Mom troubles regarding my apartment and how I live. Advice?

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Okay kind of a long story, but I'll try to make it short.

I'm a working professional, more than two years out of grad school. From May 09 to Dec 10 I lived at home, then moved into a house with friends from Dec 10 to Jun 11. For various reasons, the friends had to leave, which forced me to move to since I didn't need a whole house to myself. Late June I found and moved into a great apartment. 12 month lease, I love it!

My parents hadn't seen the place yet, but were eager to. I suggested a date when we could do lunch and all that. Instead, they stop by unannounced yesterday evening. I'm a guy, and while I'm far cleaner than most, it still wasn't perfect when they came by. Papers on the desk (doing my taxes), dirty dishes, unmade bed. Normal stuff. To their credit, at the time they seemed understanding, and liked the place I've got. End of story right?

Wrong. Today my Mom calls and offers to come by later this week with somethings for the place. "Like what" I ask. "Oh some things like a swiffer for your floors." "Okay" "And some more things to make the place more homey." Next thing you know she's asking about if it's okay to hang things on the walls, and that I need a futon, and that the place needs to look more like a home and less like I've "dropped in" to use her words.

I said I appreciated the offer, but I wasn't sure I needed all that, and I didn't get the place to start filling it up with stuff I'll just have to sell the next time I move (which in my line of work as a filmmaker is always a possibility).

She kept on pushing that I needed to make it look more like a real home, and finally I said, "Look, I appreciate it, but I've got the place how I like it." She then used a tactic she has frequently done in the past: the guilt trip. She became overly, almost mockly apologetic for "intruding" in my life and vaguely insulted me by saying, "I just wanted to make it more homely, but I know you'd rather just live like you dropped in." She kept using that, like it was code for crash pad, or like I'm a transient. And of course, it wound up with ME apologizing to HER, but she acted petulant and cut things off and said, "I've got to go" and hung up.

Part of me feels bad, because I always feel bad when things like this go unpleasantly. But part of me is REALLY PISSED. I'm 27 goddamn years old. I put myself through grad school, and I saved up enough money to pay for a new car. I've managed to do well supporting myself as a freelancer in the worst economy since the Great Depression.

And yet, she still demonstrates little confidence in my ability to manage my own affairs. At what point do I earn the right to live my life on my own terms, without her judging me, or wanting to come in and take over by decorating the place and arranging it how it "should" be arranged?

At what point I am allowed to make a decision and have her accept it, instead of acting insulted?

I'm not a bad son. I'm a good son, for the reasons I listed above, and because I never lied, never snuck at at nights, drank, or really got into trouble. Never mismanaged money...hell I don't even use my credit card, because I don't like to owe money later. My parents live a half hour away, and I eat dinner with them at least once a week, and depending on time of year (my dad is a coach) I'll see them more than that. And we talk on the phone several times a week.

I'm a good son, a good, responsible person, but she sometimes seems blind to this. Worse, she seems unaware of the dangers. For a time I was in counseling for depression and anxiety...stemming from being laid off from a job I got after grad school. I've always coped with self esteem issues, tied to AS and my inability to make many friends or form romantic relationships, and it took some time to get out of that melancholic spiral. I'm in about the best place I've ever been, and more and more I'm starting to think if my Mom hasn't been a (significant) source of much of my anxiety and image issues, with how much she has tried to involved herself in my life and control it well into adulthood. For god sakes, 18 months ago she berated me about my room not being clean to the point that I broke down sobbing, and THEN she apologized.

I've told her before what she sometimes does, whether she realizes it or not. I try to tell her that what I need most from her is for her to have confidence in me and my abilities, that if I have a question or need advice, I'll come to her, but if not, she should believe I know what I'm doing.

Sure, I'm not like other people. What is wrong with that? I'm not living in squalor, and when she came to visit, that was arguably out of context, as I am normally very tidy. I just don't like a ton of stuff. I get things as I need them. Am I right? Or does she have a point and was I not being open to her "offer?" Is it time I set down some boundaries, or do I risk this blowing up in my face with her pulling some more of her tactics to make me guilty and force my contrition?

BR

I agree with you. Getting too much stuff makes moving more of a chore and since you don't sound convinced you want to stay in that apartment, why get extra stuff.

A year flies by pretty quick and then you are stuck moving everything.

My first wife and I had to move 300 miles from her parents to get away from their need to be "involved" in our life. Little did I know that she resented me all along for depriving her of her mother's "love" - (i.e., housekeeping, laundry services, et cetera) because she was too effing lazy to lift a finger for herself.

She's just being a mum.
I live 550 miles away from my parents.
It works better that way.

Well since I can't live that far away, do I just humor her, or do I assert myself and make clear I am an adult, I've got the place how I like it, and I've amply demonstrated my ability to govern my own affairs?

I've had this problem with both my partner's parents and my own. Assert yourself. State your needs and decisions clearly, and without using language that "blames" by putting responsibility for the situation on her. Make it clear that yo are the one who lives there and that it will only be comfortable if it fits your needs.

Prepare for her to be hurt. Don't try to hurt her, but when she gets insulted or petulant or tries to guilt trip you, let her have her little tantrum without engaging with it. Excuse yourself from the conversation, and let her have the space to think about what you said without the softening apologetics and/or hurtful exchange. If she's a good mom, she'll process it and learn. It might take one or two encounters like this before she gets it, but it will happen.

Then again, if she's like my mom, she'll find a way to make you being hospitalized about herself, even if she doesn't come and sit with you in hospital. Who knows.

Many mothers think of their sons that way all their lives. Just continue to politely refuse. When you try to build an argumentative case with her for why it's your prerogative to live as you do you just infantilize yourself. Only children have to convince their parents. Adults just go about their business. So just go about your business and politely refuse her offers. It is no longer important whether she approves of your way of life because she is no longer responsible for you the way she was when you were a child. It's that sense of responsibility that keeps this going. And that is fed by you trying to convince her she's wrong, just like a 15 year old arguing for permission to stay out late.

Why not try explaining the reason why you do not want too much stuff, then say "thanks but no thanks." Someone couldn't possibly stay upset over something so trivial for very long.

^^^ THIS.

This is just an idea, and it may not work, but...

1. Get yourself a storage locker.

2. Box up all the stuff you don't need.

3. Put the boxed stuff in the locker.

4. Wait 1 year.

5. Regift what you don't want or can't use.

6. Donate the remainder to Goodwill or the Salvation Army.

7. Repeat as needed.

I agree she's just being a Mom, but here's a thought - declare to her that you have adopted a Minimalist lifestyle. Tell her that her life is too cluttered with material possessions and maybe even buy her a copy of "The joy of less" or a send her a link to a blog like this.
http://www.missminimalist.com/2010/07/t ... ing-guide/
Ask her to only bring or suggest things that support your lifestyle choice. Whenever she bugs you about acquiring stuff, tell her it's unhealthy to clutter one's mind with all of that baggage and hand her an article on how refreshing minimalism is. If you can pull it off, sigh deeply ........

This strikes me as being a totally normal subject line, and the original post might as easily have been found in "Dear Abby".

I'm sorry, OP, it's just a mother-adult child problem. If you were married, she'd be trying to tell your wife how to keep house for you. She can't break the habit. I know it's easier said than done, but "Just say no". And calmly stick with it.

I'm a mother of an adult child (and grandmother), and have been the adult daughter of an "interfering" mother. The same problem marches on down the generations, and sometimes reverses when the oldest generation really does get too old to be capable of caring for themselves (maybe helped by Alzheimer's or extreme physical frailty) and does not want their own life controlled.

But I worry if my AS is factoring in to her actions. That she has doubt in my ability to govern my affairs, that she insists on knowing better than I do. She will not acknowledge that, she may well know better, but that doesn't make my way any invalid. I'm not living in squalor, I'm not hurting anyone else I just like how I'm living right now. I don't think I've ever been so happy and satisfied. I'm starting to make money, I'm working on my films and I've got my own place. I wish she would just be happy that I'm happy, and not always interject and find ways of improving me.

It reminds me of when I got my first job post-grad. I was so proud because it was something I was perfectly suited for, and that I had gotten a job in a really bad economy. But you know what she said? She asked how much I was making, and when I told her, she said, "I thought you'd be making a lot more than that." I think to her, success and happiness is guaged by material possessions, which matters not at all to me. I want to accomplish something great with my work as a filmmaker, and if I get rich doing it, that's awesome, but that's not my goal. I swear, if I won an Academy Award, her first response would be, "So does this mean you'll be getting paid more?"

It's to where I'm afraid to have her come over, and I about had a heart attack when I looked through my peephole and There She Was. She's such a goddamn perfectionist. My freshman year in high school, I got all As my first semester. And you know what she does? She goes right to the ONLY C grade I got on a final exam, which didn't even f*****g matter because I got all As!

In a way that was a good thing, because I quit worrying about grades, and began to focus more on what fulfilled me personally. Because no matter what, she wasn't going to be satisfied, so I figured, "f**k her." It's what I feel like saying now. It's really my Dad who keeps the family together, because I love him so much. He's the kind of father I almost don't feel I deserve. And so I keep it civil with her, so I can see him, and things stay together. If anything ever happened to him, I'd lose a pretty big reason to want to see my Mom, quite frankly. I don't feel the same way about her at all.

Only your mother can really answer whether or not your Asperger's diagnosis affects here handling of you, her son.

Sometimes, when moms are moms long enough, they forget how to be anyone else. Some women don't know another way to show love.

But yeah, if you feel she hasn't accepted you as an independent adult who happens to be the man she gave birth to, then yes, you've got something to work on. Probably best to work at this productively wherever possible. But also, yeah, the guilt trip s**t has to go soon

Bottom line is this.

1: It's your apartment, not hers.

2: As you said, you're a big boy. Unless her name is on the lease she has no jurisdiction over the apartment and your parents were rude for showing up unannounced. I'm sure you're like me and you would have power cleaned the place if you had known they were coming, but since they showed up unannounced it's their own damn fault for not giving you time to prepare.

3: Don't play into guilt. I stopped feeling guilty over anything my mother says and does to me.

I didn't read through all the replies, so please excuse me if this possible motive was already discussed.

I think:
1. Your mom has probably been a bit bored.
2. She saw making your place more "homey" as a fun project (some people do see to enjoy home decorating).
3. She excitedly spent some time planning out the project.
4. She got even more excited about how you would respond with "OMG mom, that's the best plan EVER!" when she told you about her plan.
5. She called to spring the exciting news on you, but she didn't get the response she was expecting.
6. She got a bit grumpy and stormed off (hung up)

On the positive side: At least your dad doesn't have hyperactive ADHD that he medicates by building antique furniture replicas, that would then become soul bound to you for the rest of your life if accepted. Every corner of my place would have some odd piece of furniture in it, if I hadn't put my foot down a few years ago.

Sometimes family members are a bit ridiculous, and that's how we can know they really love us.