Denial of Aspergers as being "mature?"

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Hello all.............

I first was aware of Aspergers in High School, but I denied it when I first heard about it and thought "there is no way that is me." My reference point was "Napoleon Dynamite," and there was no way in my mind (of how I perceived myself) that I acted similar to that movie character.

I just posted this in another thread, but when I was a boy, I acted very VERY mature for my range. Even in grade school, I had a very developed range of interests in areas like History and Music...... I played instruments to a very high standard, and in many ways I acted very much like a little adult. All of this was of course Aspergers.......

The problem was that I thought the problem was that I was only far more mature and developed than the rest of my peers. I had nothing at all to get on or relate to on any level with other boys my age, which is why I never had any friends. I thought that I was just too advanced mentally for my grade......... I had wild imaginations that I only had to get out into the working world as an adult, and there I would show my mettle.

However, this fantasy of school being just a pass, and that I'd do better once independent was incredibly naive of me and an extreme fantasy. I totally underrated my own social-retardation, and the fact that my struggles in school would certainly not end in later life.

I totally failed to learn any social lessons in school......... as I just posted in my other new thread, I feel as if I've retrogressed now to childhood as an adult (where before I felt to be an adult in a kid's body) Its been a bizarre reversal.

As an adult, I don't do any of the dynamic things I imagined myself doing in my pathetic adolescence.......... I don't date, work, progress in the world, etc. I thought it would be so much different and my inner maturity would make things "natural" for me. Instead, I've gone back to a total immaturity and lack of motivation to where I just play on the computer all day and pursue amateur interests.

I definitely know the problem was AS and the fact that I achieved ZERO of the social milestones expected of me growing up. My parents were totally perplexed that I failed to date other girls, play sports, participate in age-appropriate activities, go to dances, etc, and I had no answer either(I wanted to do these things BADLY.) The fact that I totally failed at forming friendships and things like extracurricular activities totally just carried over. It was all just a continuation of my mammoth failures before. Absolutely nothing was going to change, but I thought somehow that being an adult would just magically change things....... I woke up when I was 19 after a year of doing absolutely nothing just waiting for my "break" that never came.

As a boy, I had ZERO appreciation of just how badly I was socially and how I was being affected by AS. I had no idea just how much of an oddity I really was....... how badly I came off or what a poor social impression I made. I was in such denial that it was really some "maturity" that was just making me wait to be an adult.

This is probably the case with a lot of aspie boys (it was for me, anyways), that we're considered 'mature' because we're quieter, smarter and better behaved than other boys our age. But it's just like saying a passive person is a nice person: It seems true, but it really isn't. Maturity comes through experience, which comes through social interaction, which we rarely got enough of or the right kind.

It's probably the case for a lot of aspie girls, too. I am DISCLAIMER not officially diagnosed, but the OP is not far from my experience. As a child, I was smart, quiet, and well-spoken when I did speak, which was mostly around adults, and adults commented that I was very mature for my age. The kids my age, not so much. I was always behind them in interests or pop culture, and often did not share their interests at all. They also thought that I was a complete basket-case weirdo. I was shy and naive and attractive enough to attract boys who wanted to date me, but this often didn't work out well because of my lack of social understanding. As an adult, I often still feel much younger than most of my peers, and far behind them in social understanding. And many of them still very obviously think I am a weirdo. To make it even worse, I am small and I look younger than I am and when I am confronted with statuesque, perfectly groomed icons of adult society, it makes me feel even more like a child. I am quite sure that these things have impeded my progress in my adult pursuits, but as much as I want to succeed in life, "growing up" and being like most of the adults I see around me doesn't seem very attractive even if it is possible for me.

That is why so many adults in my life (as a youth) thought I would have a brilliant future since I was so apparently "mature" around them. I don't think they even realized that I was missing the most essential ingredient of not keeping pace or relating to my peer group. (if they followed my progress at all)

Until I was about 15 or 16, I was great around adults......... I had mature topics of discussion, and I connected well with them on some levels. Its no wonder they mistakenly thought I was so well developed and gifted.

With my "peers," it was the same as described above to where I had no interest in pop-culture and no interest in any "fads" they went on about. As this happened, after High School, I had no connection at all with my new "competition" for the job market...... prospective employers would I think expect me to behave similar to my chronological age group, and they were puzzled that I did not respond conversationally or functionally as so many other "millenials". (I was not a particularly motivated or chatty worker, nor did I respond to "mentoring") As I actually became an adult, the gap between me and the other adults I had related to closed.

After High School, I recall I did absolutely nothing but sit around and wait for some "break" that I thought would come. I had not evolved the critical self-help skill of going out and taking the initiative to work for your own success. I kept dreaming that opportunities would just drop into my lap, but they never came.

My parents were brutal in forcing me out to try and find jobs, but they were way too traumatic about it with me, and I think I developed PTSD since they were so aggressive in trying to prompt me to become functional and employed. My mother even told me she would basically render me homeless and lock me out of the house if I failed to stay employed. My parents hounded me so much about my shortcomings that it destroyed all of my confidence and I became even more curled up in a proverbial fetal position.