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ok heres a question for NT's

I have been having difficulty with a particular person and decided that I get taken advantage of because i try to be friendly. so i stoped caring.
Instead of tryingto go out of my way to be nice i treated this person like they treat me. When they were waiting for some thing from me i delayed as they had delayed. though their delay was months, mine was only a few days and the message was clear. I got the impression that they knew i was delaying on purpose and that it was to give them a tast of their own medicine.

Besides this, i stoped going out of my way to talk to them every time i saw them to try to be friendly, instead i only talked to them when they initiated, and didnt put in much effort. I'm fairly certain that they got the message. As conversation went down to a minimum.

so when i finally gave them what they wanted, they didn't complain at all as if to say they understood and possibly also understood that the relationship had changed to me not caring (as they need me more then i need them. also i am doing them a favour by engaging in business with them)

So this is all good. but when i gave them what they were waiting on they brought up another negative thing. I get this allot. Here I am doing a favor to them and get attitude and bit back a bit to get the message across and then they bring up another negative thing (that i do).

I don't get this at all. I wasn't expecting an apology but it would not have been out of order for them to apologize. But instead they try to open a new problem ? why ? why not just shut your mouth and walk away in shame. why have the need to try to have some stupid issue over me that is insignificant in the grand scheme of things ? especially when i am doing a huge favour to start off with. By ending the business relationship i will be in a better position and they know this. So why start up again ?

oh and another question .. is it ok to slap some one across the face? lol

Step 1; you got this part just right:

Buuut;




You're probably asking the wrong question here. NTs don't need to know why the other person did what they did, if the whole relationship serves the other and not the self, especially in business. Simply ask yourself why you are staying in this particular business relationship. Be honest with yourself about what your payoff is. (Hint: your payoff is not feeling like a nice guy, because you said you feel like a "taken advantage of" guy.)

Once you've identified your payoff, then you can decide if the payoff is worth your investment. This is an introspective process effective NTs use constantly. An introspective process which, once the real payoff is discovered; the result is self-assurance in interactions.




No. If ending the business relationship puts you in a better position, where does face slapping come in?

It's hard to be sure, but I suspect that the person felt resentful about the delay. However, criticising you would have sounded blatantly hypocritical because he(?) had previously behaved in the same way towards you. Therefore, he raised a different negative issue in order to have an excuse for expressing irritation.

If this person has been behaving discourteously towards you despite being dependent on your goodwill, he may be assuming that because you've tolerated his behaviour in the past, you will continue to do so. He may view you as passive or weak. If you wish to keep doing business with him, you may need to continue being more assertive (although remaining polite, and DEFINITELY not "slapping"!)

hmmm intresting, what you are suggesting is that bringing up a new negative is kind of an appology in it self it is brought up to excuse there behavior and in no way is there any weight behind it. so it is in no way a concern of there's? ...

so is ignoring them ok ? i really dont feel like caring as when i do i just get complaints it is not fun to try to do the whole small talk think.

I think that the fact that i am not good at small talk makes people assume im weak. is there any way to be week in small talk yet sho that i am not week in general ?

im finding that being a bastered is more and more the way to go, i try to be friendly as i do like people but it doesnt work anyways, if i was a bastered id be alot better off.

But being a bastered in it self is kinda hard but easyer then trying to be nice as ignoring is always an option or just saying no with no explination or space for negotiation..

well thanks for the advice

as for the slap... it may be socially unexceptable but i may start new trend i mean whats the worst that can happen ?

You could get arrested and go to jail. Then the person who you slapped might press charges.

But, yeah, jail time's cool with you, right?

It could also be about "winning". A lot of people need to feel like they won the exchange. Since you changed the conversation and gained some control over the relationship, the person in question may have brought up the new negative in order to reassert their perceived dominance.

The problem with this is that burning up energy trying to figure out these motivations isn't really useful. There are too many plausible explanations. In the end, what is important is if the business relationship brings something positive to you. As MountainLaurel pointed out, what is the payoff?

It's considered assault and battery in the US although it would likely be a misdemeanor.

The worst that can happen is that you get charged with assault. I honestly don't know what the penalty would ultimately be but it might involve jail so it is definately not worth the risk, no matter how angry you are.

The other worst that can happen is that the person hits back and then you wind up in a fight. The physical repercussions are that they may beat the crap out of you before somebody sees it and calls the police. The legal repercussions are that you will both be arrested. What happens then depends on who has the most plausible account of who started it. Gievn that you actually started it, lying that they hit first will probably not be believed.

Two very bad scenarios. Don't do it.



On to the rest of your posts.


In a business relationship, people don't do favors. They do business. If you have previously been giving away a product or service for free, stop. Don't do it after a long, long delay. Just don't do it unless you recieve the appropriate fee. Your relationship with this person should be entirely professional and should not involve doing anything as a favor or just to be nice. State the terms of the business arrangement (or put them in writing) and then stick to them.

ok I guess i now would be a good time to say that i was just kidding about the slap i know im not an NT but i do get that it is wrong,, no mater how tempting it is lol.

and as for the "favor" It is profitable for me but If i were to change clients it would be a bit more profitable along with other benefits but there is always the risk that i would get a bad client. This is a risk I really don't mind taking as i know worst case scenario i can offer them the same deal and they will jump on it.

it is not a huge source of income for me so really it doesn't matter just would be some work to get a new client but defiantly doable. Either way I will get rid of them within a year just when its more convenient for me.

as for the reasons of their behavior so far I am getting 2 reasons,

1, they are bringing up a new issue so as to explain their behavior (which i dought)
2. they realize they lost control and are trying to regain some control.
or many other possible reasons

i am guessing the second one
but the funny thing is that they know that they have no power and at anytime i can make changes that will only effect them negatively, If i were in there shoes i would just be very agreeable (which doesn't usually work)

so they know they have no power, yet they try to regain some sence of power even though we both know it is lousy attempt. By them bringing up something so stupid (that I am not supposed to do in the first place)
just makes them look even weaker. By saying that, they risk me saying, it is not my job and they can figure it out.

As soon as i say its not my job things usually go down hill in these types of situations,

its like they are asking for me to say it.

and usually when i respond like that in business the other party bites back and i get pissed and burn the connection,

why would they be pushing me to that limit ? it seems like a test of some sorts but the risk involved on their end is too big.

The situation is dealt with,
i just told them i was too busy without a ounce of remorse
and then they said your not busy,
i just said yes i am and they said it seemed like i had time
and i said no im working.

so they kind still pushed but i stood my ground, this is a new level attitude form me that i hope makes them realize im just gonna do what i want to do. (even though im sure they will start up again)

this type of situation arises in all aspects of my what i do with different types of business relations.
I imagine i am too nice to start off with cause i know i have social limitations and may not be the funnest person to work with (which is an important aspect to business that you enjoy your partners) so i make up for it by being agreeable.

this being agreeable always leads to problems of people wanting more and giving off the impression that they really truely believe they deserve more.

Now in this perticular situation that is not important to me and more of a learning situation what shoudl i do.

I have another issue with them i want to bring up, one that i would normally let go or bring up just for sake that i must say something to acknowledge that i noticed even though it was clearly noticeable.

what happened is that some of my stuff was moved and not treated with respect, it was stuff that was old not used and pretty much garbage, but i kept it there just cause i can,
this stuff was moved and cause of it being moved it during a clean up it ended up in the garbage,

the stuff may have been moved on purpose knowing that it may go in the garbage,

i noticed it moved and knew that it may end up in the garbage but did not move it back,

what should i do ?

it is techinically not their fault it went in the garbage,

just bringing it up will get a response like "i don't know what happened to it" or i told you some one would take it if you left there ect.

To me i see it as move on their end. as they know i probably wont say anything they did it to either show that they have control over the area, or to reconfirm that i am socially weak and incapable to react or react in a way that i don not loose my temper (which i have not yet done as i know everything will end right there and then) (which is just a bit of incovinience for me at this time)

this situation (if i were on the other end) would defiantly result in some words and a reestablishment of some rules.

for me it is usually just a headache id rather avoid and let grow to a point that i get pissed off,

i would like to re establish their boundaries in a light and friendly way so as to learn how to deal with others, how can i do so?

im afraid confronting the situation will lead to them saying it wasnt them that through it out or that i should of put it back,
this will again put me in a spot where i will have to be agressive and once that door opens it is hard to shut. often people feel like they must revenge it disregarding that i am in the right. (which is a phenomenon i just never get some one does a favour, the other party takes advantage, i dont say anything, they take more advantage and then i they cross i line so i start to react and they act like they have the power and i get angry and do something to put them in their place and all of a sudden you have some one that has never been revengeful start to take revenge)

i guess i am doing some thing terribly wrong for non revengeful people to get some upset that they take revenge.

is it that i am too soft and then i become tuff that gets them so upset ?
to me i am simply expressing the rules and showing them that they have been getting a good deal. they may assume that i am ending things bit i am not i am simply laying down some rules late in the game as their behavior has come to a point where the negative is starting to get to me.

i can put some other stuff there without saying anything

i can ask what happened to the stuff to which they will say they don't know (they moved it while cleaning)

i can ask them why they moved it (because it was moved a while ago and i had time to move it back along with the fact that the whole situation was easlily avoidable by me by just moving it back) they will say it was a while ago or why didnt you move it back ect.

i can make a big fuss and say that i just noticed that my (worthless) stuff was stolen and mention calling the cops and act like i didnt know it had anything to do with them.

i can get royally pissed off, every time they open there mouth in their defense will just give me more things to get pissed about bringing out everything causing a break in the relationship from friends to strangers and now to enemies.

in general, i don't react when people bend the rules in their favor to make up for my social problems. also i avoid conflict as i cant lightly express my point.
somehow instead of appreciating that i am allowing them to break the rules so long as it doesn't impact me negatively. they see my kindness as a green light to do as they please.

Im not sure if i can learn to deal with conflict. it seems alot like trying to do small talk. i know exactly what to say once im alone. but during the conversation i cant think fast enough . when im alone i can see how obserd the whole thing is and how right i am and how wrong they are,
even after playing a whole conversation in my head i see the person and i freeze up or i say some thing and they reply and if that reply hasn't been rehearsed in my head i am lost. and even if it has been rehearsed i may hesitate or forget what i am supposed to say. Or when i see them they are nice and i feel bad saying some thing negative to hinder the relationship... usually a combo of these things.

yet when people do it to me for stuff that is so small that i dont even notice i am surprised they would bring up small things like that.

yesturday i saw some one asking a his neighbor if they could trim his hedge or some thing like that , the old man was so grumpy and said no for all sorts of reasons while the others were working so hard on fixing up their yard to make it better. he said you do all this work and its not worth it ect,,

clearly having them trim his hedge would be a positive thing but he just kept saying no in a grumpy way that no logic would change his mind.
i wish i was old and grumpy,
but how can one be like to there neighbor ? this would create resentment at home or near home?

my neighbors a nice guy, i wouldnt want to be like that with him. he is not the type to pressure some one and not a controll type of person , more like me, but im sure if im nice to him he will slowly start to ask for things and use logic (that is good for both of us) to get it , and from there he may try to ask for things that are only good for him...

i share a small property with some one right down the middle is the ugliest lilac or lilly tree right in the center and it just grows and grows since we share the porperty when i cut the grass i cut their side too (its so small a property) and when their kids cut the grass they only cut their side? im hesitating asking them if i shoud remove the tree as i know they will say no as it does not bother them and therefore has no benefit to them if i cut it so they will say no. probably cause i would just ask them and not first preform the small talk..

seems like small talk is the key to all this, in order to be a bit aggressive, i think you first have to be a bit nice and have some small talk and then lightly bring up the topic and cause you started of nice you now are allowed to confront and go back to nice.

i dont know obviously im just ranting here sorry about my punctuation and typos ect,, its just interesting how powerful small talk is and when you cant do it your options are to keep your mouth shut or come across as such a terrible guy that healthy NT's that are typically non confrontational or non revengeful become revengeful.

and why do people piss me off about some thing stupid when they know that i hold a key that if i use will make there situation worse? do they assume that they can be revengeful and that i will not take that key away from them ?

Should i stop being nice, i notice that people that aren't nice are respected more, then again they can small talk and are fun to be around so they have a positive that out weighs the negative,

if i stop being nice, no one will like me , not that being nice to some one that wasn't my friend to start off with lead to a new friend.

im fully ready to stop being nice to new people should i?

ok thats my post , i probably have 3 conclusions each that led to a new topic but hey that me , editing is for nice people and im trying to be less nice (also editing takes 3 times longer then my ruff work) any help or options on how to deal with people taking advantage would be apprecited keep in mind that i cant do small talk smoothing things over.

He's joking, people.

Your situation is confusing without the specifics, but if you feel like you're being taken advantage of in a business situation, the best solution (if the other person is trying to drag your business relationship out) is to tell them they might be better served by going elsewhere. Why subject yourself to additional headaches and drama? I'm pretty flexible with pride and "saving face" when it comes to making my life less complicated if I have the power to change things.

If I were in the situation I imagine you're in, I'd say something along the lines of "A good working or business relationship requires a certain level of communication, and I feel like I'm letting you down in that regard. There are several other places nearby that specialize in this sort of thing, and I feel confident and comfortable that you will get what you're looking for with one of these other businesses." Express it in a way that sounds like you've failed them. Regardless of whether you consider this person a friend or a customer, you swallow your pride, tell the other person that you're not equipped to handle their unique needs, and send them out the door.

A little "spin" and everyone gets what they want. The customer/friend gets to feel like they "won", and you absolve yourself from having any further responsibility to them. Chances are, if they're in the wrong, another business will set them straight right away. At that point, that customer/friend will be someone else's problem and you can rest easy.

From what I've read, it sound's like your "friend" would be a difficult person for anyone to work with, and the simplest solution would be to hand them to someone else. Sometimes victory isn't in figuring out who was "right" or who was "wrong";. Sometimes the real victory is in watching the door slam behind them as they take their problems elsewhere.

Most people are pretty reasonable, it sounds like your friend is not. Cut your losses, at least on a professional level.