I wish I didn't have AS.

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More and more, I loathe my AS and ADHD. The inability to socialize, much less do well on standardized tests without additional time makes me feel all the more inferior each day. Who cares about being able to memorize a rote series of historical dates when you can't even find a date yourself? And being able to program Java means jack in this industry when anybody can do so.

I feel utterly useless, with next to no talents. I've got perfect pitch yet I've more or less quit playing music after burning all my time in videogames which I am finding less enjoyable yet I play mainly as emotional painkiller. My first roommate this year kicked me out, calling me a ret*d and telling me to get an occupational therapist (of course, he said he failed a test because he couldn't take a shower...). Plus I royally botched in choosing to tell the girl I like I like her now rather than 6 months ago when her relationship with her boyfriend was still weak.

Why do I do this? Why can't I be able to take tests like a normal person, without the need for extra time? Why is my intelligence more or less mechanical in nature? And why do I have to screw things up so badly with people I like? It's times like this I wish I were NT.

I've had these times as well. When I meltdown and start throwing myself across the room, I really loath the parts of me that seperate me from others. If you do have firends that you can share experiences with, then it may be in your best interests to tell them about yourself, if you feel inclined to do so. Of course, if you do, be sure to choose those who would understand and not slander you like that old roommate of yours.

I hope things will turn out better for you in the near future.

That line shows you've got a good sense of humour anyway. At least if you can keep that then
there's always hope.I know what you mean about screwing things up,I've managed to grasp defeat from the jaws of victory myself a few times.Maybe it's a case of trying to learn from
every experience,whether good or bad.

Externalise the hate, it makes it easier

Is needed more time for tests something that all Aspies have? If so, then I'm not an Aspie because I can take tests perfectly fine (I even do much better on them than most people).

Sometimes I despie being "socially blind" and when angry, I punch myself shouting, "WHY ME, CAN'T GOD PICK ON SOMEONE ELSE??! !!"

I hate the "something's wrong with me" feeling because I don't fit in with the muggles.

[quote="Dart"]Is needed more time for tests something that all Aspies have? If so, then I'm not an Aspie because I can take tests perfectly fine (I even do much better on them than most people).[/quote

That's the ADHD part. Though it doesn't really help. Screwing up basic social interactions because there are so many complicated rules they never teach in an academic context, just because "hey, it's on MTV, the kids'll figure out how to do stuff," that's the AS part.

Mike, it isn't necessarily the Aspie who screwed up the social interaction.

I know. I'm not trying to blame all my social problems on AS, but it doesn't help being clueless as to how assorted protocols should occur.

I'm not good at taking tests, but was almost held back! WHY????? Because I didn't turn in homework! It was too boring. What saved me? My tests showed I KNEW IT all! Those were the days! I coasted for YEARS on what I KNEW! I ASKED THEM for more, but they treated me like everyone else even though I WAS different. I never forgave "the teaching profession" for that. I almost NEVER use the word teacher without quotes, because they DON'T TEACH!

Steve

That is why accelerated classes in high school and independent work before that pretty much saved me from academic extinction. Steve, it's not all teachers who are bad and don't understand AS, but just most of them. The best teachers I had didn't hold me back. They did quite the contrary by pushing me even harder.

Come some time, almost everyone with AS is going to despise it. Look at it rationally. Certiainly AS provides some sort of advantages to you, whether you realize it or not at this point in time. Many adolescents with AS are at a higher risk for depression and/or anxiety, so if you think you may have one of those conditions, as well, please do yourself a favour and talk to your doctor.

They are different when the other person simply decides to mess you up. My favorite protocol in such situations is to ball my fists and let fly, or do something that screws them over.

It took me a long time to learn to let a lot of the crap slide off and just walk on past it. You can't always stay in a situation where it is happening, but there are ways to take more control of where an encounter is going and there are people you just can't connect with.

There's times when I've gotten like this myself.

The important thing to do, is to remember what it is you're good at. You may not be entirely aware of it, but there's going to be something.


You say that anyone can program Java in the industry. That may be so, but I'd be willing to guess that you can probably think of programming in ways that other people don't. And you're [probably going to be one of the better ones when it comes to applying what you know to solve problems.


I've seen what NTs are like, and they have problems too. I'd be hesitant about giving anything up.

Being an NT isn't going to solve all your problems. It's going to take hard work and there aren't going to be any clear answers.

Just go balls to the walls on everything you do. It's the only thing that'll ever work for someone with AS. If you see a girl you like and she's available, throw yourself at her feet, and declare your undying love. If you want to do anything at all, throw your life into it. No matter what happens, you have your sincerity, and the people who take time to understand you will come to see it and appreciate it.

Hmmn.. I've always finished tests the first out of almost anyone. I tend to fly through it and have time to re-check all my answers before the end of the exam/test/etc.

I have an idea, I've spent over 8 years working out the rules and logic (half the time illogic) of social interaction, maybe I should write some sort of book or guide..

However, I must admit its a choice you must make.

Create an image and enjoy people for short time periods before you snap or they freak out at the real you.

OR

Be yourself and struggle to be understood.

Both have rewards and losses. I've always chosen the first of the options, yet this constantly blows up in my face when my differences become apparent, or my logical deductions on interaction only carry me so far with a group. So I've decided to finally do something thats very hard for me. Find a place inbetween the two.

I'm now attempting to create an image, based on what I actually am, and making sure I don't repress or fight to communicate, simply working out what I can and not hanging around when I overload.

Sorry for speaking about myself just had an idea these thoughts may help some to ponder.