When do you enter a conversation I'm confused!

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I tend to butt in when people are talking. I just HAVE to say what's on my mind since it's usually on the tip of my tongue and I feel I HAVE to get it out. Once a few months ago dad wanted me to find something online and I did. I was so excited OMG! I found X I ran to tell him but mom/dad were talking he called me a RUDE b***h! Constantly in the truck (going somewhere) mom/dad are talking and they pause so I assume they are done so I start to talk and they huff puff since I interrrupted and they weren't done talking. IMO I take "pause" as you stopped and the conversation is over. I don't understand why NTs pause. Does anyone else have this issue and any info. on the "pause" behavior of NTs it confuses me. Thanks.

i've been there done that many many times.

it's almost like you need to sense the rhythm of the conversation.

some conversations have long pauses, but that is because the other person is mulling over their answer.

you have to listen to the words very carefully.


if all else fails, just don't talk to them until they speak to you.

Yes, you have got to find the 'rhythm' of the conversation, that is important. It's a bit like playing a game, tap the right buttons at the right time and you've won the game. Well in this case gotten a discussion going

I do that too. It's so hard to sense the timing of conversations when people mess about with it all the time!

I have the same problem...I dont understand the pause either. Of course him giving you a project and then when you report back the results...he calles you a rude b***h?! !?
What?? That is really uncalled for and rather selfish. With people who treat me like that, I give them the silent treatment and avoid them untill they realize what a jerk they were and makes amends. My longest lasting silent treatment was 5 years...Thats how long it took my dad to realize that he was being a jerk with me, but he was alot more dense than most people when it comes to admitting fault. Most the time, it takes 1 week to 2 months...and you will be amazed at how well it works. Of course, I do that because if someone is going to hurt me then I am going to avoid them untill they get their head out of their @ss. I am not going to stick around and give them oppertunity to hurt me again untill they realize what they have done is wrong.

There's a lot of reasons why people pause in conversation, and I would suspect the primary reason is to process what has either been said by the other person, and giving the speaker a chance to think and formulate a response. If the conversation is related to problem solving, then there may be quite a few pauses while both people try to come up with a solution that works for both people. If the conversation is about something stressful, then the pause may simply be an emotional break.

If two people are discussing household budget problems, or trying to schedule an unanticipated event into an already busy routine, it may not be easy to take a moment to quietly think about solutions if someone interrupts that train of thought by beginning a completely unrelated topic.

It's less about rhythm than it is about context. Two people talking chitchatting about something of little importance who have run out of things to say may welcome an interruption from a third party. Two people discussing something intimate, very personal, or very important, may find that same interruption an obstacle to reaching a solution or compromise.

Saying "I need to tell you something. Is this a good time?" or "Let me know when it's convenient to discuss X." and then giving the person some space to finish the other conversation is probably the best way to handle this situation. Don't stand around waiting for the two people to finish their conversation, give them a reasonable amount of privacy, so if they're discussing something personal, they don't feel rushed or pressured to end that conversation.

In this case I don't think the issue is how can you know when not to interrupt someone, but how in the hell could a father call his daughter a "b***h"??? No matter what the circumstances are that is extremely inappropriate especially for a father to call his daughter that kind of name. Wow!

^^^ It happens. We all do it because it's hard to see when day to day smalltalk is 'important' and not to be interrupted (like it ever is? Psh). The real issue is the reaction you got, which was not acceptable.

Rats. I was going to take a break from the forums for a couple of days, then bumped into this, and I can't help myself. You'll see why.

I've lived in my apartment complex for six years now. I didn't really socialize much with anyone here after the first year because of a lot of "issues" that I won't get into. Recently, I got a part time job through a neighbor here a few doors down. I hadn't mad much contact with him before that, but shortly after I started hanging out with him, and one other guy who also works with us. Just to make this easier to read, I'll call my boss "Sam" and the other guy, John.

Sam and John like to sit around a little table outside and chit-chat late evenings. Some others from the complex sometimes drift over and stick around for a while. There's a lot of little kids around, many of whom belong to the people there. As you can imagine, it's quite a complex and chaotic social situation. The reason I started becoming part of it all is because Sam would call me over to check if I was available for work. It wasn't long before I was invited to join them.

Well John loves to tell stories about events in his past. John as this habit of making looooooong pauses in the middle of his stories. I mean LONG! When I first heard him telling a story and he paused, I thought he was finished. It seemed like an odd place to finish, but I've been around a lot of different people, and I've known some who would just stop right in the middle of the story. Maybe it was ADHD, I don't know.

Anyway, I've kind of learned over time how to tell whether John is finished with his story or not. What it took was a lot of practice listening to him. At my age I have also learned a different skill that helps a lot, and that is not to be to concerned about if I think of something to say, but by the time I have the opportunity to say it, I've forgotten what it was.

John is an extreme case when it comes to pausing. Most people do not pause that long. Either way I've found the only way I've ever been able to tell when it's appropriate, and when it isn't, to interject, takes a lot of practice, and more importantly it takes a lot of listening in order to learn every different individual's speech pace. When I first meet people, I don't talk to much to them. I just listen to them, and learn about them.

It's a hell of a lot different with family though. I think you kind of have to force yourself to do this with family because it's so easy to assume you already know their speech pacing. And maybe you do! Because the other hazard you run into with family is that there ALWAYS seems to be underlying "issues" playing into the dynamics of conversations.

I'm not about to excuse your father calling you a b***h. That's just stupid. But people do stupid things. Zeldapsych, I've seen enough of your postings here involving the dynamics between you and your parents. There's some really not good issues going on there, and to tell you the truth, it sounds to me like a lot of those issues are not yours, but your parent's. My intention from there isn't to lay blame tough. I really don't think that helps. My intention is just to see if there might be something you can do to avoid these situations by trying to figure out what's really going on. So try not to take any of this personally.

Is it possible at all that you have a history of interrupting, as a child? I know my own kids interrupted us a lot more when they were younger, and it led to a lot of unfortunate incidents, during some of which I know I said some things to them I wish now I had never said. My kids are all Autistic. When they were really young, I knew one of them was, but didn't understand how it affected him. I didn't understand that their habit of interrupting was part of their Autism. I also didn't realize I was Autistic too, and that caused me to hate being interrupted with a passion. Combine my need and their incessant need to get our thoughts out there before we forget them, and it's a recipe for disaster.

I think you know as well as most of us do that AS can and does often run in families. I think you've even questioned yourself as to whether your father might be AS as well, but I'm not sure. If he is, it would explain why the dynamics between you and him sound so much like the dynamics between me and my kids in years past. It's a bit different now in our situation, because my wife and I know all of them, AND I, are all Autistic. Even though we know now why we tend to get into these situations, it doesn't prevent them all. We still have problems sometimes, but knowing why does help diffuse situations when things go South, much quicker than when we didn't understand the Autistic factor.

In your situation, I think it certainly doesn't help that your father at least, doesn't seem to take your Autism seriously, or at least hasn't tried very hard to understand it. If that's true, I wouldn't be surprised if there's some harboring of resentment on your part. If that's true, that underlying resentment is bound to affect how you choose to interject into their conversations. The way it might be affecting probably isn't conscious, and might be coming from something a bit subtler than a conscious or subconscious choice to interrupt.

I'm going by the fact that you have seemed to admit that you don't know when it's appropriate to interject. Is it because you're ONLY listening for the pauses, and not necessarily really paying attention to the actual conversation? If so, I can certainly understand why. If they don't take your condition seriously, you're living under a constant assumption that your Autistic actions are deliberate, and not something over which you really have little control. Why would you want to pay attention to anyone who won't take you seriously? I can understand how that "dynamic" might develop.

"What do I care what he hell they're talking about? They don't care about me, so why should I care what they're saying?"

That could lead to doing nothing more than listening for breaks in the conversation. The problem is, determining whether interjection timing is appropriate requires so much more than that. The hardest part of it is actually listening to conversations in an engaged manner. Not necessarily in that you're part of the conversation, but that you're actually following it. If you're following it, and really paying attention, it's easier to tell that certain thoughts have not been completed, or that certain parts of the dialogue have been left out, and probably are waiting to be filled in.

But there's another dynamic, that you can't control. My mom was a not only a extremely fast talker, she was also engaged in long monologues. Her mind ran so fast, she'd have an entire speech written in her head by the time I was finished talking, as a response to whatever I was saying. Trouble is, she was also one of those people who aren't every really LISTENING to you, but thinking of what they are going to say next while you are talking. Sounds kind of Autistic, doesn't it?

The simple FACT is, there was NO other way to interject with her without interrupting.

Anyway, I don't know if ANY of this will help. Conversing is an art though, not a science. So you can't really break it down into a set of rules that will always work. It takes getting to know people individually, by listening first and talking later. Use the two ears one mouth rule. I think you know what that is. And remember that it's always far more difficult with family, especially with members who have their own issues.

I also have trouble figuring out those tricky pauses (and other aspects of conversations which often leads me not to want to add anything at all). I think it is TERRIBLE that your own father would call you something so awful. Shame on him! That is far more rude than an interruption, particularly since you have autism and can be unsure of certain social rules.

Thanks Mr. XxX. Yes my parents don't understand my Autism sadly. I also listen for the pause so I can get in my say on whatever was IMO amazing and interesting to me (some special interest article usually). Sunday morning while at my sisters house I found myself planning EVERY SINGLE QUESTION IN MY HEAD and whether my Brother In-Law might give a nice/mean response luckily he isn't as mean/rude as my parents so both questions ended in a nice response. I understand though from that experience how being around others is tireing having to plan conversations and what the outcome may be. It made me think perhaps I need to take that approach with my parents I'm not quite sure. Thanks though.