Do you not get why people get offended at some things?

Page 1 of 2 [ 21 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

doeintheheadlights
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 17 Aug 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 136
Location: Cornwall, UK

29 Jan 2011, 12:30 pm

I frequently make the mistake of unintentionally offending people by saying things, and looking back on what I said I have no idea why these people would get offended at what I had said, as it's usually when I'm just stating my opinion on something. I recently made a post on a wedding forum because I wanted advice on bridesmaids dresses, and I wrote that I didn't like David's Bridal because the dresses all looked cheap to me. Then the posts of "I'm so offended, I used David's Bridal for my wedding" started pouring in, and I was left thinking why someone would care about another person's opinion on something like that? I hear opinions all the time that differ from my own about certain things, but I never get offended and thought that this was typical. Aren't people expected state their opinions about things? I never know when to say my opinion and when to keep it to myself- how are you supposed to know what opinions will offend people and what won't?



ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 18 Jun 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,265

29 Jan 2011, 12:34 pm

I've done it many times, offended people and yes, I can understand why. Sometimes, I honestly don't realize, at the time, it would be offensive. Later, I figure it out. It takes reflection and some introspection. If you say something that hurts another's feelings, they tend to resent it.
Even though I am not perfect, it still upsets me and aggravates me when people are rude and disrespectful to me. Even if I know they are like me and cannot help it, it's still annoying. Sorry, I had to get that out in the open. It's okay to be irritated at other people's rudenesses.



League_Girl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 27,317
Location: Pacific Northwest

29 Jan 2011, 12:40 pm

I don't understand either so I take it as people will get offended at anything and I also think people are just looking for an arguement so they will pretend to be offended. Even if I apologize just so they will shut up and they don't, that's when I know. I think because it's the internet, some people don't even care and will just argue for the sake of it. Worst of all some even go reporting comments to the mods when someone doesn't agree with them saying it's a personal attack. I also think some people just don't know the difference between opinions and personal attack. I also think some do it for revenge because they are butthurt someone didn't agree with them.


_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.


ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 18 Jun 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,265

29 Jan 2011, 12:44 pm

To me, the internet is a different place. I am talking about offending people in person when they are right in front of me getting all annoyed, or me in their shoes, getting annoyed because I feel like they have disrespected me. I've been in these situations so many times, it's one of the reason the enjoyment has eroded.
It's easier to let little things over the internet go, unless it's a blatant insult. Simply disagreeing with another's opinion isn't the same as being rude unless their opinion is an insult to begin with .



MrMagpie
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 25 Jan 2011
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 106
Location: Findlay, Ohio

29 Jan 2011, 12:56 pm

I can't count the number of situations I've been in where I'll be having what I think is a normal discussion with someone, and suddenly I'll look up at them and my brain sort of snaps into focus like a rubber band and I realize - or they flat out tell me - that they're offended or upset. Even looking back, though, I can't imagine why they would have been. We were just having a simple conversation.

I usually just put it down to other people being overly sensitive.



Skepkat
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jan 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 89

29 Jan 2011, 12:56 pm

I used David's Bridal for my wedding and I am very offended. Oh, wait. I'm not offended because I don't care about fashion. :wink:

I don't understand these reactions either. But then I don't get fashion trends. I like what I like regardless of whether or not it's "cool". So I don't think about it much.

But I know a lot of women who care very much about these things. They talk about name brands and how cute the new line is. They are easily swayed by peer pressure and the popular trends. Again, these are things I've never understood, but I acknowledge that it happens and it impacts others.



League_Girl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 27,317
Location: Pacific Northwest

29 Jan 2011, 1:13 pm

ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo wrote:
To me, the internet is a different place. I am talking about offending people in person when they are right in front of me getting all annoyed, or me in their shoes, getting annoyed because I feel like they have disrespected me. I've been in these situations so many times, it's one of the reason the enjoyment has eroded.
It's easier to let little things over the internet go, unless it's a blatant insult. Simply disagreeing with another's opinion isn't the same as being rude unless their opinion is an insult to begin with .


I was replying to the OP. Since he did use a wedding forum as an example. In real life I am totally different, my attitude that is about people getting offended and not understanding why.


_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.


ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 18 Jun 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,265

29 Jan 2011, 1:35 pm

League_Girl wrote:
ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo wrote:
To me, the internet is a different place. I am talking about offending people in person when they are right in front of me getting all annoyed, or me in their shoes, getting annoyed because I feel like they have disrespected me. I've been in these situations so many times, it's one of the reason the enjoyment has eroded.
It's easier to let little things over the internet go, unless it's a blatant insult. Simply disagreeing with another's opinion isn't the same as being rude unless their opinion is an insult to begin with .


I was replying to the OP. Since he did use a wedding forum as an example. In real life I am totally different, my attitude that is about people getting offended and not understanding why.

In that particular situation, it was the OP's topic, so she can say pretty much what she wants about David's Bridal. If I used David's Bridal, I might feel a tinge of insecurity reading that someone thought it was cheap. I would wonder if people had that impression of my wedding, that everyone looked tacky? People were reacting based on their own insecurity about their weddings and choices.
I was thinking of situations irl where I have said things to people without realizing how annoyed they were with me until I thought about it later, or people saying or acting rude to me and how it makes me feel.
Chances are reading the comment about David's Bridal worried a few of the forum members so they typed in protesting, due to sentiment.



doeintheheadlights
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 17 Aug 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 136
Location: Cornwall, UK

29 Jan 2011, 1:56 pm

ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo wrote:
In that particular situation, it was the OP's topic, so she can say pretty much what she wants about David's Bridal. If I used David's Bridal, I might feel a tinge of insecurity reading that someone thought it was cheap. I would wonder if people had that impression of my wedding, that everyone looked tacky? People were reacting based on their own insecurity about their weddings and choices.


That makes sense, but isn't it well known that David's Bridal is cheap? I thought that was pretty well known, and generally the people who go there go to save money or because they don't care to spend a fortune on dresses, and if they did then they would go to higher end stores. That's the reason I went there initially at least, because I thought it was silly to be spending 200 plus dollars on a bridesmaid dress. People say all the time that Walmart is a cheap store, why don't people who shop there get offended by that?

The internet's a strange place, I think I make the mistake a lot of talking to people on the internet as I would in person, and treating what people say to me as if they had said it to me in person. I notice I insult people far less in real life, but that may be because I'm absolutely horrible at talking and rarely speak my mind.



ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 18 Jun 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,265

29 Jan 2011, 2:11 pm

doeintheheadlights wrote:
That makes sense, but isn't it well known that David's Bridal is cheap? I thought that was pretty well known, and generally the people who go there go to save money or because they don't care to spend a fortune on dresses, and if they did then they would go to higher end stores. That's the reason I went there initially at least, because I thought it was silly to be spending 200 plus dollars on a bridesmaid dress. People say all the time that Walmart is a cheap store, why don't people who shop there get offended by that?

Maybe it's because of all the wedding shows on television at the moment? Everyone is trying to outdo everyone else so their wedding is the absolute best. Weddings have become a status symbol of sorts and everyone is supposed to go all out for theirs or else face massive criticism. It's become a grand competition. People might be sensitive about weddings in particular, and some might not even feel David's Bridal is cheap if they spent a lot of money there. Cheapness is a subjective concept. If you are poor, $100 dollars is expensive. That amount seems cheap to a rich person, who may think anything below $10,000 a dress is not making the grade.
Quote:
The internet's a strange place, I think I make the mistake a lot of talking to people on the internet as I would in person, and treating what people say to me as if they had said it to me in person. I notice I insult people far less in real life, but that may be because I'm absolutely horrible at talking and rarely speak my mind.

On the internet, people are more liberal since they know they, most likely, will never see the people they are communicating with. They don't have to worry about the people getting angry and trying to ruin their friendships based on hurt feelings of one person.



Yensid
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,253
Location: Honolulu, Hawaii

29 Jan 2011, 2:58 pm

doeintheheadlights wrote:
how are you supposed to know what opinions will offend people and what won't?


That is the question, isn't it.

I know what sort of things will offend people, but I don't know how they will react. I can avoid saying anything that might be even vaguely offensive, but that often puts me in a position where it leaves me nothing to say at all.

People do say offensive things to each other. Sometimes, they even enjoy it. What I am really poor at is figuring out what will be amusing, what will be offensive, and what will simply be confusing.



MrXxx
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 May 2010
Age: 65
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,760
Location: New England

29 Jan 2011, 3:07 pm

It's a two way street. Sometimes I don't get why people are offended. Sometimes they don't get why I am.

Such is life with AS. "Sorry" may be hard to say sometimes, but I'm getting used to it.


_________________
I'm not likely to be around much longer. As before when I first signed up here years ago, I'm finding that after a long hiatus, and after only a few days back on here, I'm spending way too much time here again already. So I'm requesting my account be locked, banned or whatever. It's just time. Until then, well, I dunno...


Seanwookie
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 10 Dec 2009
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 31

29 Jan 2011, 7:36 pm

I don't quite understand why religion seems to matter to peopleso much that they get offended when they find out I'm an Atheist. it just seems so silly and nonsensical to a person like me (religion is).


_________________
My blog http://www.autisticblogger.com


buryuntime
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Dec 2008
Age: 88
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,662

29 Jan 2011, 7:52 pm

I offend people a lot. It's not my fault. It's the other person taking things too personally or being too defensive. I don't see why I can't state my own opinions without people taking it as a personal attack against themselves when I tell them it has nothing to do with them personally.



Qatsi64
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 27 Jan 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 39

29 Jan 2011, 8:02 pm

For me, it is mostly about ego. Until you know someone really well, they aren't going to like hearing anything that is critical about anything they have chosen. When someone asks you "What do you think?", they rarely want to know what you think. Instead, they want you to validate whatever it is they think or have chosen. Does it make sense in a literal, AS world? Nope. But if you want other folks to understand us and our quirks, we have to at least try to meet them halfway.

I get by mostly by keeping quiet. I've learned over a number of years and a number of incidents like the one the OP describes that when you don't understand the rules so well, it is better to be a bit conservative in what you say. I also think it is just fine to fire away with your opinions and speak your mind. But if you do, be prepared for people to not be so happy about it.



Verdandi
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Dec 2010
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 12,275
Location: University of California Sunnydale (fictional location - Real location Olympia, WA)

29 Jan 2011, 8:02 pm

Sometimes, people make things about them.

Sometimes people say things that while they don't intend them to be about individuals they may be speaking to or near, those things really are about those individuals. If a dude is talking about how terrible women are around me, I think I'm in my rights to point out that this is a terrible generalization to make, and not accept answers like "I didn't mean you." If you're going to complain about a particular women or group of women, make it clear.

I don't always know why people are offended. There is a particular category of things I know are typically bad things to say, and I even know why these things are bad to say. Outside of that, there's general etiquette I've picked up over the years, although it's ritualized, and I still get in trouble (why should I pretend to like food I can't even eat? And why is my inability to eat it offensive? I don't get it).