Whether and how to suggest Aspergers to my friend

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I have a friend of 20 years, whom I suspect also has Aspergers. I see him as socially isolated, brilliantly intelligent, compassionate and kind and rude and abrasive in turns. I worked for him when we first met, and he demanded things be done in a very quirky way, though it worked very well and made perfect sense.

Do you think I should suggest the he might have Aspergers, or tell him that I've been diagnosed and describe the symptoms? Or, do you have an even better idea that's worked for you?

If this has already been discussed at length, just help me find the thread and I'll read it.

Now that I've written this, I'm leaning toward telling him I've been diagnosed, but I would appreciate feedback before I proceed.

If he is not having functional limitations in his life and wondering why, I think he might take it the wrong way. Also he does not have those limitations, and is happy with his life, it might not make any sense in mentioning it to him.

If you are close enough, perhaps you could say you trust him and want to share something with him. Tell him about your AS, some of the things that make you an Aspie, but leave him out of it. Perhaps, if he does have it, the light will go off when you mention it. Or it might open the conversation for you to delicately go into other things that might concern him. I wouldn't come out say, "I was thinking....you might have AS" though.

I have yet to figure out the right way to do this, but I have figured out several wrong ways. *sigh* Your proposed method of revealing your own diagnosis as a conversation starter is probably the very best way.

When I first started researching AS I brought up the possibility to a friend, one of the super-high-functioning computer programmer types, and he was vehemently against the idea he might be an Aspie (even though his own son was diagnosed with AS and it is genetic.) He preferred to view his own traits through the "Highly Sensitive Person" model described by Elaine Aron. Some people feel you are saying there is something wrong with them if you use medical/neurological terms but feel validated by describing the same thing a personality type.

My ex, who was willing to accept diagnoses of dyslexia and depression from his doctors, thought my suggestion of AS was utterly disparaging. Another friend, who was complaining on his blog that he was "going crazy", agreed with my comments about AS and said he had considered the possibility himself, but then we were both shouted down in subsequent comments (talking about Asperger's on the Internet seems to drive some blog commenters into a frenzy.) I've noticed people who think they've worked very hard to act normal and hide what they think is their secret shame react VERY badly when it's pointed out that their behavior is classic Aspie and reject the idea out of emotional panic.

About 8 months ago, my daughter's teacher mentioned something about my daughter not making eye contact. I knew she was trying to suggest Aspergers, but I was a little hurt. At that time, I had little knowledge about it and I'm ashamed to say that I had a stereotype image in my mind. However, when I started to read up on various conditions which might be to blame for her behaviour (ADHD, etc), Aspergers became a strong possibility. It's probably why I'm the way I am too. In fact, we're both Aspergirls, yet exhibit it in our own ways. If someone was to suggest that I or my daughter might have Aspergers, today, I would not be offended, as I know so much about it now.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I think your idea of telling him about your own diagnosis first is the best option. It might get him thinking about himself and encourage him to do some research.

I've also been reading "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron, as mentioned above. It's a very interesting read and is making me wonder if the majority of AS symptoms are due to being an HSP. Are they one and the same or are there AS symptoms which can't be accounted for by being an HSP?

Thanks, y'all! That sounds like consensus to me. I'll share my story with him.

He's mostly happy with his life, and has developed his own explanations for those of his behaviors which frustrate him. He doesn't much like psychology, but has seen it help me and has warmed to its use by other people. The more I think about it, the more I realize that the only way he will put the information to use is if he figures it out for himself, and I need to trust that he's smart enough and self-aware enough to make his own way in this matter. All I owe him is to give him a better chance to do that, and owe is probably not the best word for what I mean. It's more like we have helped each other out a lot over the years, and I'd feel like I was holding back if I didn't say anything at all. I get that not everyone feels as relieved and inspired as I did when I got diagnosed.

Anyone have a link to his or her favorite description of Aspergers? I'd like one that Aspies relate to and understand, rather than one written for the NT-ish.