Depressed - Need help

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I've had depression my entire life and was diagnosed with aspergers. I'm pretty high on the spectrum, and it's frusterating because I understand social cues better than most, but take things way too literally, don't take jokes well, take things too personally, and am very very sensitive. I am a caring person and show empathy....
I'm 23. Can I tell you about my life a bit?

I remember in grade school, or, kindergarden, one of the teachers said, "The 't' is silent." I took it literally. How can the letter 't' make a noise? Its a letter, its not real. But they just meant not to prounce the t. I struggle with that alot today too. The pain i feel is very real, but I often feel like I'm doing it for attention because that's what other people told me. I constantly need approval from others....I have suicuidal thoughts often, but know that won't fix the issue just make it worse. I feel trapped. I go to a therapy, but it is a huge struggle feeling this way all the time.

I remember relating alot to Albert Einstein as a kid. I don't know why. But there was something about him that inspired me...

I've never had a girlfriend in my life. Relationships are VERY dfificult for me, that is with the opposite sex. I've never kissed a girl, held her hand, etc. I was always fat as a teenager (14 and on, but I was thin as a kid) due to an online game addiction. I played this game since I was 12. It had its benefits....well one benefit. I got my typing speed from practicing so much up to 169 WPM with 98% accuracy. I was eligible to enter the semi-finals of the ultimate typing championship 2 years ago for a chance to go to SWSX and be on national news, as well as a shot of winning a 5K prize. But, I didn't answer my email.

I quit the game 3 months ago, and afraid i am relapsing. I miss it, and thin I might be able to (mistakenly) control it.
It's hard to find the drive to do anything. I go to my community center to socialize because I HAVE to get better. I ride 7.5 miles on my bicycle there (one way), in the 100+ degree heat, 2 or 3 times a week.

One thing as a kid, I was always very persistent and stubborn. If it was something I wanted, I'd do darn near anything to get it. I lost 95 lbs...my bodyfat was at 28.8% but now it's at 8%. (According to my omron BIA device, which I heard are not very accurate.). This is becoming an obsession too.. I feel terrible if I gain any weight, and although I don't starve myself, if I gain any weight, whether its water retention from salt or not, I feel I need to lose it.

I do magic and practice very hard. I would practice this one trick, a vanish with a silver coin, everyday, 3-6 hours a day, for over a year. I need to practice more, but have been feeling very depressed lately. I put in approximately 1,500 hours, but I quit counting. I want to become a world class coin magic magician (close up)..I Need 8,500 more hours to master it.

I am trying to list what I have accomplished here...to motivate me. Not as a selfish thing!

I always wanted to be liked by women, but they seemed to never care and always wanted to "just be friends.".I tried an online dating site, but all the women probably see "no job" and keep on moving. This angers me, and frusterates me. Are people really this shallow, to where if you do not have a job, jump to conculsions falsely about no income, no support, which may be completely fictional in its own right? Are people this selfish?

Sigh..

Kevin

Hi Kevin. I'm really sorry you're so depressed.

Can you see a doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist about it?

It sounds like you might be becoming anorexic. It's good you were able to reach your weight loss goal but bad that it's become a negative obsession.

It's also great that you're getting so great at doing magic. That is NOT an easy thing to do and I'm sure you're already way better than most at it. You seem like someone who works very hard toward goals and that's admirable.

As to never having had held hands/kissed/etc. - I hadn't either till last week. I thought it would never happen but it did. I had and still have body image issues and chalked it up to that but obviously my body image issues are just that, body image issues, a mental health disorder and not an actual barrier to being with someone romantically.

Things can get better. I think you really need to see a doctor and hopefully a specialist about your issues. Several specialists maybe. I myself just realized I should probably be seeing a therapist who specializes in Asperger's.

EDIT: also, lots if women as well as men don't care about jobs/income in a partner. I certainly don't.

EDIT #2: I realize now you said you go to therapy. Well I guess I suggest asking for a referral to a specialist in anorexia or body dysmorphic disorder, which it sounds like you may have (I say this cause I have it and you problem sounds similar) and probably Asperger's, if there are any specialists in your area. Also a psychiatrist could prescribe you antidepressants or some other medicine that could help.

Sometimes it's better to try to meet other people of the opposite sex with disabilities. My disabled partners have consistently treated me better and loved me more loyally than the regular men I dated. A disabled partner could be more likely to be tolerant of your own disabilities and not make a big deal out of them or of the fact you're not working. I recently married a physically disabled older man and I could not ask for a better or more loving husband, and he loves my weird personality as I am and does not think of me as less desirable for it.

Thank you for the warm welcome.

I do see a therapist, I actually had an incredible therapist who's daughter may have had aspergers, but she was a Ph.D student and wasn't there permanently, she left and I never saw her again

My therapist suggested I weigh myself weekly instead of daily, that way I'm more likely to see the "big picture". I won't stress on the little fluctuations.

I'm afraid to go to a specialist on aspergers. I've had a couple Dr's, say I do NOT have aspergers, I suppose because it is mild. But I definitely feel its effects. if I don't have an answer to my problem, and i'm not an aspie, I'm afraid I'll feel even more lost.

Note: Long post, so bear with me!

Panxiety: Panic attacks - wake up in a panic while sleeping/nightmares


Body Dismorphia Disorder(?)bigorexia/:After losing the weight, I still felt fat. I felt like if I lost the weight, women would actually be interested in me than always reject me by saying "I just want to be friends."... In fact what inspired it was a dream I had....I was on a stage doing my magic, and people were cheering at me and I was in really good shape. I was just tired of being fat.

I have certain 'passions' or intense interests....numismatics (Less on coin collecting but more on learning about the history of gold coinage, and counterfeit detection in US gold coinage), video games, and magic currently. It used to be, beanie babies, rocks (geology), and pokemon. Well, the weight loss was good, but I feel like I'm taking it too far. I want perfection. heck, I want definited abs. That was my goal. I got some loose skin from the weight loss. Not a large amount, but it sure seems like a big amount to me, others have said no otherwise. The whole thing became like my other interests, obsessive. I would weigh myself daily. Anytime I gained a lb, I would work like HECK to lose it, through a diet of about 1800 calories a day (balanced) and lots of excerise, and weight lifting. Even if I knew it could be something simple and not fat! That's what really pains me.

You see, everytime I lost weight. I felt good. So, I became addicted to that I guess. It was over a long time, 2 years. Because the loose skin mimics fat, it reinforces the fact that I look fat in my mind, while others say I don't.


Online game dependency:
Trying to get back to playing my game Gemstone IV....I am thinking if I limit myself to 2-2.5
hours a day I might be able to manage. My only concern is when a merchant (GameMaster) came
(which was probably once a month) I would be glued to the computer like nothing else. Sometimes
it's hard for me to seperate reality from fiction, in a sense, because the game feels so real. There are people (real people) I interact with.
I have friends in the game. Most of all, it feels like a place I can belong. People do not see me; I do not have to worry about that . I can be myself.
I do not feel comfortable in real life. But, in the game, I do. When I used to play it, the game meant more to me than life. (When I was severely addicted around 15 years old).
I didn't have many friends. No girlfriends. I felt like I could be in the game I couldn't be in real life. Someone important, someone able to help others, and a knowledgeable person
I'm wondering if these are all traits of an addiction. It sure seems like it...



Depression:
All of this anxiety and stress (caused probably from these problems above I am trying to fix)
is probably contributing (in my opinion) somewhat to my depression. I seem to be having
withdrawals from my Gemstone IV game. I have QUITE alot of stress taking my shirt off at the pool, although recently
I have beeen facing my fears and doing it. I noticed people do not notice hardly, but I still feel uncomfortable.
I dread when my dad comes home. I do not like to hear everything so negative. It's all I hear. I do not like to hear the arguments.
Usually I'm in my room when he comes home, so he doesn't stop by and say hi. But, he usually asks me sometimes how my day went.
And lately, he's also been saying "Love you too" back when I said this to him. This is a major step because except when I was a child, especially in my teenage years,
he very, very rarely said this. My mom would tell him to say it, but he felt uncomfortable I think.
I have alot of guilty about my actions. Of what I COULD have done, instead of what I have done. I ask myself often why I didn't act in a better way with my parents,
or, why I act around them so differently than other people. Sometimes I question my own self, not knowing who the real geniune me is , when I'm around my parents, or around others?
I do not want to be that person I am around my parents sometimes. I am too angry sometimes, too selfish, too stubborn.
I'm losing interest in everything....it's frusterating. I'm beginning to question whether I really enjoy magic or not anymore. Or is it from the depression?

I have been diagnosed with aspergers, mine is probably also borderline. Some things:

As a kid, when I was 3, my parents would take me to the playground. When I got to the playground, I didn't know what to do.

When I was in elementary school, I would go up to people and ask them (other kids) "Do you want to be my friend?". They'd tell me to go away. I didn't understand this.

When I was in pre school, I remember the teacher saying the 't' is silent. I didn't understand this. The letter 't' is just that, a letter. It doesn't speak. I didn't understand the metaphor. I am afraid to seek a specialize, if I do not have aspergers, I will feel lost. I will feel like I'm not related to you guys - and I feel like I fit in so well.

All throughout my life I had intense interests. It used to be rocks (geology), beanie babies, coin collecting (since age 6), magic, pogs, video games. I would learn EVERYTHING about it. I would sit and practice in my room for hours by myself. Another thing, and this happened often, but my parents would buy me something, like a really giant swing set, I would just not use it, it didn't interest me. I was only interested in my interests. My parents bought me a 'big boy's quad runner toy, and I refused to use it and always used the smaller one.