I think my spouse has Aspergers..

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Forgive me if this is the wrong spot to post this. I was hoping to gain insight from other spouses or those with Autism or Aspergers themselves.
I have been with my husband for nearly 6 years and I've always known he was... different. I didn't know how or what it was, but I just knew. I didn;'t even know there was something called Aspergers until recently when I was doing research on something. When I read the symptom list my jaw dropped and I thought "That's my husband". And.. if it is true, then it explains so much.

First, he talks in a monotone voice. In the 6 years I have known him I have never, i mean, NEVER, seen him get excited about anything. He does not talk a lot and if it wasn't for me asking normal social questions like "Hi honey, how was your day" our house would be silent. For years he would walk through the door and never say "Hello".. I was offended for a long time but I eventually realized he had no idea it was expected of him to greet people or say goodbye. After I told him he was like "Ok I will try to remember that".
He can't (or doesn't know how) to give an opinion or how to have a "BS" conversation. I might say "I think a pair of white curtains would go great in the kitchen, what do you think?".. and he gets really agitated and will say "I don't know anything about decorating I can't answer that". And he's dead serious. To me, I would expect an answer like "Yeah hun. that might look good"..
Once I made a comment on communism and he said "Well I've only read 4 books on that and I don't have enough knowledge to warrant a valid opinion"..

Like, trying to have ANY conversations with him is like pulling teeth. He is extremely truthful and I don't think he is capable of telling a lie.
He shows little to no affection towards me but I know he loves me.. and I love him dearly.

He is extremely quirky. He will not use switches or knobs to turn off/on electronics but will pull from the plug because "the plug will last longer"..

Also, he seems to lack common sense, or "street smarts".. but he can do amazing math in his head and he does engineering type work for a living.
Also, if someone asks what he does for a living he goes off on an hour long tangent about it .. and he goes way over peoples heads. I try not to be rude but I try to get him to change the subject because I can tell the people he is talking to are uncomfortable or need to go, or are extremely bored of what he is saying. But he has NO idea..
He also can't explain things in terms that "normal" people would understand. It's like he doesn't realize other people don't know these things..
He also will draw diagrams of the machines he uses during his explanations. Like.. he could probably go on forever.

Also, if the topic isn't about what he does for a living or one other hobby, he most likely won't say another word.

He also seems clumsy and it sometimes seems like he is tripping all over himself when he walks. Also, lately he has been complaining that people keep coming up to him and asking him if he's ok or if he is lost. He asked me WHY and I know he's always looked like that. He doesn't seem to be aware of his body language.

As a kid he got teased.. some kids asked him if he had a life and I don't think he had many friends. He also said kids would say he was going to be a serial killer and tease him.

It's all making sense to me know because I think he falls somewhere on the autism spectrum. At first I had no idea.. My mother said she had been wanting to say something to me for a long time but she didn't have the guts to.
Also, his parents talked to me a long time ago about his communications problems. They wanted to make sure he was communicating/talking to me.
It;'s all starting to make sense now.

I don't know if I could ever tell him. I don't think he realizes he is different and at the end of the day it doesn't matter. The man hasn't missed work in 10 years and is a hard worker. He is very intelligent, has an amazing memory (he can remember anything he reads), and he is obviously functioning fine other than social issues.

The only reason I am even trying to do research is so that I can better understand him and not to get hurt over some of the things he does that I don't understand. I know he does not have a DX but in my heart I really think this is what it is.

I don't know if it's a good idea or not to even bring it up. I don't want to because .. he's not broken.. so he doesn't need "fixing".. he is just different and I personally want to learn more about it so I can make our marriage better..

Also, I suppose some typical things I notice is that he doesn't "get it" when I tell a joke or humor. I always use to joke with him that I hope our daughter gets MY sense of humor and he doesn't get the connection.
Also, at some points during our marriage I have bawled my eyes out in front of him and he like walked right past me and went to bed. I asked him why and he said "He was tired" and I said.. "Did you not notice me crying?" and he would just say "Oh" and then immediately fall asleep and snore.
I could go on and on and on but just wanted to add.

Does anyone recommend any good books for spouses? (Again, not sure if anyone would be offended I am self-diagnosing my husband-- but I figure some advice or books on AS can't harm anything)

Some people with AS do, some people with AS don't. Most probably don't. However a lot of men speak in a monotone voice because they actually have a physically restricted vocal range.



Not being able to give an opinion is not a characteristic of AS. If a person with AS has an opinion on a matter, and is asked their opinion, they can more often than not give it, and frequently people with AS have been known to give unsolicited opinions.



However, many devices go through a shut down program initiated by the pressing of the power button and terminating the power via your husbands method can damage the system, depending on how it was designed.



I don't feel I lack street smarts....though I can't do math in my head. Many people with AS actually do very poorly at arithmetic and frequently have some form of dyscalculia. This is especially true for those who also meet the diagnostic criteria for NVLD, which until clinicians became sloppy in their diagnostic procedures, was essentially identical to AS.

If your husband is an engineer, I can promise you he does have some communication skills.



If they are bored or disinterested they should tell him themselves.



Why would someone speak about a subject they aren't interested in?



Perhaps he should ask the next person who approaches him assuming he's lost why they assumed that.



He might. He might not. He'd really need an adult autism assessment.



Most people towards the upper end of the spectrum know they are different.



That is fine, but I wonder, why did you choose the name "concernedwife" if you feel there is nothing to be concerned about?

He certainly sounds like he has quite a few Aspie traits, and could very well be one of us.

Good that you still love him after 6 years. A lot of partners can't cope with our apparent aloofness and lack of social airs and graces, etc.

It's quite a big thing to tell somebody you think they've got AS. But it might be better to try. A lot of Aspies go into denial when that happens, but if you just use a light touch and don't immediately press the issue if he seems resistant, he might listen and become interested. Things do get clearer for Aspies when they realise they're Aspies.

On the other hand, even if you never told him, you could still benefit from realising it yourself and - as you're already realising - clarifying to yourself why he is the way he is.

Yep, your husband is on the spectrum.

Congratulations for properly diagnosing him.

I can tell you I speak in a monotone voice myself (as if I'm that dead living skeleton that you see in my avatar). I have horrible communication skills that avoiding people after a time and being temporarily selectively mute is my way of relieving whatever anxiety I get from communicating with the "wrong" people at the "wrong" time. I naturally have bad balance, but I try to walk calmly in public as best as I can to avoid ridicule.

The affection part I can also relate to. I have never been able to express love to any of my loved ones the way they dream of it, but many of them have come to know that I do love them.

The honesty bit, I used to be like him myself. But f*ck honesty, it does more harm than good at times.

Chronos, take it easy. The symptoms are there. The dude is clearly on the spectrum.

This line made my day.

Thank you for posting here and thank you for being so supportive and understanding of your - most likely - Aspie husband. He's already an adult and sounds as if he is functioning just fine. Getting an adult dx can be difficult and unless he needs it to help support him in his job, a dx may be unnecessary. Finding out you are an Aspie after a lifetime can be both a relief and distressing. For me, it explained why I had the difficulties I've had all my life. But, the downside is that it can turn your entire perspective of how the world operates and how you've been operating in it on its head. It can be disorienting.

If you search through the posts here, you'll find a topic on, probably, everything you ever wanted to know; why he acts the way he acts, the explanations as to his lack of recognition in social situations, his quirks and perhaps some of his less endearing traits. And, if he becomes interested in his own possible dx, there are lots of resources here - and lots of people in the same exact boat as him.

Welcome! And thank you again for your supportive attitude. Finding that kind of loving support, even when its for someone else, always does a heart good...

What in my post implied any emotional agitation?

He should be evaluated by a professional with ample experience diagnosing adults.