Tips on how to confront people

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I have always been afraid of fighting or arguing with people. I always have the feeling that if I argue with someone, whatever I say will make things worse because it will either sound stupid, or I'll sound too fearful to get the respect I want. Fortunately, I work alone, and I go to the movies alone, etc, etc, so I rarely encounter people looking for trouble, but there are always idiots out there who like annoying others, like panhandlers, crack addicts who insult you if you don't give them any money, idiots who may laugh at you even though you aren't exactly a comedian, people who ignore the line and just walk past everyone. It bothers me that most of the time, I do nothing to stop these idiots.

But what makes me feel better is that most people seem to do nothing to stop them either and even show more signs of anxiety than I when confronted with people who are stressing them out.
So here are my tips on how to avoid becoming a bully-victim or looking fearful while confronting someone:

(1) It is not just you. Bullies, cum-artists, morons can come after anyone.
(2) Look at the problem-person in the eyes. Don't lower your head or move your body too much to let the person know you are anxious.
(3) Don't raise your voice or scream. This can turn an argument into a fist-fight
(4) Don't talk too low
(5) Keep the voice firm. Don't talk too much, since the more you talk, the more likely it is for your voice to shake.
(6) if there are people around, and they don't do anything either, don't be a hero.
(7) Martial arts are crap. Black belts don't dodge bullets or avoid getting arrested for beating someone to a pulp.
(8) People with strong egos, like psychopaths and narcissists, are almost immune to insults, so don't bother. If there's any other way to get rid of them, like calling the police, use it.
(9) Find allies. See #1
(10) Don't ever use the phone, the web, or mail to get even with someone. You will like the feeling you get from being able to get even with someone without having to worry about the consequences, but this
is an illusion.
(11) If someone is trying to pick on you, and another person says, "Aren't you going to do anything about it?" or "I would punch him if I were you.", remember, that person is probably in on it.

Not entirely true, these people choose victims for reasons. Being self possessed, confident and looking like you know how to handle your business discourages a lot of nonsense. If you meet a lot of bullies, I'd take a martial arts class, perhaps Aikido, not so you can kick people's butts, but so you can learn to embody the qualities listed above.



Martial arts aren't crap. See what I wrote for (1) AIkido is a good one as it's pretty non violent. The idea is to prevent harm rather than assaulting people. I think that very macho and aggressive martial arts that encourage fighting are probably a bad idea.



You don't necessarily have to be a psycho to have a 'strong' or 'healthy' ego, and be immune from insults.



Or they just want to cause trouble/create drama.

(12) Observe your internal states, relax, breathe easily, this will make any action you choose to take when confronting someone go more smoothly/effectively, and hopefully you can avoid an emotional reaction you may regret.

I'd rather take Jiu-Jit-Su, really.

It is something you need just to be sure that in case of a physical confrontation, you might be able to defend yourself. But I doubt that against a knife or a gun, it'd be useful at all. Then again, most arguments and fights don't end up in drive-by shootings.

it is one thing to intend to be calm during a crisis, but when the crisis happens, it is all too easy for that good intention to go out the window at the first opportunity. how does one maintain presense of mind at such times? why do i always fail the test?why can't i just learn to be brave when necessary, why does this never stick?

I would love to learn Aikido but I don't know where to begin. My father taught an unarmed self defense class for law enforcement that was based on Aikido and used Aikido moves but he and I are awkward together and he is a not a good teacher (for me).

I used to be really bad at this as well, preferring to back down and be pushed to be the background, but as suggested by others, martial arts helped me out a lot, gave me a bit more courage to stand up for myself, helped me remain calm in bad places, and since people were all that I've ever been afraid of, I slowly got to the point where now I basically have no fear and feel like I can take on anything unflinchingly.

Military training took it a step further from there, but martial arts and general physical fitness is definitely a good starting point - Teaches you to control yourself, gives you more self confidence. My sensei ended up helping me a hell of a lot with eye contact as well.


Also, RE: I think that very macho and aggressive martial arts that encourage fighting are probably a bad idea.

Any training center or sensei that encourages you to start fights out in the street, LEAVE, immediately. But alternatively, any that does NOT encourage free sparring in a safe environment (I.E. A mat) is also not a good place to advance your skills. You can practice ad nauseum, but until you can practice in real time against an opponent, you can never really know or trust your abilities.

If you do take the martial arts route be wary of McDojos that charge you money, advance you quickly, and don't really teach you anything.

Go to a class where your dad isn't the instructor?

That's good news, Ikonovich, thanks for sharing!

I tend to be a very confrontational person, but since I don't now how to manage it, I just do my damnedest to keep my mouth shut. I think your list is good, but you also need to include "just walk away."

A good martial arts teacher can be a powerful ally and an asset. It's not just about learning how to fight, it's about training the mind a certain way. A martial arts teacher can be a wonderful mentor and friend. Don't underestimate martial arts instruction. It can help people experiencing bullying and struggling with confrontation and self confidence/assertion. If you have the money, give it a try.

Yep...I agree 125%...the person who says that is invariably buddy-buddy with the tormentor. I remember in my university days hanging out at downtown pub with a couple of friends (I was lucky to have a handful of friends in spite of being Aspie) and these two guys who frequented the place, Dustin and Todd, knew me (and my oddness) and were basically tag-team bullies. I was talking to this one girl, things appeared to be going well, then Dustin butts in between us and says "mind if I cut in?" I froze up in shock and he pushed in front of me with a sneer in my direction, then carries on a conversation with the girl. I walked away feeling dejected, then Todd stopped me and said "Hey, are you gonna let Dustin do that? You should go back there and give him a piece of your mind." I just said "naw, not worth the effort, I can't be bothered" and despite Todd's egging me on, I just said "look, pal, I'll catcha later" and turned away.

I don't regret my decision to this day, as my safety was not being endangered by these two ignoramuses - only my honour. It seems that among 18-25 NT males, if somebody disrespects you in front of a young woman like that, it's a (read between the lines) challenge to fight them to reclaim your honour. It's a more covert code than the 19th century glove-slap. I never agreed with it, being Aspie - not just because of seeing social rules as arbitrary, but because with my off-rhythm motor skills I could end up with a 2nd disability if one of them knocks me down and I strike my neck on a barstool like a "million-dollar-baby" incident.

Actually, "tag team" bullying may be easiest to neutralize than you think. You can deal with the second person easier than you can deal with the other one.

"Aren't you going to do anything about it?"

Tip: don't pretend you are defenseless. Don't hunch forward. Don't show fear or anger, or look at someone other than the person talking to you.

You: the guy is an a**hole. I won't bother with him.

Take it with the second person. That's what he wants after all, for being a bully follower.

Andres Serrano?

I cannot re-edit that post because it is too old, so I cant replace cum with con.

My last two years of high school were bully free due to the use of extreme violence and the right application of psychotic rage. I went after people for anything and they learned not to bother with me. They moved on to someone else more easy to torment. When I can't use physical violence I use more subtle revenge tactics like smearing big gobs of feces on the inside of their car door handles, spraying skunk scent through an open car window, pissing on their coat in the employee changing room, or throwing away their car keys. There was a guy at the machine shop I use to work with who kept messing with me so I filled up his tool box with expanding foam. He knew I did it, the boss knew I did it, and our fellow employees knew I did but no one saw me do it so they could do nothing about. Everyone there knew not to mess with me after that.

One thing I do a lot is pretending I am a complete wacko by talking to myself when I am pissed at someone, and I make sure that person can hear me.

For example, this clerk sees me standing there, he asks me what I want, I tell him that I want an anti-anxiety medication, I give them the medication's name, and then he starts talking to another clerk and forgets about me. So I start talking to myself, "This guy knows I am standing here, and he doesn't give a damn." Another clerk heard me, and she gave me the medication I wanted.

The "Yes, I am a psycho" approach works, but it is dangerous. Back in college, there was this girl who hated my guts for some reason, and, on one occasion, she kept staring at me, and I said "f**k you" in a whisper. That stopped her from annoying me.

I also remember following a guy who kept annoying me because he knew my weirdness and chuckling when he noticed I was after him.