Staring vs Lack of Eye Contact

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I've always felt very uncomfortable in situations where eye contact is expected, though I seem to go to an opposite extreme of having a lack of eye contact, and that is that I stare. I can't seem to break eye contact with the other person until they do first. Which is considered more acceptable? Only occasionally looking at someone, or not breaking eye contact? I don't want to come off as creepy by staring, but I want them to think I'm listening. Any others have this problem?

Sometimes. I've tried looking at their foreheads, or watching thier mouths as they speak. Both make people uncomfortable. If i can remind myself to look at someone when they are asking me a question, then i give myself a break and look away while I answer. I can't look at people and put my thoughts together at the same time. Too hard. (If they go on at length, I will no doubt miss almost everything they've said--if I stare or look away, it doesn't make a difference there.)

Maybe you can try counting blinks or something? Like after you blink 3 times, look away. May be more distracting, who knows. Worth a shot.

I just read lips while someone is talking....and skip eye contact
As long as you look at their face, I have found, most people dont notice.

I used to have trouble looking in eyes too long, then I just went back to the lip reading and it works better.

Jojo

Permanent eye contact seems to creep people out. Occasional eye contact is considered normal imho (somebody on this forum wrote that 1/3 of the time is the normal pattern).

You could observe dialog scenes in movies to see how it's done. I've noticed that when two conversationalists sit next to each other (on a bench for example), they look straight ahead, then turn their heads and look at each other for a moment, and then look straight ahead again. Usually in unison, unless one of them says something unexpected that makes the listener look up and utter a surprised or sympathetic little warble.

Perhaps you can imitate that exact behavioral pattern. I've never managed that and don't make eye contact at all anymore.

Last edited by CrazyCatLord on 22 Jan 2012, 11:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah, I have this exact same problem. I try and calibrate the eye contact, and consciously think about how long to keep contact, when to look away, when to blink even. Yet it always seems that people can intuitively detect when you are having to think about something that they find instinctual. So just the lag in "processing" time seems to mes up my whole eye contact approach. It can be incredibly frustrating and tiring!

It always makes me wonder when I hear therapists talk about training social skills to young AS people. It always seems to me that I figured out everything they teach the kids on my own (albeit through painful trial and error). But I never could get the whole facial expressions and eye contact thing down, if only for the simple fact that I constantly have to think about it.

out of the two extremes, a lack of eye-contact is more acceptable, but still far from optimal.
as has been said; you could try the forehead/noseridge/lips techniques to fake eye-contact

My technique:

Don't try to "lock on" to anything. Keep your field of view wide as possible. Scan around. Make sure you can see the persons eyes, but don't focus on the eyes. Look at everything, focus on nothing. And, most importantly, don't think about it. Worst case scenario, they think you're a little bit weird. So what?

I find I usually end up staring at something. I love finding patterns so if their sweater or shirt has an interesting pattern it's like my eyes permanently lock on that. Or if they have a shiny watch or necklace. The necklace thing has gotten me into uncomfortable territory because people have thought I was looking at their chest. I guess I technically was but I wasn't focusing on what they think I was.

Yeah I'm pretty much the same way. I find it funny how AS and NT responses to eye contact are literally the opposite. As an AS person if I'm just trying to be nice and pleasant, smalltalk, etc. I will look you in the eye. But if I REALLY want to hear and understand what you're saying, I won't, I'll look away so I can make sure I understand and catch every word. Eye contact isn't so much uncomfortable for me anymore as it is intense and distracting.

Glance at something else about every 3-4 seconds.

I can look other aspies that I know well in the eyes, no problems, but I can't look people I don't know in the eyes

I lack eye contact. I normally never look someone in the eyes unless I feel that they are trying to get me to confirm something. People always seems to want a "look" back when they want you to confirm something.

I also fake-out completely if it's an important meeting of sorts, there I can hold eye contact for long even if it creeps me out completely.

It's not natural for me to look someone in the eyes, in a lot of cases I don't even look at the person. The words coming out of their mouth is more important than their body language to me.

sometimes I think the answer to this one is - it doesn't matter what you do, someone will have a problem with it. You can't win. Best of both worlds suggests to aim for something in the middle. Everytime it is your turn to talk - look at them and them glance away. If they are talking - alot - give them a polite head nod so they know you are listening and look up. Whenever you offer some sort of response to them - verbal or physical - make eye contact then look away. It takes alot of practice. A WHOLE lot!

when i make a conscious effort to make eye contact, i always end up feeling like i'm staring and creeping the person out. it's tricky

i also tend to go off in daydreams and stare at one spot. thankfully not someone's eyes that majority of the time

I agree with this. When I was a child, I was lectured by my mother and teachers about how I needed to look people in the eye when were speaking to each other or they would think I was dishonest. So I worked to overcome my discomfort with it and looked people in the eye. Over the years, I started realizing how many people commented on my "intense" gaze and realized that this was not necessarily a complement. So I have started trying to go back to less eye contact. I find myself constantly worrying about whether my eye contact is correct. I'm just waiting for someone to comment on it!

When I do try to look people in the eyes people think I stare. One therapist thought my gaze was scary. I usually try to smile and act friendly when I'm working, but today one client accused me of mocking him because I smiled. o.O