What am I?

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When I was a baby (according to my baby book) I was affectionate with my mother off and on. Sometimes for a few months, then nothing. I would stare at pictures and mobiles for a long time. I would play with my truck for hours. I played with the phonograph for hours, fascinated by the sounds and the mechanism. I was fascinated by water. I played by myself. I was "in my own world" as my mother said. I would only eat a cookie if it were perfectly round, otherwise I'd have a fit. I loved the feeling of sticking my finger in the electric socket, which I would do over and over again. I remember doing this when I was about one year old.

Today I am a public figure in my community, a great speaker, very charismatic, able to make eye contact and work a room. I can read body language. I love my solitude and tire easily. Yet I'm no longer awkward. I have no special gifts of memory or synesthesia. I still don't have Theory of Mind. But I don't really think I have too much sensory overwhelm. I feel things very deeply, but I push myself and get by. I've never had a meltdown.

What am I? I got my diagnosis from a man who grants diagnoses to everyone. What am I? Who am I? Am I in the wrong place? No one believes me when I say, "I'm an Aspie." They laugh.

Do you feel aspie?

You're a person. Do you need a label?

Perhaps your brain has learned to handle things in a more mature way.
You could try looking at yourself from within. Compare.

http://insideperspectives.wordpress.com/

If you were diabetic, but had it under control, would you need a label?

What does that mean?

I got the impression from your op that you might be uncertain as to the validity of your dx cos your diagnostician hands out aspie dx's to anyone.

So my question was to ask how aspie you feel. Does the aspie psych model fit you, and to what extent?

Doofy...how would I know? I only know myself. Sure, the descriptions match. But so what? I can't imagine anyone being too different from me. How could I know what Aspie-ness feels like?

Are you ok? It sounds like a pod person took over your head!

Aren't you the guy who is always saying you're proud to be Aspie and trying to escape to be alone?

seriously, I hope your meds aren't getting to you or anything.

Perhaps easier to ask if you feel NT?

You answered your own question. You're an aspie but you have it under control.

Ok, I'll tell you.

I've been "assigned" a therapist for six months. I have no choice but to see him. I was assigned to him by my employer, because I was having anxiety meltdowns and I had to receive treatment, and my employer provided him. So anyway, again and again, he laughs, "You're not an Aspie." And then he goes on and on with his narcissistic wound stuff. He says the MMPI showed that I'm a narcissist with schizoid features. That confused me. I never thought I was a narcissist, but he's convinced. That's what the test showed. Yesterday he dug into me big time about this Asperger's thing: "No!" he said. Lord, Jesus, I left him more confused than ever.

Then I thought to myself: How can I be an Aspie? I can shop at the store. I can drive. I can tie my shoes. I get to work on time. I can force myself to make small talk. I can get up in the morning. Alright, I will admit that some days I find it almost impossible to brush my teeth or get into my car. Getting my license renewed felt like Mt. Everest, but I did it. I chalk that up to my depression. But I'm so high functioning, how can I be an Aspie? I speak to at least 1000 people once a week without a hint of anxiety. How many Aspies do that?

I would be proud to be an Aspie -- if indeed I were. But . . . . look, I just don't know, guys. I can't figure out these "experts" making pronouncements over me. Probably you can't tell me much either. And I don't want to be "histrionic" about this. Geez, I wish there were a simple blood test for crying out loud.

Lots of us learn to do that stuff. I learned to do radio remote broadcasts and do live breaks on-air standing in front of a live audience. I never learned to like it. And there were huge differences between my "being able" to do it and the neurotypical types who were actually good at it. I was much more capable in a closed studio, but I knew NT guys who were regular Carneys in front of a live audience.




Yeah, so you know if someone's arms are crossed they're probably mad and if they sit with their legs crossed away from you, they're establishing a barrier, big whup. We learn stuff as we grow up that we didn't 'get' when we were autistic kids. Can you tell from a facial expression when the person you're talking to is silently signalling to others in the room that you're annoying them? Are you sure?

If you don't have 'Theory of Mind' then you probably can't and if you think you can it's probably because you're misreading them and fooling yourself, because lack of Theory of Mind means just that - 'lousy at telling what others may be thinking.' Same thing applies to being awkward. You may have developed enough coping mechanisms to cover the traits you recognize as awkward, but without Theory of Mind, how can you be certain you're not doing things others perceive as awkward without realizing it?



Could be. I know I'm not completely 'overwhelmed' by sensory issues too often, not that I'm not aware of the hyper-stimulation, I certainly notice it when I have to go into a noisy or crowded environment and it does throw off my ability to think clearly and immediately elevates my anxiety levels, but most of the time, I can cope well enough to say, do my grocery shopping and get the hell outta there, without collapsing like a bunch of wet noodles and trembling in a fetal position of the floor. OTOH, if someone tries to unexpectedly engage me in small talk at a moment like that, my conversation will be monosyllabic at best. In other words, the act of "pushing through" doesn't mean I'm not having issues, it just means it's taking a concerted effort to do that "pushing."

The times when it all becomes overwhelming are when somebody is pushing me. I can muddle through most of the everyday sensory stuff, but when you pile emotional pressure and bullying aggression on top of that, that's when the steam begins to rise and the top is in danger of blowing off. Most (if not all) of my 'meltdown' type incidents have been the result of external human triggers. If sensory stuff bothers me that much, I will simply extract myself from the place where the sensory stuff is. @$$holes, on the other hand, have an annoying tendency to follow you around.

In any case, the point being that it's possible to have autistic tendencies that you don't even normally identify as autistic issues because you're so used to dealing with them and have developed such sophisticated coping mechanisms that they've become buried. That's what High Functioning means, being able to function (nominally) in spite of a disability by 'pushing through' it.

It's also possible to have autistic behaviors that are very noticeable and appear quite quirky and odd to others, that seem so routine and practical to you, that you don't realize they look strange to others - who will not tell you that your behavior seems odd, but will talk about it behind your back, often in amusement.

Anyway, I'm not trying to convince you either way, just pointing out possibilities.

bare with me i have trouble explaining things

i think, theres a huge difference between displaying autistic behaviour and feeling autistic, a neurotypical can act autistic and not know it, but the wiring in the brain is that of someone with autism, a well adapted person with autism can act neurotypical but still think and feel like someone with autism. i have adapted to learn facial expressions, (sad, angry, happy, annoyed) and also learned to not talk about my special interest, but i can have a hard time relating to others because my mind works so differently than others. even my sister is different compared to me.

also, the spectrum is huge, 1 in 88 children are diagnosed with autism, so its impossible to be the same, some kids cant stand to be touched, but others with hug people without warning. i say: as long as your brain is autistic, it doesnt matter how you behave, all that matters is if you understand it,

Well, I guess aspies can learn to do these things.

I traveled to Europe 12 months ago, by myself, studied at a university in the Netherlands and made hundreds of international friends. I will soon be leaving to go back to Australia. By the way you are defining autistic capabilities, then I shouldn't be autistic either?

I'm a strong believer that in some situations, aspies can learn to control their social symptoms. This is probably something you have done?

interacting with groups/public speaking/etc should not be a reason to discount the diagnosis. what is it you are interacting about - one of your specific interests? This just puts your "little professor" on display for a wide range of people. "reading body language" is - I am given to understand - a trait that can be learned. So can interpretation of a person's phenotype, as observed at a distance (this is not body language, it is something mentalists, magicians, politicians, and the like teach themselves to do).

I'm not saying don't look into the shrink's idea of narcissistic and see if it fits, but don't discount the AS diagnosis simply because you can put yourself up and perform a magic act (or whatever the topic/presentation you do might be).