girls of liked me in high school, but I didn't bother asking them out because it'd just go nowhere fast. I did ask one girl, but she canceled a date after I told her I didn't have a license.

She put a paper bag over here head.


I wish she didn't cringe in terror in the passenger seat (despite the paper bag on her head) because I really needed some positive encouragement.


No, we pretty much expected the battery was dead because I hadn't started the car in a few weeks.



Don't sit there was a paper bag on your head cringing in fear.

Don't scream "STOP" unless you do not have a paper bag over your head and you are able to see that a collision or accident is imminent if they don't stop.

Start with parking lots and residential areas, or in a fairly small town with low speed limits.

Encourage them to let idiots pass.

Tell them they did a good job.

How did your parents handle the driving situation when you came of age?
Where I live you can get a driver's license at age 17 and can start taking driving lessons and get a learner's permit at age 16, which allows you to drive with a more experienced driver from the family until you get your license. In my case my parents let me start taking driving lessons 8 months before I turned 17. After a few lessons I got a learner's permit and got to drive with my parents in the car for a few months before I took the driving test. I passed the test in my first try and got my license the day I turned 17.

Do you wish your parents handled things differently and if so how?
I wish they had let me start earlier, soon after I turned 16, like they let my neurotypical brother do. It annoyed me that they wouldn't let me start as early as him. It gave me the impression they had lower expectations of me than him, which I thought was both unfair and uncalled for, because I had always been a lot more responsible and careful than him.

I also wish they had always remained calm in the car while guiding me with my driving. It just made things more stressful when they were tense, yelling, arguing or giving confusing information. There were two really unpleasant incidents that came up where they completely overreacted and just made the situation unnecessarily stressful, when they could have just calmly told me what mistake I made and how to avoid it in the future.

What was also bad was when both my parents were with me in the car at the same time and giving conflicting directions about what to do or not do. In my opinion there should only be one person guiding the driver at a time. An additional "backseat driver" does more harm than good.

If you cannot or do not drive, was it a devastating realization?
I can drive and have been driving for 12 years without problems or accidents. I imagine that it would be very disappointing and frustrating to find out that you won't get a driver's license. I know people who have had difficulty passing their test and have had to re-do it a few times and they were very frustrated and self-conscious about it.

Can you offer any advice in this regard to a parent who cares deeply about nurturing their child’s self-esteem and emotional development?[/quote]
Believe in him and help him believe in himself. Be willing to let him practice as much as necessary and try to remain calm, patient and consistent at all times in the car. Don't assume in advance that he can't do it. I had to listen to certain family members' doubts about my ability to learn how to drive and it wasn't nice that people assumed in advance that I couldn't do it or that I would never become a good driver. Give it a try and see how things go. He may do better than you expect. Even if he doesn't and won't get his license, then at least he will have gotten to give it his best try.

Good luck!