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Don't take things personally ...

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YellowBanana
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12 Nov 2011, 6:30 pm

When people tell you "don't take things personally, they're not always about you", what does that mean?

If I'm involved in something it will, in some way, affect me personally. It might upset me or make me feel frustrated or it might make me laugh or feel happy, or it might not change my state at all. But it will affect me personally.

Now, the thing I don't get about the phrase I noted is that I *know* things are not always about me. Someone might shout at me because they've had a bad day, even though I've done nothing wrong ... but it upsets me, and may even make me question if I have done something wrong.

Now someone on seeing me upset may well say "don't take things personally, they're not always about you". Indicating that they think my upset response is wrong. Why don't I have a right to feel upset at being shouted out? I know that the person is having a bad day and I may not have done anything wrong.., but being shouted at upset me.

And why don't people ever say 
"don't take things personally, they're not always about you" when something makes you feel happy ... maybe someone had a really good day and feels generous so buys you some chocolate and it makes you feel happy that you now have chocolate. It's the same situation - it has nothing to do with me but it affects me personally.

Emotions that show distress are wrong but happy is ok? Why? They are all just emotions.

I'm confused.


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League_Girl
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12 Nov 2011, 7:13 pm

After reading your OP, it also sounds like it means "don't act like it's about you."

Have you ever been upset about something, you found yourself shouting as you were talking to that person even though that person didn't do it to you?

This is what people do and they may not realize they are shouting. When I am upset about something, I tend to yell and whoever I am talking to, I tend to be yelling and I don't even realize it. It has always frustrated me when people say "Don't yell" or say I am yelling at them because I feel they think I have control over my voice and feelings.



anneurysm
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12 Nov 2011, 7:19 pm

It's not about your response being wrong, but about the level of self-focus you have in dealing with these situations. It means that most of the situations you're questioning about have an external cause (i.e. having a bad day at work) and they don't have anything to do with you. Even if someone's reaction upsets you, it can be easy to think that you're the cause of it, but some people have a nasty habit of taking their emotions out on others without the other person do anything wrong.

Perhaps the next time you see someone mad, take a step back from the situation and just assume you're not the reason you amde them upset...because you likley are not.


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Given a “tentative” diagnosis as a child as I needed services at school for what was later correctly discovered to be a major anxiety disorder.

This misdiagnosis caused me significant stress, which lessened upon finding out the truth about myself from my current and past long-term therapists - that I am an anxious and highly sensitive person but do not have an autism spectrum disorder.

My diagnoses - social anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I’m no longer involved with the ASD world.


YellowBanana
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13 Nov 2011, 1:38 am

League_Girl wrote:
After reading your OP, it also sounds like it means "don't act like it's about you."

Yes, you could be right. So why dont they just say that? But even so, I still dont really get it...

And I still don't get why people only say this in negative situations rather than positive ones.

League_Girl wrote:
Have you ever been upset about something, you found yourself shouting as you were talking to that person even though that person didn't do it to you?


No. I rarely shout at anyone and if I do it's because they did something that triggered it. If I am upset by something and talking to someone, I may well start crying or showing other signs of distress (e.g. losing speech, hitting myself). This may be the first sign to me about how upset I am. I may know very well that whatever upset me was not my fault - that someone had a bad day, or whatever. But that doesn't stop the reaction. It doesn't mean I'm acting like it's about me. It just means I'm upset.

If I am happy, I tend to bounce around a lot. Again this is often the thing that tells me I'm happy. I don't think "I'm happy... I'm going to bounce". I think "oh. I'm bouncing. I must be happy then!". The trigger to my happiness may have nothing to do with me ...

Yet if im showing happiness people dont tell me "don't take it personally". To me both situations are the same, so why the different reactions from others?

League_Girl wrote:
This is what people do and they may not realize they are shouting. When I am upset about something, I tend to yell and whoever I am talking to, I tend to be yelling and I don't even realize it. It has always frustrated me when people say "Don't yell" or say I am yelling at them because I feel they think I have control over my voice and feelings.


Ok do they are telling you not to yell even though you're not shouting at them specifically, you are just upset for whatever reason. Do they also tell you not to laugh or smile when you are happy? No? Why the difference?


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YellowBanana
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13 Nov 2011, 1:45 am

anneurysm wrote:
It's not about your response being wrong, but about the level of self-focus you have in dealing with these situations. It means that most of the situations you're questioning about have an external cause (i.e. having a bad day at work) and they don't have anything to do with you. Even if someone's reaction upsets you, it can be easy to think that you're the cause of it, but some people have a nasty habit of taking their emotions out on others without the other person do anything wrong.

Perhaps the next time you see someone mad, take a step back from the situation and just assume you're not the reason you amde them upset...because you likley are not.


Ah this is slightly removed from my OP... but if you do that every time, how do you know if you are the trigger when you are? Or are do you just become oblivious to the fact and assume you ever upset people and are never in the wrong? How can you "grow" if this is the case?


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League_Girl
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13 Nov 2011, 2:58 am

Quote:
Ok do they are telling you not to yell even though you're not shouting at them specifically, you are just upset for whatever reason. Do they also tell you not to laugh or smile when you are happy? No? Why the difference?



People have told me "it's not funny" when I laugh as if I have control over my laughter. My husband told me last week they are just upset when they say it.


People have told me to not yell when I wasn't shouting at them. I feel they misread me so it's as if they have AS but maybe it's me not showing my emotions appropriately. I wonder if NTs get told too to not yell when they are shouting when they are upset about something.


I just saw your edit too in your OP and I have no idea. But it doesn't say in your post you edited so perhaps you did it as I was posting my response.