Socializing problems worse in some environments

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It was easier for me to build relationships in the playground environment - as a child, I always went outside and simply 'played' with other children. I didn't really have any problems with that. But then again, there was also a kid with Down's Syndrome who also played with the 'normal' children rather normally. I sometimes felt like he was better functioning socially than me.

However, at school, I had virtually no social contact with others at all, as there was no context of socializing. I remember always sitting by a door and looking around. I later formed some relationships, but I still couldn't feel emotionally or socially 'connected' to these people. I was always an outcast at school - there was me, and then there was everyone else. The way I socialized with my 'friends' was very different from the way they socialized with everybody else. I didn't feel rejected or bullied, except for a few people who refused to talk to me, because apparently I 'acted ret*d'.

It started getting worse and worse with age, though. When I was around 12 years old, it seemed like most of the kids had developed even more socially. I stopped being able to have friends completely around that age - this is where a 'problem' grew into a very profound disability. Now, I haven't had any friends for around 5-6 years. I remember skipping 4 months of school in a row (I still had passing grades) because I couldn't bear the pressure of it. I came back from school depressed, overwhelmed and half-crying every day.


Can anybody else relate to my experience?

Sort of. I never made friends at school though, unless kids came up to me and wanted to play.
When I was 10 I would be into tazos and cars but play with them on my own and kids would just come up to me and want to play. Even if the car thing was a bit young for my age group.

I used to always sit on my own and sometimes watch people and then I'd draw or wander around the playground. People would sometimes come up and talk to me and I'd wander off again.

But later I never felt like I had any connection with them. Maybe because this was around my early adult years where other girls give emotional support for someone going through a breakup. I realised that I just couldn't.

In the last couple of years I've gone back to the old me and just do my own thing until people come up and talk to me. I am more willing to talk and share though, but that connection is never there. I would not even describe any friendship I've had as an relationship. Anyway, I learned that when you've got friends you have to change a lot of things like your plans, your eating routine and it takes much longer for anything to get done. You've got to slow down for them.

Makes me sound lonely but I have one friend I sometimes see. I'm surprised that a lot of my past friends still want to hang out.

It was really easy when I was a kid. I used to join in all the time, and they didn't really judge my behaviour, and if we did have arguments or embarrassing moments, we could just forget them by playing a game.

From High School onwards, things got harder. There were more social expectations, people were more quick to judge, and the social rules became more precise.

That is why I always wish I were a little kid when I go to big social events, so that I wouldn't be highly expected to interact with anyone. People would just smile and go, ''awww, she's shy. That's cute'', now they just look at me and say, ''she's not talking to anyone, she's a bit odd''.

I seriously doubt people think you are odd. If you are not winter acting you are unlikely to be noticed in any way at all. People don't tend to notice other people as much as you would think. Doing nothing will not attract attention and it's perfectly normal.

My teenage daughter refuses to go out when the youngest is dressed in a superhero costume, it's embarrassing apparently. a cute 5 year old doing spiderman impressions is not going to attract attention to her, the opposite if anything

Jason

At this age, I almost felt as if I've either forgotten or never learned social skills and language. I didn't have any friends at all and felt completely isolated.
I also wished everyday I would get sick and not have to attend school. My father understood this(he's similar to me), so he let me skip school some time.
And I was extremely deperessed, too. I only cried in the shower if at all.....but other than that, I became very lethargic and apathetic and slept a lot.
I didn't like feeling how I'd be excluded and never invited to anything, never talked to ....etc. I mostly sat somewhere and did my homework....

Nowadays, I try to talk to people or if someone talks to me, it's fine, as well. I have one good friend,...and some other friends which I considered to be "good" in different phases of my life. They still talk to me and even invite me....once a year...but they do. It was always difficult for me to understand what friendship means. I think it might be something differenet for every different kind of people.

I'm always surprised and baffled when someone tells me that I'm their friend....I accept it for the time being.