Closure letter.

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I'll try to make this as brief as possible. Some of you already know this, but two years ago I dated a girl that I really liked for about a month...she dumped me...then I got obsessed...was doing anything I could to get her back, and when it wasn't working, was close to ODing on anti-depressants. We kind of ended on bad terms even when we were friends...got into a fight on the phone...never spoke to her again.

I tried contacting her 5 or 6 times over the course of a year on facebook and myspace (bad mistake I know...but I wasn't over her.)

Anyway, I was watching a 90210 episode just now where Emily gets obsessed with Brandon after he dumps her...and it reminded me (only she was worse) a lot like how I was...and how screwed I can be in relationships.

So I felt the need to write a closure letter to the girl (it's been over a year since I tried to contact her.) There really is no agenda here...we aren't a match, I don't want her back, just want to know that she doesn't think of me as some psycho.

So anyway, here's the letter and I'd like opinions on it.

I know I'm the last person you want to hear from, but this isn't what you think it is, don't worry.

I was watching an episode of 90210 where Brandon is dating a girl who screws up and he dumps her, and she gets obsessed with him...trying to guilt him into taking her back...calling her all the time (only she'd hang up)...in general, going crazy.

It reminded me of how I was after you ended things with me. And I just felt I owed you an apology. I was obsessed and suffocated you figuratively speaking.

You handled the situation well. You could have been a lot more blunt than you were.

I hope you realize that the way I acted...I really did like you. It wasn't just because you were the first girl to give me a chance or because you look good...I liked you as a person.

I handled things wrong, and I'm sorry if i ever freaked you out at any point. You were clear from the beginning that you just wanted to casually date...and I didn't listen. To be honest, when I do think about us on occasion, I think about the first few dates when we were getting along, and how you taught me more about being social.

I'm continuing to get help for my issues and face them head on (depression runs in my family on both sides which makes it difficult.)

I remember the last time we talked on the phone when you told me I'd be ok and that I'd been through worse. I really appreciated that.

I hope you've been doing well. The anniversary party for my parents went off great last year...we got catering from the italian kitchen and my band played there and my parents had no idea...complete surprise.

Maybe I'll see you at the reunion in thanksgiving, maybe I won't.

But I'm glad I knew you, and I'm glad that I experienced what I did (the good and bad) to prepare me for future dating situations.

I wish you nothing but luck, and just hope when my name pops into your head, that you think "I can't believe I dated that guy." I'd like to think that even if briefly, we had fun together.

Anyway, good luck with everything.

One last thing...when i sent those messages on facebook and myspace and the like...I was confused, kind of writing them for myself, wanting closure, not trying to manipulate you.

There is no agenda here other than to clear my head. I feel like I misrepresented myself toward the end with you and don't want your friendship, just your forgiveness.

I think it's a very nice letter. But more importantly, I think that you should give yourself a pat on the back for being capable of such self reflection and having the ability to recognize your mistakes and correct your perceptions.

The thing I'm not proud of is, (and of course I wouldn't mention this in the letter or to her if she responds)...I basically liked her because she was an attractive woman (and attractive to me more importantly...one of the most beautiful faces I've ever seen, celebrity or otherwise) that was "one of the guys"...didn't dress girly girly...acted like a woman of a lesser physical appearance.

That isn't love, or anything close. It's having a fetish for a particular type of woman. Yet, up until maybe January, I'd see her face in public everywhere I went. I thought about her (despite going for other women and being interested in other women.) When I was on dates with other women, I'd bring her up.

And like I said...we weren't a match. We found each other physically attractive and had a brief sympatico...but that isn't love or anything close.

I guess it's normal...men are drawn to beauty...but still. It took me over 2 years to realize everything I put down on that letter.

Another thing...I hope she doesn't see this as a manipulation tactic. I really am over her. We aren't a match. We disagreed a lot over stupid things. Mutual physical attraction and "tolerating" one another isn't the foundation of a relationship.

Would I like to hear back from her, and know that all is forgiven and that she doesn't think lowly of me? Of course. But nothing more than that.

I've written a letter like that before, and I didn't send it because I realized it was more about my feelings than hers and that it would just upset her.

I have too... and I did send it... several of them... but I finally realized I was just hurting myself. So, like yourself, I wrote them but didn't send them. It allowed me to vent my feelings without making myself vulnerable to her rejection over and over.

That was 24 years ago. I eventually moved on and have a very loving wife of 23 years who accepts me along with my aspie symptoms.

I wouldnt send it if i were you. In the therapy things Ive done where you write letters to people for 'closure' or theraputic benefits they always say to ceremonaly destroy the letter not send it.

Think to yourself, would you still feel closure if she responds very negatively or aggressively or will that set off your own bad feelings again?

No, it's not love, but it's certainly nothing you should hold against yourself. In fact it's rather normal. Attraction provides the substrate on which love grows. Most men are drawn to a woman initially because they are attracted to what they can immediately perceive of her. Everyone has a type they are attracted to. It's just that the external type doesn't always match up with the internal type.

I've thought of that possibility myself...and no, it wouldn't bother me. If anything it would be closure in itself that "Oh that's how she feels about me."

More likely though, I'm expecting (knowing her) no message back.

I don't think it's a good idea sending that. Sometimes you just have to let it go. Guys have ended with me probably thinking awful things and it's not worth it.

I have been on the receiving end of getting messages from men apologising for nothing and it gets annoying.

Yeah I regret it already.

I was in a similar situation to you back in 1996. The girl in question never returned my phone calls etc. so I started writing letters but then did the cliched thing and scrunched them up into the wastepaper basket, I eventually let it go.

In April 2011 (exactly 15 years later) this same girl (now living in Canada) found my work email from my old job (they forgot to remove my contact details).

She sent me a really long email explaining how sorry she was for what she put me through 15 years earlier. Unfortunately instead of addressing the issues she seemed to blame external factors and amazingly wanted my forgiveness. Women may appear not to have anything to say when they want to break up but maybe there is some guilt lurking away there that manifests at some point in the future.

BTW I deleted her email.

Looking back on it (and not surprisingly she didn't respond) I'm glad I wrote it because I concluded things on my terms. The last message I sent her in March or April of last year, it was a s*ck up message and hoping to get a response back. This was me saying what I had to say about the situation looking back on it two years later...and at least, even if she doesn't care (which she likely doesn't) she can at least see "He's matured" and know that I admitted my mistakes.

Writing letters is a good exercise regardless. But as many have said here, don't send them. usually the person you're writing to moved on a long time ago, and you're doing neither of you any favors by sending it. Write it, and then you have a choice. You can destroy the letter as an act of letting go, or if you're not ready to do that yet, keep it and read it every time you think about that person as a way of trying to figure out why you're still stuck on that person and if its really doing you any good or not.

Two weeks later, I regret sending it. It was a reactionary move.

On one hand, I'm glad I ended things on my own terms (as opposed to being blocked after sending harmless messages to her) and said what I had to say, fully expecting no response back, but saying what I wanted to say...on the other hand...I just think she doesn't give a sh*t. I'm a guy she dated for a month, knew for 4 or 5 months, and had a bad fallout with her.

For me, it was more than that...she was the first girl I dated or ever had an emotional connection with and went past making out with and I liked her a lot...but for her, she could probably read in the papers that I died in a tragic car accident and not care. (Not saying I want that to happen to me...just saying that that's probably her amount of indifference.)

One reason why I'm kind of glad I'm not currently in the dating game is that very thing....when you get close with someone, especially as an Aspie, you tend to obsess. I've thought about other women the past 2 years, sexually fantasized about countless women, real life and celebrities/porn pics...but no one has had my heart or even been heart worthy, and the one girl who was a prospect in January lasted 3 dates because she had a 2 year old and wasn't ever available (not her fault.)

It's weird really...emotion takes over logic with dating..actually dating someone...not liking someone from afar. That kind of scares me...the idea of meeting another girl and getting into all of that drama again (which is inevitable in most relationships.)

Just putting things in perspective, even a moderately attractive outgoing NT girl will probably get hundreds of NT males hitting on her in any given year. I'm estimating on an average day 2-3 NT males will casually chat with her and suggest keeping in touch by either offering a phone number or email address, or catch up later. If you detect there isn't an emotional attachment on her part then chances are she has other males on her mind.