How to combat ignorant gossip - Autism damage control

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I'm independent, living on my own in a new town. I was employed at a job locally from 2007-2008. I never divulged my Autistic difficulties with this employer, as doing this in the past has only gotten me unemployed, or into trouble. Still, people at this job knew there was something 'different' about me, and I would occasionally encounter mis-communication and friction for some quirk or another - nothing serious, no write-ups. Anyway, over the 18 months of employment, I became a go-to as a source of information, all the stores would call and ask me questions, as my personal interests were in the field of what the company sold. I became trusted over several months, and was even offered a store of my own to manage after 12 months.

A few months after kindly declining that offer, I was fired. I was on my own one night, and stressed out - and I screwed up technically with two customers on the very same day (one of them had their paid products stolen from my watch, off the counter!), while running the store by myself, and was fired for it. Nothing other than technical and social illiteracy, as I did not follow proper protocol. Of course this protocol would not occur to me naturally - and indeed for the error I took full responsibility. These mistakes are something now obvious in retrospect, idiotic even, but then that's the problem with hindsight. I hadn't encountered these scenarios before, and didn't have the capacities for anything other than autopilot at the time.

After being fired, I wrote a brief letter to the CEO explaining my Autism, my social and interpersonal illiteracy, and apologizing for any perceived losses (& material losses) to his company. The paid vacation week taken from me was certainly of more value (5x) than any product losses - errors which I also offered to pay for. My issue is that now word has come back to me, that among all the people who knew me at that job, there is now gossip about how I "cheated" the company, and how I did something really stupid. It makes me seem dishonest, idiotic, and puts me in a really bad and untrustworthy light personally. And the people passing this around have no idea about my having Autism, and of the whole context of the incident that got me fired - they are just street-level people like I was.

What bothers me is that due to this, people whom ought NOT to know anything about it, now do. People whom are not even employees of the company, whom know me in private life - both customers, and townspeople. The grapevine has reached several layers out from this local store - and It has taken me totally by surprise that communities would even talk about such an imprudent thing, without even asking to know what happened directly from me (I am very willing to tell them, too). I find it very distressing. I have never understood this aspect of humanity, these imprudent tentacles of ignorance. I do not know whether to address this with the people I know are the source. I feel I have to, because otherwise apparently my "reputation" among locals could be harmed. For someone who is a "loner" "strange" "awkward" and outcast already, that could be really bad.

Is this a type of slander, legally...? (there can be a potential financial damage with gossip) Has anyone tried halting something like this? I don't know if it's something that humans are supposed to do. Has anyone, tried to stem off the negativity, assumption, and judgement that came from a mistake you made in a public place? I don't know what to do.

Any stories or advice?

Last edited by abyssquick on 13 May 2011, 12:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hmm...are you in the US? If so, I believe it is against the law to withhold your accrued/earned vacation as a 'repayment' for any kind of loss.

Did you collect unemployment after the fact (US question)? If not, you may have been eligible regardless of the scenario. My understanding is that in order for a company to fight your unemployment on the basis of 'fired with cause', there would need to be a recording of a PATTERN of unacceptable behavior AS WELL AS evidence that those issues were discussed with you, with adequate warnings given regarding potential impact on your job status, etc. Just being fired may not make you ineligible for unemployment in some cases and some states, it's always best to know your rights and protections.

Intelligent discourse with large collectives of people is not possible. They're not interested in what is true or right, they're interested in simplistic notions they can agree upon, because such notions bind them together and togetherness is a prerequisite for their mental and physical survival.

The best solution is probably for you to leave town, if possible.

My experience has been that the more you protest, and the more you try to set the record straight, the more you get blamed. It's a sick aspect of human nature unfortunately, to want to seek scapegoats or create drama by spreading gossip. If I were you I would still try to talk to people to explain your side, but I wouldn't expect too much from it..

Yes, I was able to get unemployment. I was fired for an "isolated incident" and not for any recorded pattern of poor performance. I have gotten fairly good at acting on the stage, by learning appropriate patterns and appearances, but there are still so many areas where I am conceptually inchoate and naive socially. My incident actually took the employer by surprise, they were very cruel about it - I was interrogated for an hour prior to my official firing, they had even called down someone from an office 1/2 hour away. My every activity that day was scrutinized, questioned, an explanation demanded - every statement I made dissected and/or insulted in a passive aggressive manner. I didn't learn I was fired until after all of it. It was as though I was guilty of something terrible, and they were looking for something more by bullying me. I don't know how the incident appeared to them, but apparently I breached their trust substantially. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone.

Requiring them to pay for vacation weeks earned varies from state to state. Some states make it mandatory, while other only mandate it if the individual quits. I live in one of many states where the employer has all the rights (right-to-work state) and accordingly, the employee gets shafted in situations like this. This same company also required me to do 2 full days worth of extracurricular (unpaid) quiz-answering in order to get my raises. Homework. I later learned this was illegal, too. America takes this stuff lightly, and people here are pushovers whenever companies take their time or rights away.

Last edited by abyssquick on 13 May 2011, 12:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I relate to this. The manager of the local store (I still shop there) is a nearby neighbor of mine, and I sometimes talk to her while she's out walking her dogs in the evening. She's quite nice, not gossip-prone herself. It's her employees who are spreading this, some of whom worked with me in the same store at which I was employed. I think this scenario means I have an advantage - in that I know the person of influence. However, one of my problems is I see humans in an idealistic light, treat them as how I want them to be - diplomatic, tentative, and unassuming. I don't know what effect this has. All I know is I am perceived as "strange" consistently. That bit gets fed back to me everywhere I go.

Sorry, but protocol exists for that reason; to cover your ass if things go wrong. I'm sorry you lost your job and I dislike the fact that everything today has red-tape but in future, be careful to know the rules and follow them as best you can; if something crops up, ask your senior what to do.

I don't think you could sue the company for slandering you. You didn't follow the rules and got fired as a result. I'm not sure how retroactively disclosing a diagnosis will affect things in your country- you may get lucky.



That is unfortunate, but it is idle speculation and it will die down eventually. Just ignore it and continue on as normal (just follow the rules too) and they'll get over themselves.

The slander question comes from what is behind this gossip itself. I indicated to the owner clearly why the incident occurred, and not to take it personally, it was indeed my mistake, and I took FULL responsibility, offered to pay damages, and apologized. The CEO's response (as I learned recently) was to feature my particular incident in the company-wide newsletter a week later, as an example of "dishonesty" (?) "abuse of power" (as in, making the wrong call, outside my jurisdiction) getting someone fired. The truth is, I have no idea what these people are assuming about me - and that is the key word: "assuming." I am having trouble putting together how this is even being perceived by them. I don't know how they got all of this. Near as I can tell, they chose to go a more cynical, judgmental route, and now that is affecting me personally. That is why I ask about "slander" in this particular case. I don't dispute my error in protocol. I dispute everything they are apparently saying after that.

Surely we should not let our Autism dictate where we live? If I were to move somewhere else, I would probably screw up there too, eventually. And then what? Move again, and re-try until the facade is successfully intact? I don't know. If I am to accept the way I am, and function independently in society, I have to be willing to find out which battles are worth fighting. I think the right to exist and live in places of my discretion is one such worthy battle - comfort in a setting / environment is key to living with Autism Spectrum syndromes, so the choice of where we live life (a choice which most 'normal' people take for granted) is actually important for us. I suppose I just don't know whether to concern myself with people, or not - if this is a fruitful train of thought, or if perhaps I'm being deluded a bit by my idealism towards people yet again. I suppose it all depends a bit on "playing by ear" --- but I never know if what I am hearing is genuine.

What you're hearing has a good chance of being genuine only if you're in a 1-on-1 conversation with someone whose attention is focused on the topic of conversation and not on the social implications of what s/he's saying to you. Is there someone in town with whom you can have such a conversation?

It's very reasonable of you to not want to be bullied out of town, but other people aren't reasonable. They don't care about what you think they "should" do, they care about what's socially convenient to them and they'll adopt whichever beliefs will lead them to be accepted/admired by others. You can't combat ignorant gossip, because ignorant gossip is the fabric of society. Attacking ignorant gossip will lead to you being seen as a threat and trigger more ignorant gossip.

I think apologising was definitely the right thing to do, but I'm not sure if you should have claimed full responsibility (even if it was your fault)- there should be an internal investigation to decide that so don't make yourself the 'fall guy' before you have to. That said, it may not have affected the outcome. Good practice to say sorry though; that will stand to you in future.



As long as he didn't mention you by name though, I don't think you have a case for slander- that's usually how they get around that. Do check though, but I think his come-back will be that he hasn't done anything except show what an employee has done, albeit in a different light, so that others do not make the same mistake.

Another thing- you sure it's you he's talking about? Could there have been more than one terminated employee that month?



People prefer bad news to good news and scandal is always hot gossip. Keep your head down, apply for new jobs and if anyone has the guts to ask you to your face what happened, explain your side of the story. The gossips will move on to juicier news if you don't give them more ammo.

You probably will have to put in some time on volunteer work. After about 3 months doing this, these new people will get to know you & more opportunities can then happen. Your natural work skills will bring you success as before.

If anything it gives time for people to forget and think of other things. You won't be the only person this will happen to, it has happened to me also a few times. I do my best but it does not always work out. I do not have the people skills to even see the big picture, but the skills I do have progress me forward time and time again. Do not exclude yourself, get back into the voluntary\work environment. I wish you well.

Thank you for your response -- I have given up working for others, I started my own company within 2 weeks of being fired from this last job. After a stressful initial start-up (risk! = anxiety), I now work from home rather happily. I know the methods of the "health food" industry well, at least enough to know how to undermine the pretenses, and actually provide something worthwhile and effective without having to lie or embellish in advertising (I hate advertising). So, I have withdrawn from employment under someone else. After years of being misunderstood, fired, and confused by workplace politics, I am so glad to be out of such a stressful environment. I don't think I could go back.

I am becoming involved in the community - last month I planted several fruit trees outside an elemantary school, and I have more such projects lied up. I'm looking into teaching sciences, biology, etc.

It seems to me that the reason why the CEO thought you were dishonest was because you did not disclose your Autism early on. In his mind had you made a disclosure he would have made arrangements for making reasonable accomodations for you in the workplace. In reality had you disclosed your Autism you could have opened yourself up to discrimination. Either you would have never been hired or most certainly you would never have been offered a management position. Really you under no obligation to disclose Autism to anyone. This is not the Spanish Inquisition and you have the right to remain silent.
In reality you are under no obligation to disclose your Autism because Autism does not affect your overall performance but merely gets you in trouble for isolated incidents. Yes it could be argued that a neurotypical would have handled the situation better however it could also be argued that an autistic can learn by their mistakes and that the particular incident would never happen again. Unfortunately for autistic people there is this neurotypical attitide that "there is not going to be another time".

And do you not think that neurotypical people make mistakes? A company may have a policy that the customer is always right but how many times do neurotypical managers mouth off at customers and refuse to give customers refunds or to satisfy customer complaints. Of course a neurotypical would argue that they were just having a bad day but an autistic can't use that excuse.