who is more assertive on the whole, Aspies or NTs?

Post Reply New Topic

I've pondered this question and from my own experience, I believe that I am an assertive individual - I can balance that line between explosive aggression and total timidity, unless it's an uber-bully I'm dealing with.

I would actually say that NT's tend to be less assertive (and less confrontational) when it comes to REJECTION - especially rejection of those of us with Aspergers, like myself - they always do so in an oblique way, or pretend that you don't exist after repeated attempts to brush them away. I always found this to be an irrational behaviour, because the whole reason they are rejecting us (be it for job, friends, dating etc.) is because of our deficits in perceiving sentiments and reading between the lines, so they respond with more of the same to push us away! Remember the old Einstein quote (who himself was a highly suspected Aspie), "Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result."

We have all got the following oblique rejections at some point...

"Well, um, we'll see..."
"OK...that's interesting...well, I'll think about it and..."
"I really think that you might be happier if..."

...but I don't think that's really asserting oneself per se. Compared to the more honest Aspie response, anyway. However, I do find that Aspies are not assertive sometimes b/c they might feel that they are "rocking the boat" and always feel that they are walking on eggshells, that their relationships appear precarious b/c they're accustomed to rejection so it becomes a vicious circle of sorts. As for bullies, it took me a while to develop a proper assertive response. A few times, I tried the reply "I really feel belittled and put down when you make remarks like that." Which was exactly the objective of the bully!! ! So I resorted to the approach of saying "I really don't know what you hope to accomplish by doing such-and-such, I really don't." While shaking my head and taking a glance down then back up again. That in of itself is a "reading between the lines" response - the bully will sense that you don't literally mean that you don't know why they're acting the way they do (because you DO!!), but that you see them and their actions as pathetic.

I wouldn't say either.
Some Aspies are quite assertive, to the point of being considered aggressive or obnoxious,
and others retreat inside themselves, becoming deferential and desperate to be liked, constantly-paralyzed by fear of doing the "wrong" (Aspie) thing.

I would say they'd average out to a moderate baseline.

Assertiveness is a rather complex trait. At least to me it is not the same as just being aggressive. Aggressiveness can easily have negative results. An assertive person is someone that is able to get their way in a direct manner. This is a combination of knowing when to push and knowing when to back off. This type of subtlety escapes me. I invariably push to hard and appear overly aggressive or don't push when I should and miss opportunities.

yeh, I was always taught that there's a continuum, passive>assertive>aggressive, and that assertiveness was the good behaviour where you stand up for yourself but without undue force.

I've battled all my life against my upbringing....parents knew only total peace or total war with each other, so there was a lot of aggression there which they never explained. There simply was no assertiveness.

So I put a lot of effort into fixing myself. It's still difficult. I'd rather keep away from people who annoy me than walk up and challenge them. And if I'm angry, it's not easy for me to apply the right amount of welly.

Frankly I get the impression that my attempts at civilised behaviour are mostly pearls before swine......especially with sexual partners - they just don't seem to want to work things out in an adult way, and the more responsible I become, the more they seem to duck their own responsibilities. But I guess I've been too passive with them most of the time, so maybe I'm not really giving out pearls so much.

I'm usually a passive person and have never been good at assertiveness. On the few occasions that I've decided that I had to do or say something to defend myself, emotions have taken over. This results in either becoming a blubbering idiot or giving off aggressive vibes.

You can only be assertive if you know what it is you want. It also requires a knowledge of body language and social interaction. NTs tend to be better at it. I don't even know how this is a question. NTs are anyone outside of the spectrum. Since Aspies aren't very good at assertiveness, I wonder why people ask such ridiculous questions that they already know the answer to. Being genuine and being assertive are not the same thing. It helps, but it only matters if you are talking to someone that knows the difference between someone who cares and someone who doesn't care. Most people don't know.

Yes I agree that body language perception must come into the equation, and due to our Aspie "nonverbal dyslexia" this can be ambiguous, unless we really force ourselves to check signs and even then...I do know a couple of fundamentals such as, when/if the other person is upset & feeling strongly about something they say or criticize you on, they will be leaning forward with wider eyes and somewhat elevated voice - OR they might be looking down and away (45 degree angle) and talking at a low volume with slow speech. Think "I --- really --- think ----- it ---- would ---- be ---- better ---- IF (insert course of action contrary to your desires)."

In that last example above, if you feel that the statement is unfair and you have something at stake, the best reaction is to start with "I hear what you're saying, but (insert objective criteria) and so I would really find Action X preferable." I think Aspies tend to back off because they can't really gauge if it's going to escalate into yelling, whereas more NTs can read the warning signs (and NTs tend to handle people yelling at them better, because they know that the yelling is not predicated on a mental health issue which feels like a personal attack).

I'm not assertive at all.

Try to convince me of something else, when I have made up my mind!

Only a deep and extensive explanation which I can learn from as I understand the new logic would possibly work. But since I cant recall that this has ever happened, I would say Im assertive.

The thing is, that in a big deal of situations I dont have a need to make up my mind. I dont necessarily find an industrial area as an unpleasant place to have a picnic.

Kind of a paradox, this statement, considering that NTs say that we Aspies are rigid and inflexible!! !

wot he said

I would love to be more diplomatic and people smart, but come across as aggressive sometimes. I am ARIES!! tempered by hare or rabbit

Astrology is still relevant even to spectrumites

NTs of course.

depends. people change over time.

NTs seem to be more assertive to me. I'm not assertive at all.

I didn't think it was even close. I'm a pushover until I reach boiling point. Even then I often take it out on myself or any object in my vicinity. Luckily I don't get angry very easily. I don't think I know asserive. It's either passive or "loss of my senses" internal anger. No in between.

I think that Assertive/Aggressive/Passive is too much a makeup of personality to be consigned as a neurological difference. The difference is individual, rather than general.
People judge me on these traits VERY differently, depending on context. There have been many times people have been downright shocked that I stood up for myself.
I would say that neurobiological factors like autism have much less effect on assertiveness than say, culture or socialized gender expectations.