Advice for Dad?

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Hi, my daughter, 8 years old, was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. I'm looking for some advice from the young adults on this blog who have, in my estimation, done an excellent job of adapting to the strange NT world. Here are my questions:

As is common, I am told, my daughter focuses intensely on one subject. I consider us lucky that she has picked "animals," instead of something more obscure. Her knowledge is encyclopedic and growing. So, is it better for me to nurture this intense focus, and provide her with as much information as I can, or, knowing that she will likely pursue this interest without my help, should I provide alternate books, toys, games, etc. to help provide her with a more rounded life? I don't want to limit or impact her enthusiasm, but I want her to see all the other wonderful things in the world, too.

While my wife is the lucky recipient of my daughter's hugs and cuddling, I often am not (but sometimes, I get an unsolicited hug, and feel like I won the lottery!). Occasionally, I'll go to give her a hug and she'll recoil. I'm OK with that; I understand that she won't always want to reciprocate. But what's a good way, when she's feeling like this, to let her know that she is loved and appreciated? Simply saying it doesn't always get through to her.

If we allowed her to, she would spend 24/7 on the computer, playing Flash video games and reading about animals. She get very amped up while playing the games, with delighted squeals, jumping a bit, and making animal noises...all things that appear strange to the NT, but that I've come to realize is her unique way of expressing happiness with what she's doing. But the time she spends on the computer is time that she DOESN'T spend playing with us, or her sister, or the new puppy; things that I think would benefit her. Should I limit her time more than I do? (Officially, she's supposed to get an hour a day...unofficially, by the time you factor in NETFLIX, Wii, iPad, etc, she is probably on the electronics for 3-4 hours a day).

I know there will be lots of parents who have advice, and I'm happy to hear it, but I want to hear from the kids and young adults who have lived what my daughter is living...what would have helped you the most? What did your parents do that you appreciated, and helped you feel better, and what did they do, well intentioned as they may have been, that made things worse?

Thanks for your time; I look forward to hearing your advice!

Matt

My niece around the same age was also recently diagnosed. I don't know what will happen but I hope it means her school experience will be better than mine was-- for people of my generation (I'm 31) recognition of specific learning disabilities and academic problems of intelligent people began to gain widespread recognition by psycho educational professionals but I think I'm typical in that my social difficulties were not, and to the extent that anyone noticed, there were no meaningful interventions to help me cope. I think I'm doing okay now but I can't help but wonder if things would be a lot lot easier if I'd gotten some help with social skills when I was much younger. The first 3 years of highschool were pretty hellish. I really hope that things will be a little better for

I think all kids, aspie or not should have there special interests encouraged by their parents-- being really passionate about *something* is a key to being a successful adult. Electronic stuff is pretty stimy in and of itself-- special interest or no And I think that's a problem for most of us these days. I don't have kids so I'm reluctant to give parenting advice but I think if there are any ways you can bring that interest into the analog world (drawing animals, going to the zoo, whatever) would be good, and would also broaden her awareness of other things in the process. I know it can be a challenge because a lot of us have a hard time putting the mass of theory we have about the objects of our obsession into the practical real world but still a worthy thing to do.

I think a lot of parents, Dads especially, have difficulty knowing how to demonstrate love and affection-- I don't think aspergers changes that. I know my dad and I still do. When I was young the most important thing was the time he spent doing things with me like making model airplanes and hiking. And as a young adult it was being understanding and supportive of all the things I did as I tried to figure out who I was I what I should do with my life even when those were completely impractical things like running off to join a monastery, working as a bike messenger, and going art school (not all at the same time)

I'm unsure by your post, but your asking from opinions from kids/parents/young adults. But just to reduce hindsight - I don't believe we really grow out of ourselves despite our age.

As for suggestions I'm quite unsure and I'm sure others will have better insight. I have a niece about that age now who uses her tv/wii/xbox/etc constantly... she is also becoming less affectionate than she used to be. I notice from her emotions she worries about not having friends to play with, and she seriously freaks out about it. She screams "I want friends, I want friends!!"... I had to ask my mother if that emotion was common amongst me when I was that age. My mother simply said I was happier/content playing by myself. Yet I remember school, social gatherings, acquaintances, brothers, sisters, and adults. The one connection between them was they where almost always extremely intolerable. People always scolding me on what I did wrong, or what I may do wrong. I would have been happier away from all the social expectations. But I was pushed into soccer, forced into clubs, and punished for any/all behavior relentlessly (still am today).

If you want a suggestion, an epaper kindle would be my suggestion. Less of a game and more reading, also a bit of a comfort item for myself when in places I can't take out a phone or tablet. It also has wikipedia access, or full internet access via the keyboard model. That is if she enjoys reading so much...

You should go along with your daughter's Special Interests if you want the lines of communication to stay open between the two of you. It's important, because she needs to know and feel that you accept her as she is.

Do encourage her special interests, but also provide other topics, as well. There is no reason she can't have more than one special interest, or know more general stuff about more topics.

Do stuff with her. Kids like that. I am the third of four children. My younger brother is 7 & 1/2 years younger than me. When we were young my father would take him out on his birthday and on other occasions--just the two of them to do stuff. Unfortunately, I didn't get any one on one days. On my days, my father always insisted on bringing my younger brother along. My younger brother was somewhat of a brat when he was a kid, so we didn't get along. Bringing him with us on what were supposed to be my one on one days with our father always ruined things. I finally refused to go on these "fun" outings, as they were too stressful for me with my brother along--and were not "fun."

Do cut back on your daughter's computer, electronics, and TV time. She needs to do more stuff away from these things, and to interact more with the family. I don't do much of that last myself, but I am in my 50s now, so I get to choose how I spend my time and with whom. I am an introvert who lives alone, so I mostly prefer to spend my time with me, but I had trouble with family members when I lived with them. Living alone has greatly reduced my stress, and is peaceful. Family life was not good for me. As an adult, I am entitled to choose a more introverted life.

Don't be upset if your daughter is somewhat introverted. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert (non social), as long as you are not outright anti social. Non social people still do socialize as needed, and sometimes by choice, at times of their own choosing--when they are up to it. But this is why she needs more time away from the solo fun and games, so she can get some practice socializing, even if she's really not into it. She may never get good at it, but at least she will have some experience with it.

I'm a fifteen year old diagnosed female aspie. At age eight I was pretty isolated, focusing on my interests. When I hit eleven it got better for me, social skills-wise.I don't know why. Now I'm practically the celebrity of the school for unknown reasons, too. Maybe because I adapt by clowning? When I was her age other people didn't really matter, and they didn't bully me. It was around middle school when I started to get bullied so much I transferred to my current school. I don't really know what to do,but I know what not to do when communicating to an aspie: never criticize the things she likes, or the obsessions, and due to the fact that many of us put on"masks" during the teenage years, lots of psychological stress is added.

Firstly, a disclaimer: I'm a female, young adult Aspie and so fit the criteria you're looking for, but what I advise could be completely wrong for your daughter specifically. I figure you know this already, but I feel better stating it up front.

Second disclaimer: this post is long. Good luck.

Something my parents did when I was young was to take my special interest and utilise it to get me interested in other things.

E.g. I was obsessed with gorillas for a long time (including the age your daughter is now), but instead of being left to my own devices, I would be encouraged to write stories about gorillas (increasing my handwriting and English literacy skills), watch documentaries about gorilla poaching (which taught me a bit about African politics and geography), went to the zoo to see the gorillas, (piqued my interest in other animals, habitat set-up and encouraged social interaction), draw gorillas (visual arts skills) and introduced me to a book about Koko the signing gorilla (which set off a parallel special interest - sign language). Also, through the study of gorillas, their body language, social interactions, communication strategies etc I learned more about people and their strategies for achieving the same thing. I then became interested in Anthropology, and then in Neuroscience (in which I ended up doing my undergrad degree in).

I loved gorillas so much that I decided to save up (which required having three jobs at once) and take a trip to Africa to see them in the wild. I completed that trip a few years ago, on my own, and learned so much more than I could have ever imagined, and not just about gorillas.

So while I would have probably been content to remain sitting in my room reading all about gorillas forever, my parents, (and then later on, me), were able to utilise my interest to connect with other facets of the world...in this case literally.

I still use this technique today to motivate myself to understand things. For example, one special interest of mine is Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes, and I use a book called Evidence Based Medicine: In Sherlock Holmes' Footsteps in order to learn all about statistics - something I'd never previously been interested in.

Now, I'm not saying your daughter will respond the same, of course, I seem to have a tendency to become intensely interested in about seventeen things at once (to my parent's exasperation), but it could be possible that you can use her love of animals to introduce her to other areas of life that so far seem dull to her. E.g. using country-specific animals to learn about geography; wildlife photography to get to know a bit about physics etc.

In terms of well-meaning but actually making things worse - the worst thing my father told me, after I almost jumped on top of him proclaiming that I had found my calling in life (I think I was 13 at the time) was "there are no jobs in that field, you'll never earn money, stop thinking about it." Okay, so I did want to become a Primatologist/Anthropologist/Palaeontologist, and, granted, there are very few jobs in those fields and even less that pay a decent wage, but I was shattered. Becasue it wasn't that I just liked these things, these things were me. The universe made sense and all I could see before me was the utter bliss of being able to study gorillas for a living, and then it was shattered before my eyes by simple realism.

The best thing he could have done was to ask me questions. Lots and lots of relevant questions about what a Primatologist did, how it could be merged with the other '-ologies', which country I'd like to work in, what did I think it'd be like etc etc, all before introducing aspects of reality. Again, I'm not saying this would have been everyone's preference, but I like to talk. A lot. I'm one of those in-your-face Aspies who can talk about their special interest for hours and hours and hours (just look at the length of this post!). And if you show genuine interest in my monologue I will LOVE YOU TO BITS.

And I suppose that's my advice regarding her lack of affection. Dr Tony Attwood (who is second in awesomeness only to Stephen Fry) mentioned that Aspies rarely respond to "Wow, you've made me so happy that you did that", but are over the moon if you're more like, "Wow, what you did there was amazing - it really shows me how smart you are!" Appeal to intelligence is apparently the way to go, and allowing me to demonstrate my knowledge about an interest certainly worked (works) on me. The closest I felt to my Dad was when we were talking about things that I loved. (Later this became debating about things that I loved, which is very intellectually invigorating). This meant more to me than a hug any day.

Oh, and just one more piece of advice, (which, of course, you can use or discard as you wish): don't pander too much. I wasn't diagnosed 'till later in life (because no one had really heard of AS when I was younger), and so, as my Mum puts it, I just had to put up with things I didn't like (e.g. being taken away from my special interests to do something boring like eat (I learned to eat very fast), be around a lot of other kids (meltdown alert), visiting new places (shutdown territory), etc). Because of this I developed a very high level of tolerance, and this is really the only reason I've been able to survive almost a decade of tertiary education and hold down numerous jobs to get me through said education. I went from someone who my parents thought wouldn't be able to fully function in society to planning a career in medicine (which is not known for its tolerance of those who can't hoop-jump as easily as others).

Now, I'm not saying that everything I experienced was ideal and I'm not saying don't support your daughter as much as possible, but encouraging her to step outside her comfort zone is important. It's like learning to swim; you'll never learn if don't progress to the deep end at some point, but being dumped into the deep end without understanding what's happening can be disasterous. It's a balancing act, but the first step is taking an interest and you've already proven you have an interest by posting here. (So thanks, by the way, on your daughter's behalf).

And well done - if you've managed to get to the end of my post.

Thank you all for your posts; as I read through them, I am struck with the realization that being a good dad for my younger daughter won't be too much different in concept that it was for my older (NT) daughter - support her interests, ensure she is happy, challenge her in appropriate ways, and don't let her eat an entire bag of chocolates at one sitting.

@nikkt and Jamleevren1210, I especially appreciate your posts -- it gives me comfort that both of you have been able to succeed in an NT world, and that I can look forward to the same for my daughter, maybe not via the same paths, but still leading her to be a happy adult, and that's really what I care about.

Thanks again!