Dominating a Conversation when meeting new people?

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Whenever I go to a new school and university and try to talk to some girls (I get along with them better) everything goes more or less fine for a while until a guy comes along (I am also a guy) who will then take over the conversation and make the girl almost ignore me completely because he starts flirting with her or whatever. I'm sick of this, how do I dominate all my conversations and exclude these guys like they excluded me in the past?

You have to establish common ground with her. Simply talking to her doesn't mean a thing. The point of interest should be her, and maybe the conversation should stem from that. Usually when I mess up, my point of interest is on what I'm saying, and how I'm sounding, and getting her to like me.

I don't get it?

Exactly. That's the entire problem. Aspies DON'T get it - we are effectively blind to an important layer of communication.

The girls don't see you as a potential partner. Whatever you are talking about doesn't send them any clues that you are interested in them. The dude coming up an flirting makes the right noises, so to speak.

A bad habit for the following reaons.

1. It is offensive to some people.
2. You inhibit others from expressing themselves
3. You might miss out on some good ideas or information you would have heard if you had held your peace.

ruveyn

No, I don't really care, these guys with an average IQ and abs like Schwarzenegger think they can just walk up, treat me like dirt and steal the girls attention when I'm trying to make a friend?

This may come as a rude shock but there are NTs who are way smarter than you are.

ruveyn

I have an IQ of 140 so...

And most NTs my age are just muscle without any brain. Any advice?

Here's some advice:

1) These guys will always be around. You need to get used to it and work from there. It's unfortunate but you may as well accept it now.

2) When at all possible, get the girl alone. Don't get your hopes up when talking to a girl at a party when any ol' schmuck can come up and butt-in on your conversation. Set things up so that you'll be alone with her with minimal distractions.

3) Don't be that guy that you hate. It's not you and even if you were that guy, those guys are better at it. Also, if you meet a really nice girl and some guy comes along and does this, don't lose hope! Girls are not morons (mostly, especially if you're talking to her) and can see through this. She may seem attentive but after he leaves may confide that that guy is a huge bore and would like to know if you'd go swimming with her later this afternoon.

If you are going to focus on getting revenge on those guys by being dominant towards women, you are setting yourself up for failure. Again, the focus should be on her, because that's why you are approaching her, right? Surely the goal is to get to know her better. As for the guys coming along, it's a lot easier to snatch a girl when there is a guy already talking to her and not doing well. His approach is easier because he can use you as a foil. (foil means contrast, and he can be everything that you are not, effectively using you as an easy in)

You: Blah blah, blah blah...
Her:.....

Then I come along.

Me: Excuse me, I have a bet with my friend.
You: What:
Me: Exactly how many shirtless pics do you have of yourself on MySpace? The over/under is 10.

Something like that. She focuses on me because I've saved her from the nuisance, and I'm funny. She continues to talk to me because you are standing there. The longer you stand there, the easier it is for me to continue the conversation.

I would also point that it seems like you're trying too hard in the wrong area......

Lets say you manage to make friends with this girl by following Mindslave's advice (Which is actually pretty good advice, from what I understand of gender oriented interactions, though I think he was a bit presumptuous to assume that The/Only problem is in your choice of Topic), then what? Are you gonna re-train yourself to continually play protector of her attention from other guys until you marry her? Until you die of old age with her?

It would seem to me to be a much better idea to look for a woman that would try to understand you for who you are, and not lose interest in you whenever a set of abs comes along.

Being Aspie IS being misunderstood by most people, and perpetually having communications issues (it wouldn't have been considered a disorder if we weren't different from "normal" people).... Anyone thats interested in sharing with you will have to take that into account. Its really not that different from being in a wheel chair. You might be able to learn to go up steps on your hands, and remove much of your limitation in new and interesting ways, but it'll be an extreme experience for both you and whomever chooses to share experiences with you in your life. So its better in my experience to look for people that are open to that, rather then too busy chasing every jock on campus. Wait till you find a girl that when approached by a jock shoos the jock off, thats the girl you want to get REAL interested in real quick, and yes, girls like that exist, you just have to look for different things then what it sounds like you are currently looking for.

Anyway, just my two cents.

God no, I don't mean to become a macho and dominate the girl, I want to shut Mr Musclor up.

Why don't girls like people with high IQs? Muscles only come from training, IQ could be inherited by their children.


Have you people ever successfully flirted with a girl? How?

Or maybe you made friends with a girl without any romantic interest? How?

Yeah. But you can't have sex with a brain, now can you?

What do you want? The kind of relationship that recognizes your uniqueness? Or the kind of relationship that muscle heads end up with? If you want the muscle head thing then start lifting and start acting stupid. Those types of guys attract a certain type of girl. Some girls find those types of guys shallow and repugnant. Which would be more compatible with your personality?

We had a competitive bastard like that in my workplace. I was doing quite well socially there till then. He'd just barge in and didn't give a f**k if anybody else got excluded. I was disgusted with the women for responding so obligingly to his blatant flirting. After he left, one of the women remarked that things seemed rather sad and dull now he'd gone. A polite but witty male colleague who had also suffered his abuse grinned and said quietly, "I think I'll be able to cope with it."

I thought about competing back with him, but I can't seem to flirt deliberately, and he always looked so unseemly and dishonest to me that it would have stuck in my throat to copy him. It's sometimes possible to silence flirting simply by calling it what it is.....people like to flirt sneakily, especially when the targets of their sexual overtures are spoken for. But if they're enjoying their little indiscretions, you might not make yourself popular.

I don't usually try to change bad social environments. I just look for better ones.

It's not the IQ that puts them off, it's the inability of the guy to show anything else but IQ. People, especially women, need to connect on an emotional level. Fake that, and you've got it made (just kidding!).


I've done the heads-close-together thing, I've jovially criticised them, I've told them jokes and just made generally chirpy comments, I've grinned at them, looked away and glanced back at them again, I've looked at their faces for longer than the usual social allotted span, I've gazed admiringly at their shoes or jewelry, I've complimented them on their appearance and on the likeable things about them....I parted from one and then ran back after her and said "I'll walk you to your door....at least I'll get an extra hug this way." I don't really do sexual double-entendres much. Sometimes I put on a funny voice, or text in French. I hear that singing love songs is flirting, and I do that for a hobby. Also sharing poetry. Another one is to briefly take their hands in yours to say goodbye. But I don't really know what's flirting and what isn't from that lot. They seem more like the kinds of things I'd always want to do with close friends and partners, and I'd like to know what's the difference between flirting and displaying signs of intimacy.

There's TONS of info on the Web on flirting....it's a vast subject and there's no consensus on proper categories, threshoolds or boundaries. But take care - a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing.


To me there's hardly any such thing as an unattractive girl, so I'm nearly always aware of at least a slight romantic interest on my side.....I don't seem to feel that way when I've got a good relationship, but that could be repression for all I know. I've often resigned myself to an asexual friendships (it's often quite a relief to not have the complications of sexual bonding), but there have been problems down the line.......I don't normally try to limit the closeness of any friendship as long as it's good between us, and sometimes the ladies have gone rather weird when it hasn't got sexual, shut me out for a while, blown hot and cold.....and I suspect that I've put a strain on one or two of their legitimate partners who don't usually like their SO running arund with a special male friend. I've never understood why they haven't seen me off, but they've always been very politically correct to me.

I'm a perfect gentleman, I have a high IQ, I'm from a good family, I'm affectionate. What else could they want? I'm obviously doing something wrong. I never ever got a real date (the dates I had turned out to be friend stuff or they were lesbians)