Pressure - Paralysis - The Shutdown

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I've been experiencing some demotivation lately. I'm easily demotivated when I see the gross size of some tasks I have to do - my mind involuntarily shuts down, avoids having to do these tasks, or grudgingly resists the process of trying to divide up tasks and deal with them piecemeal. Sometimes I find myself in a self-imposed state of tranquil avoidance.

When I was a kid, schoolwork did not get done, often because of it's daunting nature. I would look at the assignments, realize how much mental effort they would require (outside my normal thought patterns) and I would 'procrastinate' and get in trouble. Mainly because I hadn't understood the new material through the teacher's explanation. This eventually led to frustrated teachers, confrontations, and anxiety. I would 'shut down' under the pressure and fail completely to get anything done. I would get aggravated with myself, knowing I had the capacities to do the work, but realizing that something in my mind prevented me from being able to embrace and complete it. There is a kind of paralysis that occurs when too much is asked at once - and this "too much" can vary in size depending on the day. For instance, doing taxes nearly always elicits the anxiety and procrastination response.

I'm doing my best to understand how my mind works, how to view the compiling tasks, and how to accomplish things I need to do - I have learned to manage my anxiety and procrastination. It's difficult, however, at times. This week's dilemma involves my company - a product being 3 weeks later than it should have been and 3 dozen backup orders waiting to ship - very stressful, not a place I want to be.

I find myself paralyzed and avoiding other tasks (such as the taxes I have to do, and house work), and instead I'm disengaging my brain from the stress by listening to lectures, doing educational stuff which distracts me from that stress (but is essentially the only way I manage it). Last night I got the "what do you do all day" comment from my girlfriend. It's a familiar comment, and it sent a shock of anxious realization up my spine. So, I'm today trying extra hard to get everything else done - and to get caught up with work for Monday, etc. I feel "lazy" when I hear such comments, as though I can and should do better.

I'm not sure how to explain the "shutdown" to her. I've not experienced it much around her (one of the benefits of being in a healthy relationship for once) - but I worry she'll take it as depression or laziness, when really it's a matter of bandwith - being easily overwhelmed. I'd like to know how other people deal with this part of their asperger's - the shutdown - and how they explain it to others. I've not had much understanding. People view time as interchangeable - that I could be doing these tasks instead of whatever useless activity I'm doing - and I'm not sure if this is true or not. So, overall I now feel just lazy.

I like to think of it like a computer: if the CPU gets overloaded, that machine ain't doing nothing useful. And the only way I've found to deal with it is, first, to relax and relieve the stress. Sort of a "reboot". Then - carefully - break things down into chunks I can handle without overloading. Hope that helps!

Okay! Just another Aspie, here. The analogy to an overloaded CPU is quite good and I can easily relate to this form of Shutdown. When I enter a chaotic room and/or add to the chaos before subtracting some amount of it, I am overwhelmed. I see the chaos piling up around me and my response is something like despair, combined with a similar amount of self-loathing, a dollop of depression and some other UFOs (Unidentifiable Feeling Obstacles). If I enter a room that is sparsely furnished but filthy, I have no problem whatsoever tackling and cleaning up what's dirty, even when someone tries to convince me "the bathtub is meant to be black and the white spots are defects." This is one form of Shutdown I experience.

The second form of Shutdown seems to reside in the realm of romance. This is where a lot of problems can occur between the NT and the person with AS(D). Unless the NT is someone who has proven themselves to be understanding, patient and willing to learn, the Aspie may choose not to disclose the fact that they have any form of autism. Quite often, the Aspie will tell a manipulative person to Go Away. At this point, it is usually a good idea to inform the NT that you are a person who is On The Spectrum and attempt to explain what this means. If the NT is someone with agendas, emotional strategies, lies to or about you, misrepresents their intentions and has a bad case of infatuation, "Go Away" and informing the person you have some form of Autism may not be sufficient and requests for Shutdown may be ignored. In such case, it may be necessary to inform the persistent NT that you will call the police, who will at your direction enforce your "Go Away" directive. I've found it much easier to get along with others who are either themselves Autistic or are very familiar with Autism because they have a family member or have worked directly with people who are On The Spectrum. I've also experienced what I call "The Relationship Shutdown." (These will sometimes dovetail into a meltdown).

The third form of Shutdown I Have Known is the "Social Overload" variety. Sometimes you'll find yourself working for a company that wants everyone to huddle together often and participate in "Team Building" exercises, attend a lot of meetings and enforces an "Open Door" policy. Try speaking with your Manager and being open about what you need in order to be a productive employee. If your Manager is unwilling to accommodate what are reasonable requests, you may want to speak with someone in HR or seek another position within the company which doesn't require so much human interaction. Many tech companies allow good employees to telecommute and realize that people with AS(D) are typically very good employees. Worst case, while you still are at your current job, apply for a position in a company where your needs will be understood and your talents appreciated. I have experienced this form of Shutdown, as well. This also applies to friends or family members who enjoy parties and crowds or big holiday gatherings and tell you to "quit being such a wallflower" or insist you're "just shy". If they won't listen to reason, maybe they'll listen to your therapist, who may recommend they also find a therapist.

The fourth form of Shutdown (and the worst, in my experience) is the Shutdown that occurs when you're under a lot of stress, are overstimulated by noise, lights, crowds, are continually being bombarded by someone finding fault with you and/or have a lot of work to complete in a very short amount of time. This Shutdown can result in some serious accidents and it of extreme importance to avoid or very quickly remove yourself from the sorts of situations that trigger these Shutdowns. Personally, I've experienced everything from a loss of consciousness of perhaps one second, resulting in a fall down a ladder on to concrete and broken bones to the loss of about 50% of the sight and perception of color in both eyes for several hours to what appeared to be full-blown Grand Mal Seizures (these occurred primarily between about the age of ten until I was in my late teens and were always related to "too many people", "a group of people bullying me" and Pep Rallies). Although I was diagnosed at ten with Epilepsy and encouraged to take Phenobarbital on a daily basis, I had none of the other matching criteria for Epilepsy (no "aura" to warn me, no loss of bowel or bladder control, no feeling of sickness that stuck around the rest of the day). After the diagnosis was made and prescription filled, I got hold of one of my Grandmother's textbooks (she was an LPN studying to become a RN) and read the information of Phenobarbital. I was not pleased with what I read, so very often palmed the pill and hid it away, only taking a dose when I knew there would be a very high risk of over-stimulation that day. I did carry one pill with me, in the event something unexpected was announced that was likely to cause me to pass out. Nine out of ten times, I was able to avoid a "seizure". These inconvenient Shutdowns can also manifest as loss of coordination, especially when I'm tired or outdoors working in hot weather and pushing myself to complete That Last Little Task.

So the word "Shutdown" can mean different things to different people and some or all of the above to some people, depending on how sensitive they are and what sort of situations they encounter and sometimes allow to increase via inattentiveness or lack of experience. I agree with theWanderer regarding the approach to "task overload".If this doesn't work for you, you might consider asking for help or, if your budget permits, hiring someone who can help you both in the short term with the overload and instruct you in ways to use your avoidance constructively, by avoiding letting tasks get too large in future. If you can get through reading this manuscript I've written, congratulations! You've tackled one enormous task!

Apt descriptions, above. I've never done the meltdown but I can freeze lock for almost a week at a time.

This sounds incredibly familiar.

Often when I am experiencing this kind of a "paralysis" I will choose a single goal to focus on (that related to a larger goal) and work towards only that for a day. I will alternate between working on that task and taking breaks if I feel overwhelmed (but not doing things Im likely to get distracted with.. ex. games, watching videos, lectures.. ). When I choose a goal I choose something small that I know I can accomplish easily. It might seem like a bit of a slow day but I think its necessary in order to get my foot in the door and get whatever task I have been avoiding started. Afterwards, its usually very easy to continue with at a more normal pace.

Thank you, nerdymama!
It helps me to know how each person deals with this "paralysis" when they feel overwhelmed. We share similarities, but how we find out way through this obstacles is often very different.. because we're all unique, despite the similarities. This is a truth I wish the medical community would understand. We are not "cookie cutter" people. Look at some of the Empathy scores! Notice that those with low EQ numbers relate and understand. Maybe Empathy is poorly explained and difficult for some people to process.

Look at vanhalenkurtz's response. Does it seem to you that this is someone lacking in Empathy? Not to me! To me it seems some better explanations are needed that will help people understand issues like "meltdown".

+1

The "professional" view of autism was one thing that caused me a lot of hesitation when deciding that I must fall somewhere on the spectrum. Then, I realised there were many people on here, including those with formal diagnoses, who claimed experiences completely opposite to that "professional" perspective.

The more time I've spent on here, learning more about myself and also reading the experiences and perspectives of others, the more strongly I have become convinced there are a number of major failings in the approach the "experts" take toward us. First, it is called a "spectrum" for a reason - we are not all exactly alike. We share some common understanding, but we are not mass produced, interchangeable robots. Second, the "experts" describe what they see on the outside - and since they are just as "mind-blind" to us as we are to them (in fact, I think more so, since we at least are aware we don't understand others very well, while they believe far too much in their own abilities), they do a terrible job of figuring out what is actually going on inside us.

It would be like asking your dog to help you figure out what your cat was thinking. No matter how smart that dog might be, or how good he might be at spotting a few superficial issues (say, using his nose to figure out the cat was sick), he is never going to guess what is going on in the cat's mind. But at least he knows that. If he could speak, and you asked him what your cat was thinking, he'd laugh at you and tell you to go chase a parked car. The "experts" don't have enough sense to know what it is they don't know.