Memories

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Is it just more or does anyone else get the sense that they remember long-gone events more vividly than they experienced them the first time? I do and I think it has something to do with sensory processing issues.

I get the sense that a good portion of my memories are fiction.

Well, some of mine may be fiction, but not all. I don't think that more vivid memories of long-past events are actually that uncommon. Usually, as we got older, we would remember more of the long-past and our youth than recent events or events from the near-past. I have memories from the time of nursery school and kindergarten. I don't think that such memories are more vivid than they were to me when they happened. Well, maybe, as we persevere on such memories it engraves in our minds more and more.

This is of great interest to me. My ex used to tell me that it took him time to react to others emotions and he remembered things differently. If more people could relate to this it would help me to understand him better.

The more you focus on particular memories the stronger they will be, whether they are accurate representations of what happened or not.

1. We process from part to whole.
2. We are also preseverative.
3. Many of us are visually based.

When interested, someone like that might well replay events in their head until they're satisfied that they understand what happened. And then keep doing it, as long as the emotional charge is still sharp.
Mental OCD. Not only is more understood with visual replay, the memories are also canalized.
It is an aid to understanding. On the downside, we are also in danger of PTSDing ourselves.

Still trying to figure out your ex?
How long has that been going on?

Plantwhieperer.... point taken

cinbad, believe me I understand.
I was divorced a year and a half ago, after 11 years of being with my ex.
Still find myself replaying, even though the break-up was my idea.
It does take awhile, doesn't it?

He also has AS. But I suspect it might be worse than my own. Who am I to judge? I sometimes wonder if he does this too. We weren't together that long but it was intense. So intense, I would go into emotional overload and have to come home. Even in the middle of the night after he had fallen asleep. I didn't know how to explain it to him. I have NO idea what he thinks of me.

I had never been in such an intense relationship. Intense as in peaceful and happy. None of the drama that relationships had always brought with them. Usually, men just annoy me, but we have our moments.

I go over and over why I was so nervous. What I could have done about it. What could I do now. I threw away something incredibly beautiful and I still don't know why. I won't even talk to him. He scares me. Even though I cry over him every day. It's only been about 2 months.

I wish I could figure it out and process it somehow. Maybe if I ever meet someone like him again I could handle it better.

Sorry for taking up space for blabbing about my relationship. I also felt similarly about my lost relationship with my ex gf, even though I knew for sure our relationship couldn't have worked out. We had our moments. It took nearly a year to get myself over it, almost as much as it lasted. I can only hope she's found peace over it, too. My memories torture me sometimes, though, what if I did things differently then?

To me, you are not babbling. I really like hearing about how others deal with relationships. It is somehow comforting. I stay up all night sometimes obsessing. I suppose if I hadn't been laid off my job 3 weeks ago, I would have had an easier time by being busy. (Don't worry, I have several sources of income. I only work because I like the regimen and I get to use my brain.)

Ah, it's only been two months, and you were still in the besotted stage, before the novelty burned off.
No wonder you're still tying yourself into teary knots.

As you doubtless know,
those of us who are emotionally sensitive, withdraw to manage the anxious overwhelm, and decompress.

Every relationship I've been in had quite a bit of that early on.
If your ex didn't understand, there would have beeen a lot of not understanding about other things later.

If your obsessing about all the good parts of the relationship, and his positive qualities, try and remind yourself about the lousy stuff too. When I'm acheing for someone, that usually helps me. Memories can help heal, as well. (I'm just trying to make this somehow relevant to the thread. I realize I'm stating the obvious)

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch.
Hang in there.

Ojani, you probably saved yourself a lot of time with the conviction, "it couldn't have worked out."
It took me 11 years to figure that out. It makes feel stupid to think about it that way, but like cinbad I hope I'm better equipped for the next time. "Older, but wiser", I just repeat it like a mantra.

What may be obvious to you, may not be obvious to others. I have been very sheltered and well educated. Unfortunately this did not afford me the luxury of learning about people and life. It puzzles people when they hear me talk and then find out I am so socially awkward.

"those of us who are emotionally sensitive, withdraw to manage the anxious overwhelm, and decompress. " You said this was obvious...yet I don't know what you mean by it. The words makes sense, but the application to human feelings befuddle me.

To me, there was no bad parts. Only things I came to love about him that others might not. Such as his drinking. He thought it was bad to drink twice a week. I understood it to be his way of self medicating because for the three days in between he would become much more relaxed. This is how long it takes to eliminate the effects of alcohol from your body. It just made sense to me.

I suggested you already knew, because I didn't want to offend you by pedantically informing you of things you already knew. Nobody likes being condescended to. One can't know, who knows what. So, I figure it's better to err on the less insulting side of the assumption.

You said you'd get nervous and leave in the middle of the night, and that you threw something valuable away without knowing why, (presumably the relationship.) Touchy amygdala, and fight or flight. Neurochemically there's a bubbling hottub of adrenalin, and hormones, and dopamine, and endorphines, and more adrenalin.
All of which makes it hard to sleep, or eat, and turns your sensory issues on high. It can make it really difficult to calm down. So, we tend to flee to a safe place, back home, for instance, or out of the relationship, in the hope of being able to move away from the intolerable tension. We also make rash decisions, and say impulsive, regrettable things when wound-up. Tipping an unstable situation over a breakingpoint. (To mix metaphors.)

Intimacy can be scary. So,... next time you'll know what happens when you fall in love with a man. And you'll notice when you're starting to freak out, (if that's what happened), and you'll do whatever it is that works to talk yourself through it and calm down. And, I hope, all this current obsessing will help to prepare you.

By the by, you are idealizing him. Nobody remains perfect, after the stars fade out of the beholder's eyes. You can do yourself a huge favor by trying to think of his less than stellar qualities.

Best wishes.

P.S. to Master_Pedant sorry about the hijack.

Cinbad, I'm with ya!! I'm there now, and I think both he and I are in that stage where the emotional entanglement might be too much or too confusing to know how to deal with. He's pulled back from me (as you can read in other posts of mine, actually), and because I miss the "good days" so terribly, I've pulled back in hurt. The hard thing with two AS people is that the very thing they need -- COMMUNICATION -- is the hardest thing to know how to attain to, at times, especially in the more vulnerable relationships. It's weird.... if our hearts aren't engaged so much, communication is easier, isn't it. 'Cause we just... don't.... care. I'm hurting terribly right now, because the one person on this planet who understands me more than anyone is somewhat distant. *sigh* Now I'M rambling!! sorry...

Thank you, this is a perfect description of me, and makes me want to ask you something: I've been diagnosed with PTSD (I personally believe the "complex" type); but what is odd is that much of my flashbacks are GOOD memories--now bittersweet becasue they are no more. So are you saying that our memory replay can give us PTS-like symptoms? Because, simply put, I think I have an overactive amygdala (the structure of the brain that processes the emotions associated with memories), and actually struggle because I remember too much!! It's a curse, I tell you!

Along those lines, I can definitely relate to the original post about our memories being stronger than the actual event. I get disturbed that I want to act on what I 'think' happened, and that I missed the mark of what really did. I've been wondering if this is part of a ToM deficit (i.e. I have misinterpretation issues).

I know I said a lot here, but so much sparked my intrigue.
Anyone, feel free to comment on whatever!

E.

"I get disturbed that I want to act on what I 'think' happened, and that I missed the mark of what really did. I've been wondering if this is part of a ToM deficit (i.e. I have misinterpretation issues)"

This is what I think he has! He tried to describe it before. I think he said that he has trouble discerning "fantasy from reality".

ToM deficit?