Someone define "social skills"

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People always told me I need to work on my "social skills" or that my "social skills" aren't that great. Yet, I am mistified by what these "social skills" actualy are.

Telling people what they want to hear?

That's actualy a very good conclusion. I would always fight my parents about making me go to a social skills class. I think all they are just crash courses in how to be a push over.

Check out kfisherx' thread about social skills training. It covers a lot of this ground.

Much of it is about small talk and letting people form connections with you by talking about things that are largely trivial and irrelevant to the moment.

@ Verdandi:
The fact that it is delivered in such a technical explanation reminiscent of self-help books makes me feel even worse about not knowing how to do it naturally like most of humanity. It's like getting taught how to eat by learning about the digestive process and the exact way to hold a fork.

I am sorry, I wasn't trying to sound like a self-help book. That's just how I tend to explain things.

Social skills are just your general ability to handle people.

The real reason CEOS make six figures a year is because they handle the often volatile relations between people who can't always get along.

Their secret revolves around three basic tricks that put people at ease.

Trick number 1: never criticize.

people take any form of criticism as a personal attack. The most unreasonable people will often be provoked to violence, and even those of us with clear heads will hold resentment, even when we are polite. Its a weakness that must only be exploited in the most dire of circumstances. Because a direct and extreme form of criticism is the best way to start a fight, and is often how wars start between nations.

Trick number 2: point out how they are important.

The main thing that seperates a human being's personality from that of a Chimpanzee's is the fact that human beings need to feel that their existence matters. Instead of trying to prove them wrong about something, understand that they have a very real need to feel that it matters. Consider how it does matter, and be honest about what is important, and how they provide an example. You don't need to be insincere or dishonest; in fact, honest appreciation is the most sought after of all compliments by far. remember that.

Trick number 3: absorb what they are talking about.

Many people, especially Aspies, make the mistake of trying to cook up brilliant things to say while the other person is talking. STOP IT.

Instead, focus your mind and attention on what the person is saying, along with the Who-what-when-where-why and how it was said, plus pay attention to what they are doing while it is said. Take in every piece of communication and information they have to offer, and form your next sentence around that. Remeber though; there is more to every person then meets the eye

Everything beyond that is merely technical. Things like body language cues, waiting your turn to speak, and other simple things you can look up on Google will clear up any other ramifications you might have.

Don't be afraid to simply ask them to correct your mistakes. Even NTs don't always have the best social skills, and the fact that you are asking makes it clear that you genuinely care about communicating with them.

For more info on this stuff, read David Carnegie's "How to Win Friends & Influence People"

My problem with the way you worded this advice is that I can either choose to actually be able to talk, or I can choose to listen in the way you describe, but be unable to really add anything to a discussion - I'll still be able to talk, but it'll be scripted, and thus mostly rehashed things. Often, this is sufficient as a lot of conversations I've had are repetitive, but perhaps it is not always the case - conversations with my therapist need to be more "on the ball" for example, which causes me a lot of trouble because I have no alternative to speech during those appointments.

Oh, and the other issue is that taking time to formulate a reply often means being talked over, because of the need to only listen while someone else speaks.

I'm not saying that it's bad to listen to people, but this advice feels like it's worded for someone whose thought processes are not like mine. I can't say whether or not it'd work for anyone else (at face value) but I think it helps to know why "trying to think of something to say while the other person is talking" happens, and sometimes it's a matter of a kind of one track focus that does one thing at a time, and conversation doesn't come naturally if I just "let it."



It's interesting - I know, by rote, what a lot of body language means, but in a conversation, I don't know what it means, at least not every time. I've not understood shrugs, I've failed to notice that someone holding an object out to me intended for me to take it (recent examples I remember) even though I know what both of these mean - I just didn't know when they happened.

Similarly, I've taken what someone said to me literally (and thus misinterpreted him to be saying the exact opposite) after he explicitly told me what he was doing. I knew he was posing questions I might have asked and then answering himself, but when he asked the first question I kind of automatically answered and forgot about his intended action.

How do I remain engaged in a conversation and engage in the meta-analysis necessary during that conversation to participate more like a neurotypical? Just knowing what body language and facial expressions mean isn't enough. Just knowing the non-literal meanings of common idioms isn't enough.

It's even worse than this. People tend to read almost anything as an attack or at least emotionally loaded even if the content is purely factual.

For example:

"You're late" - An observation frequently seen as a criticism.

"We didn't make a profit this year" - taken as "It was your fault we lost money!"

"I see the widget machine is broken again" - taken as "It was your fault the machine is broken!"



The trouble being here that aspies really are slow when it comes to conversing, constantly on the backfoot. We have difficulty enough just following the words without considering all these other things. Personally what you describe would be impossible for me as my thinking becomes very one dimensional when engaging with others.



This kind of follows on from my last remark. I cannot usually keep up with people, and quite often what they say becomes to me a stream of gibberish:

"Hello nemorosa, good to see you! You know I was goin gniff prwwll bweerrf ewberr cobble wobble..."

It's literally like that. No chance of taking an interest or forming the next sentence as I'm completely lost.

Oh, yeah, I totally forgot auditory processing difficulties at which point it comes down to either asking them to repeat or answering with something that sounds "right" in the hopes they didn't just ask something important.

The times I've agreed to or with things I would not have if I had understood what I was hearing...too many.

I think this is the biggest problem with social skills training. It's all about learning to socialize like an NT, when maybe that socialization style doesn't fit well with how you think.

I think it's possible to be socially successful without faking NT - Temple Grandin for example gives very good speeches but it's blatantly obvious during the speech that she's autistic. And I've had my most success interacting when, instead of changing myself, I looked for people who are fine with my natural interaction style.

This is what I always do.

But the only reason why I can't fit in with my peers is because I'm not interested in make-up, shopping, celebrities, hairstyles, etc. But I suppose having older friends is better than having none at all. I love all my friends.

And it is not possible to change the way you think when the way you think is shaped by a very real physical difference, as opposed to changing attitudes and behaviour. That is why I'm slightly bemused by the kfisherx thread; putting herself through all that stress for what I consider largely unattainable goals.



I wouldn't call giving speeches being socially successful. I'm quite good at public speaking and also used to sing and perform in a band but I'm still very poor at social interaction.



That is true for me as well. Also, with people who are comfortable with me and people whom I know well my difficulties with auditory processing are much reduced. I think this may be due to the fact that since I already know and can anticipate much of their behaviour my brain has more resources available to listening and less devoted to trying to figure them out.

I find it helps to watch other people socialising. If you can sit back and watch and be able to tell where people are doing well and where they are aren't you will be in a better position to identify your own flaws.

There are few areas you should consider

Body language: eye contact, posture, proximity (how close you're standing/sitting next to people).
Tone of voice, speed, and content. You'll need to be able to judge when you're talking too much/little or if you're broadcasting the wrong emotions or whatever.

If set your mind to figuring this stuff out you should at least make some progress. Even normal people don't get it right all the time.

If you find you're not usually around people that often it may be worth your while to put yourself out there.

It may not be possible to become a normal person but there's plenty of room for improvement.

You may have found a nice group of people that accept you for who you are but a lot of us aren't so lucky. We're just trying to find more comfortable ways of socialising with people. It's going to different for every person but I find that this kind of stuff helps me. I find stuff that works for me and I'm much better for it.

I have this problem that when a person is speaking to me and telling me a story, I always reply back with one of mine own, making theirs insignificant. I don't mean to do it just happens and then that is usually the end of the conversation for the rest of the evening. I sit there trying to think of things to say.

I get annoyed with myself, I am aware of it, but can't stop it.