How do I cope with my brothers autism?

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Apologies if this is the wrong part of the forum.

My little brother has autism, he is 16 and I am 19. Right now, i'm sorry but I can't help but hate him.

He is super super sensitive to anything I do or say. It is as if, for the past few years, he has decided that I am the enemy. He will shout at me for leaving bread out, or not washing up my cups straight away in the home, and then tell my mother that I raised my voice first and that I bully him. I try and keep calm, but when I try and reason with him he says i'm patronising him. When I ignore him shouting in my face and calling me hurtful names he gets even more angry, and when I try and argue or just loose my temper he gets physically violent towards me.

I don't know what to do anymore. He has told my mother that I should not speak to him, and just allow him to tell me off (without me saying a word) when he has a problem with anything I do. Apparently, according to him, he will then calm down. This does not work and he trashes the house and comes after me.

He has punched me, slapped me, thrown things at me, pushed me down the stairs and tried to stab me a few times too. If I hadn't of ran away and locked myself in my bedroom he would have.

I hate that he is telling his teachers that I am bulling him and making my life a misery. I have my own things to battle with, getting my grades for university, and I now may be pregnant, I can't deal with this stress too.

No one asks how I am when I have been hit because he breaks down crying, saying that I made him do it.

:( How can I make this better before he seriously hurts me? I'm scared to be alone with him.

Set up a web cam. Record everything he does during one of these incidents. Then show it to your mother.

Maybe record a bunch of these "adventures".

If nothing else, if everyone involves has everyone else's best interests in mind, then some strategies can be developed that would diffuse these situations. If your brother really is out of control, there's nothing like a little hard evidence to shake things up.

Beware. If the dynamic is your brother is "always right", not matter what, this might end with you being tossed out of the house.

Have you discussed the situation with the rest of your family? Have they done anything to address your safety concerns?

You'd mentioned you are a college student. Is living in the dorms at your school, rather than at home an option?

There are sibling support groups online; maybe you could find advice or support there from people who may better understand what you are are going through.

They have seen it first-hand and they don't know what to do either. We don't have dorms - it's a sixth form in the UK

Have they seen this:



Stabbing, or attempting to stab, another person is a criminal offense. Autism is no excuse. If he is really this aggressive, someone WILL get seriously injured. It's a matter of when, not if.

Yeah they know it has happened but they don't want him to get into trouble with the police as he wouldn't cope. Nobody knows what to do.

That's just crazy. As if he is coping now.

(sarcasm alert)
I know. Wait until he actually stabs someone and then social services and the police will take over the situation. Yup. That's a good plan.
(sarcasm over)

Move out. Better poor and safe than dead.

What he is doing is completely unacceptable, and he is a danger - not just to you (by "tried to stab" I assume you mean that he raised a sharp implement) but to anyone who annoys him.

You have a problem with your family if they are not supporting you in this violence. You have to have outside help to deal with him, and you do not need permission to look for help. If your brother gets in trouble, then it is trouble he created, and you are helping him in the long run no matter how angry other people get about it right now.

Have you tried social services? In the last resort, if you do walk out, then you are not intentionally homeless, so you can ask for emergency housing - obviously you must check your rights (and the availability of housing) with a Citizens Advice Bureau or whatever is available in your area before doing anything. It is a good idea to keep your parents informed of what you are doing and where you, and that you are safe etc.

I know it is playing a stereotype, but being pregnant should raise your priority on any kind of list. Get yourself a pregnancy test kit from any chemist in the morning to answer that question - you pee on a stick and wait 2 minutes for an indicator mark to show up.

He should be tried in court as an adult.

I am new to this site although I have been following on twitter .I have 4 asperger grandchildren, the oldest 14 and the youngest 8 none are medicated but we douse organically sourced natural products with great results and I have a daughter that has not been diagnosed I would think you and your family have tried all the usual things . .like is it connected to food (avoiding gluten and wheat helps )or drinks with bright colour ,and I know it is stressfull for all concerned .some of mine use a herbal supplement called nutri calm works in approx 20 mins ,I am unsure where you live but it is a excellent product especially for you brother ,but would benefit whole family also a product called chamomile and passion flower drops is great for younger children ( can only get this one from America).as a family I have no idea how we would cope without these two product.

I'm sorry but I'm going to take your brother's side. I've been so angry that I've wanted to hurt people but haven't. Ok, once I was so depressed and my sister provoked me so I attacked her. But your brother is autistic which could mean anything from having difficulty communicating what he wants properly and holding back his anger.
I can't believe people are saying autism isn't an excuse. Just because you've got it mild doesn't mean you can be the authority on how an autistic person should act.
I'm sorry he has threatened you but he has a different way of thinking. Get your parents to put him in therapy or have him diagnosed as ODD and get him on medication.
I snap at people but it doesn't mean I hate them. And you shouldn't hate your brother for doing something he can't control.

A sixteen year old male is a man... your parents might still think of him as a kid, but biologically he's probably hit puberty (might explain some of his rages, but it's not an excuse) and for his own sake he has to learn NOT to hit or attempt to stab women. Ideally he should not be stabbing or yelling at anyone, but it's especially serious if he gets into the habit of attacking his sister with parents tacitly approving. (Because that's what their silence seems like... tacit approval.)

I know how he feels, I have felt like this myself, but there's no excuse for this behaviour... even if he can't help himself, your parents shouldn't tolerate it, and should be protecting you.

You need to get out, physically away from it. And keep a diary, retain any evidence that you have... if he's allowed to continue like this he's going to hurt someone. I really hope it's not you.

Stay safe, and let us know how it goes.

I agree with kazbue. Has he ever eaten gluten-free, or dairy-free? Tested for food allergies? There ARE many food colour dyes that can cause allergies and extreme mood reactions. I have never been aggressive like your brother, but I have been on a gluten- and dairy-free diet for four years now, and it has helped me quite a lot as I am able to concentrate more. Although I'm still hypersensitive to a lot of things, this diet has brought the sensitivity down significantly for me, and if my anxiety was at a 10 previous to this diet, I'd say it is now at a 4 or 5. It hasn't changed my personality, but made me more able to cope with what is going on around me. There have been a lot of physical improvements for me, too, but those are less important for this topic.

If your brother is physically harming you, what's the most important here is your safety. Even though he is autistic, it isn't a reason for you and for others to allow him to harm or attempt to harm you. I'm not saying that he should take responsibility and stop -- I can't assume that he can really control his actions, but assuming he CAN'T control it, then... it may not be his fault, but that is no reason for you to be expected to passively accept his physical and verbal abuse. I agree that you should do your best to record anything you can to show your family, and that they NEED to help. If your brother is incapable of working on this problem, then it is your family's responsibility to help him because he should not be allowed to hurt people. Just because he is autistic doesn't mean you should have to suffer and live with his aggression without question and with no one doing anything to help. It's wrong for anyone to have the mindset that "this is how it is, so deal with it" for something like this.

I have never had to deal with aggression, like I said, so I don't know what help there is out there for this problem, but maybe someone else does...
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. :[
I do understand a little, if it makes you feel any better. I can't move out because I have trouble fully living on my own, so I have to live with my Borderline mother who refuses that she has BPD and refuses any treatment. She becomes aggressive and rages and lies and screams and flips out for no reason, so I do understand, and how scary it can be, and how people don't believe you much of the time because what you're telling them seems unbelievable.

Well, why are you leaving the bread out? It could get mouldly. I wouldn't want to have to share food with someone who left it out. He probably takes these matters very seriously and you doing things like that is very distressing to him, and he flies into a rage because it's out of his control.

Things like that are unpredictable and that is hard to deal with.

I agree with buryuntime. Your brother sounds like he has not learned a lot of NT rules. I had a hard time learning them myself.

One thing you can do it actually put bread away and wash your cups. You are supposed to do it anyways. My bet is that he does not have a proper way of expressing himself. I know that I had a hard time expressing myself and I would often burst into tears. YOU CANNOT JUDGE HIM. Judge his reasoning but do not judge him. I absolutely hate is when people judge me, I have been able to get over it but it is a feeling which never goes away.
Hell I have started yelling at my sisters for watching TV too much. They watch these ridiculous shows which do nothing to advance their lives. I am trying to help them, but my sisters won't have it. My mother doesn't support me very often. But I have learned not to get upset about it.

Your brother Definitely needs therapy. Definitely. I learned how to control myself in Gr.7.

Now IMO you should work him on expressing himself without breaking down. Maybe you should even get him on this forum? He may learn how to better express himself over the internet. Or even writing a diary or a journal!

You do need to get out of there though. I want you to help him, I really do, but your own safety first please.

It ISN'T an excuse to punch someone, slap them, throw things at them, push them down the stairs and try to stab them!
Having a disorder isn't a free pass for making other people live miserably and in fear.