Getting angry at food-service people, etc?

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I tend to have a bit of a history of having angry outbursts at hospitality people who tell me that something has run out, or who do something "wrong"..... See, food is VERY important to me, I absolutely love it - the taste, the texture is all pleasantly overpowering for me, so I attach a lot of emotion towards it, particularly when out at a restaurant and paying money, etc.

I get very angry (sometimes I make a big fuss, but certainly everytime I feel massive anger trying to burst out of me to the extent that I at the very least give them a very angry look) when people tell me I can't have something coz it's run out. I think it's due to (a) the fact that now I have to change my whole plan (which I have spent a long time working out) and when that happens I react BIG time in a negative way, and (b) I get angry because they appear to say it in such a non-sympathetic way.

I am a very all or nothing person. If I can't have what I wanted, then my only other option is Nothing/Something which will just not be "as good" as the original, and that is awful for me because of my emotional attachment to food. I also react if they get the order wrong.

Does anybody else do this or something similar? I hate it, I can really embarrass the people I am with and they often recount lots of stories of me doing this

Liz

I'll put it in perspective for you... as aspies we tend to over-react to small things until we learn the sillyness of ourselves.

What is more serious, the wars and revolutions in other countries or the fact that you didn't get what you wanted when you went out to eat?

I know, that's the thing - you are totally right! And I know this logically and whole-heartedly. But in these moments, it's like all logic and common sense goes out the window and I just can't CONTROL my emotional reaction, it is absolutely frustrating!!

When you're served a plate of cold food that should have been hot, that's much more important than Iraq at that time.
Unless you're in Iraq...

Er.

I have pretty bad executive dysfunction, so I have trouble overriding negative emotions, but that doesn't mean I'm abusive to other people. Similarly I work with special ed kids, and have had many students on the spectrum over the years. I've seen kids have total meltdowns over simple math problems or when they've gotten too tired and too hungry, but be abusive to others like this? Nope. In special education, abusiveness towards others, especially over such precise reasons that the person can articulate as well as you have and not just vague frustration, falls in the conduct/behavioral disorder and emotional disorder areas, not autism by itself.

Sounds like you have anger issues that go well beyond autism or executive dysfunction. Especially if you're doing this to people you perceive as "serving" you, who are "suppose" to be giving you something you want or you think you're entitled to. You seem to know exactly why you're getting mad--people with executive function and/or autism usually don't have that degree of emotional awareness, not without some therapy. Likewise, berating people you see as a lower statue to yourself--as oppose to people in general--is classic abuser/bully behavior. Being so pleasure driven is very narcissistic behavior as well, and that you would leap from not being able to eat what you want to being abusive just doesn't sound like autism to me, but a psychological issue where you either can't control your ego-centric anger, in which case you need a lot of therapy, or your won't control it, by choice, and instead are here fishing for an excuse to perpetuate this behavior without taking responsibility for it. My money is on the latter. You just sound like a bully/abuser to me.

Wow, sounds like you are the bully/abuser here. I don't think I deserved such a lecture. You don't even know exactly what I do, so how do you know exactly what it is I am doing that you are judging me on?
I feel anger/frustrated and I express it, I do not insult the people or attack them, I just have an angry reaction. Is hard to explain. I never make it a personal attack on the person.
I certainly am not thinking that this is a good way to be - it is a part of me I desperately want to fix. As for me being in touch with my emotions - I know emotions that I feel, yes. I have been studying human behaviour for years, I have a degree in Cognitivve Science, I have a bookshelf full of Self-help books and neuroscience books and have studied counselling and life coaching, have been to counsellors, psychologists, etc. Yes, I have learnt a lot. But this one thing still evades me. I have gotten much better over the years, but I am still just trying to figure it all out is all. My theory on what is going on at these times is just that - a theory. I was seeing if anyone else shared this type of reaction, and I suppose was wondering if they could shed some light on what is going on, etc. As for me being an angry person - yes there is anger in me. People have used and abused me in many ways over my Life and that leaves me with a residual anger. But on the whole, I am actually an extremely nice person and hate to make anyone feel bad. You have taken a few sentences I wrote and have incorrectly summed up my entire personality to fit your own agenda.
And this whole - that I look down upon people as my servants? lol Where on earth did you pull that one from? I never said anything or the sort! I certainly do not think that at all nor do I feel a need to justify myself to you, so please take your OWN abusive comments elsewhere.

Liz

Last edited by analyser23 on 27 Jan 2011, 8:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Indeed. Spending your whole life concerned about bigger problems in other countries does not help your emotional state anyway.

I know what you mean. I generally find that food service brings out the worst in me. I just try to remind myself that (usually) the problem was not due to my server, but due to something that they have no control over. So complaining to the server is not constructive.

I don't know if you run through things in your head before actually doing them, but if you do, would it help to not just imagine the food you want being given to you, but also imagine it not being available? That would give a bit of time to anticipate your angry reaction and prepare an alternative one.

Not food service, but I've had to learn a few coping mechanisms to stop blowing up at tech support people.

Most of my anger-type meltdowns are directed at myself (not self-harm) or at inanimate objects. I've tried to cut that out too, and mostly succeeded.

I don't allow myself to get that angry or abusive. I see it as hurtful and it scares people. I'd rather that people love me, than be scared of me.

The only time I get angry is when there isn't enough toppings or isn't enough.

Like at Subway because I'm vegan I don't have meat. But they don't give you a lot of vegetables. I don't have meat, the vegetables are my meat. And to be given so little is frustrating.

You say, I'd like extra spinach

She only sprinkles a little bit more

You try the, pretend the spinach is like lettuce

Still not exactly enough.

So I don't go to places like that. The last meltdown I had about food was at a pizza place. I'm vegan. So I don't have cheese on my pizza, I do not have pepperonie, I do not have sausage or anything else.

I ask for an olive mushroom pizza. But when I'm given the pizza there is literally no toppings on the pizza. Maybe a few pieces of olives and a few pieces of mushrooms, but the pizza is barren.

So I go up and tell her this isn't adequate.


"Well we have a food serving chart and that's what the chart says I ave to give on pizza,"

Which I replied, "Do you see pepperoni on this pizza?"

She replies, "You said no pepperoni...so no,"

Which I replied, "Did I ask for pepperoni, cheese or sausage or anyting else"

She replies, "No,"

I reply, "Now see my dilemna. You can't use a food serving chart. When all I have is olives and mushrooms, olives and mushrooms are my cheese, are my pepperoni, and are my sausage. So I rather not see the sauce on my bread, I want my mushrooms and olives to cover the pizza,"

I was pretty pissed. Because ya know if I hadn't asked for the other stuff, wouldn't it be I don't know clear to them that the food chart doesn't exactly work when I have nothing else.

I didn't ask for bread and sauce. Ya know I asked for a mushroom and olive pizza with no cheese. It isn't so hard to give more. I even had asked for extra toppings. But got a barren desert pizza.

That's also why I no longer go to pizza services.

edit: So basically if it isn't what I had expected. I get upset. Because I expect something else. I come in with an expectation and I really shouldn't do that.

Last edited by Pandora_Box on 27 Jan 2011, 8:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think I have the opposoite problem.

I am overly kind to food service people,
I HATE to bug them, if they accidentally
put the ice in my soda (I don't drink soda with ice)
I act as if it might have been my error, I say
something like "I'm sorry to bother you,
I decided not to have any ice in it this time."
or something like that. They sometimes look surprised
that I said it so nicely, but that is my point.

On the other hand, this is the reason I got
fired from "service" type jobs, if there is
a bad customer that says mean things I
am told I "don't handle it properly"
I stamp off crying, or whine "I can't do anything right!!"
or black out sometimes and wake up in hospital
fired of course.

Many restaurants are not very sanitary. As a person who worked in many restaurants during my college years, I could tell you some nasty stories. When restaurants gets busy, they take some of the most repulsive shortcuts to save time.

Some food service people will pee in your beverage without hesitation if you do something to make them mad.

Having worked in a resteraunt for 9 years I have to say I have seen cooks and waitresses mess with people's food all the time. Its never a nice person who tips well who gets spit, nose boogers, eye boogers, or other nastiness put into their food its the loud obnoxious mean because they want to be jerks who get the little extra added to their food and drinks. The worse I have seen was someone took an ice cube out of a drink to rubb it against their anus before taking out to the jerk. The cooking staff, the waitresses, and the manager almost peed their pants with laughter. We then walked out into the dining room to watch him drink it. If they ran out they ran out all yelling and having a tempertantrum will get you is tainted food.

If your a nice polite customer who is known to the staff and they ran out of something we would go to another resteraunt in our chain to get it for you. I have seen them do this for several regular customers who were known for being nice, good tippers, and no trouble. If you complain in a nice manner the manager might even comp your meal or will call you when what you like is in I have done this myself when the managers were all out and I was senior employee.



I only did it to my co-workers who tormented me.

Its a bit childish, I surely understand to earn respect you must give respect. However, you do not contanimate one's food just because the man is an a**hole.

That's like, because an a**hole driver is tailgating you or being an a**hole you purposely smash into them.

I think I have only ever gotten upset due to stupidity. Mostly things like, I ordered [a long time ago when I wasn't vegan] a burger with no cheese, no onions, and no mayo and the meat well done. It came out it had mayo on it...okay I can scrape it off, but the meat wasn't well done.

I simply stated, "Excuse me miss, my burger meat isn't well done, its a little rare"

When I wasn't vegan, I needed my meat well done. I didn't like rare meat, it just tasted gross to me and I hated the taste of the blood.

She said she was sorry. She asked what I ordered, I told her what I ordered and she took it back. When she came back with it, it had onions and cheese which I stated in my order none of it. And the meat wasn't done still, this time even a little more pink before. I flagged the waiter, mind you I'm with my family. And stated my concerns, nicely too.

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you again, but I did order it without cheese and onions, and the meat is still rare,"

She takes it back. Brings it back a third time. The meat is done, but there is cheese on it, mayo. I gave up. The manager did come in, after she asked if I wanted something else. She brought the manager along and he opted for a free dessert. Excuse me free dessert. I haven't been able to eat any of my meal and you want to give me a free dessert. Yeah that was a slap in the face.

I didn't even give her a tip, well we didn't leave her a big tip. I wasn't trying to be frustrating. I was simply wanting the order the way I ordered it. I'm allergic to dairy products so I really couldn't have cheese on my meal. The way I order stuff is because I got food things.

Like I hate the texture of rare meat, when I wasn't vegan, so I needed my meat well done at home or at a resteraunt.

I was really allergic to dairy products, so I couldn't have any dairy at home or at a resteraunt, etc.

It can get frustrating, trying to ask the service people something without fulling explaining why it needs to be done this way. I know the meat thing was of a pretentious thing...but I really couldn't stand the taste of the blood or the texture it made me sick. But, how do you explain in an abstract way if you give me cheese I'm going to have an allergic reaction if I have cheese? And I mean the whole anaphylatic phase, not some constipation or diarhea.

I do not try to be pretentious, I do not try to be rude. But if you're going to mess up, you're going to start frustrating me.