I just don't know if I have aspergers or not... (!)

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Dear people,

First off all I will say that I am Belgian, and that my English sometimes may not be that good, sorry for that
It never really came to my mind that I could possibly have aspergers. Just recently when I was in a stressful period when I didn't want too much people around me, I started to think about myself a little more.

I am a 20 year old girl, and studying on university. I used to be very happy as a little child, I loved to sing and I loved to play with other kids. I've always had quit a lot of (well: enough) friends around me. I loved having people around me. I was always envited to birthday parties (and threw my own sometimes). Then when I was 9 I started to get bullied a lot in school. It continued until I was about 13 years old. It really changed me. It made me a very anxious person, very scared of being judged by other people and just really aware of others and myself. I did have friends though in the period when I was bullied. I think that helped me true.
After my 13th I started to get more confidence, because I was placed in another group at school. I felt really comfortable with these people, and I even became a little 'extraverted'. Sometimes is was the clown in class, sometimes I was a little rude with teachers, looking back on it. But I felt better than most years of my life. But then a year later, when I was 15, my mother died. It hurt me a lot, off course, and I still struggle with it today sometimes. I guess it changed me in the way that I know that 'you don't know what you've got until it's gone', it's made me a little bit more 'aware' and maybe a bit more 'serious'.

As I've said, I've been thinking about myself a lot lately. Reasons why I think I might have aspergers are:
-I notice that I feel very uncomfortable when I am in large groups of new people. It just scares me, knowing that all those new people are judging me. I don't really know how else to describe this feeling. It's like a have to perform and say the 'right' things. I want people to like me.

-I don't like shaking people's hands, but I don't hate it either. I don't hate the act itself, it's just that when I shake someones hand I know that that person is judging me. And that's what scares me.

-I am always thinking what I have to say next in a conversation. When there is a silence it makes me feel stupid. I am always thinking what to say when I am only in a room with someone. It is as if I HAVE TO talk, otherwise it will get akward and silent. Sometimes I like it when there is a third person in the room, because I know that I won't have to keep the conversation going forever all by myself. It's contradictive with the first point I've made. I find it a little 'scary' to have conversations with new people one on one, yet I dislike being in groups of new people.

-I find it hard to go up to people that I vaguely know or just gotten to know, because I am afraid that they will think: 'what is she doing here?'. I am afraid that they won't appreciate my presence. At the same time I feel like I will have to say something, so I feel kind of pressured to come off as 'good'.

-Sometimes I have nothing to say to the other person anymore. Often times when I go out with friends, like go to a movie, or take a day trip or have dinner there gets a point where I am just 'done' or something. Of course not for the entire time. But there will be some time, probably at the end of the event/day where I have nothing to say anymore for a while. I don't know why this is. I do find I have this with some friends more than with others.

-I can be very stubborn. People have told me all the time that I am a sticker, I persist on things, I can hold on, and that when I really want something I won't stop till I have achieved that. It's a good quality in one way I think. They say: 'some people only dream, you not only dream, you actually make your dreams come true'.

-I can get really caught up in my opinion and certain things other people say. I can get really heated up when I am in a youtube debate something. Now a normal person would think, eventually: 'just let them talk. It's their opinion' and stop bickering after a while. But me, I just keep going on. It's like I can't let it go until I feel I've made my point. Sometimes I even talk to myself about it, trying to 'explain' my point to myself, if that makes sense. These things can keep me busy for a long time.

-Things in general just really bother me. I always think the worst. When I feel a conversation with someone went really bad, I think about it all day. When someone makes a certain comment, I always think of how the person could have meant it, what's behind it, wether it's negative or not. I just think really negatively about myself I guess. I always wonder: what would he/she have thought of me?

-I have low self esteem.

-I talk to myself a lot, in a kind of 'professor' way. Convincing myself of things, giving myself peptalk.

-I love listening to my iPod. And when I do I imagine that I am the popstar, on stage, who everone loves. I imagine myself on every show, in every magazine, performing, having huge succes, men loving me, women too. It's like my own little fantasy or something. I don't know if that's a common thing to do for more people. But when I listen to my iPod, and take a walk, it's like I am in my own little mind/world. I usally hate it when I am listing my iPod and someone disturbes me or comes up to me on the streets. It's like you wake me up from a lovely dream.

-I was really good at philosophy in high school.

- I tend to stress quite easily. When I do I get really irritated (with my family) and I talk either a lot or very little. Although I have learned to control this.

-My dad irritates me really quickly. I don't know why. Sometimes he tells me something and I just think 'yeah i know, stop'. And the other time he asks me a question and I am like: 'why are you asking me this stupid question, I've explained it so many times'. I just find some things he says or does disturbing, but I don't really know why.

-My Older Brother has PDD-NOS.

-I can go quite a long time without my friends. I will find other ways to amuse myself. Right now I haven't spoken to some friends for weeks. I do text them back though, or e-mail them sometimes I wish I could do more things with my friends, because I am bored quite a lot now in summer holidays. At the same time I like reading my book, watching my Beauty and the Nerd, and just doing random things on the internet.
The weird thing is that I am not seeking contact right now with them, and I don't know why. They have called me and contacted me many times, but it's like I cannot find the energy to plan things with them. Like I am in a 'confort zone' now, since I haven't spoken to them for weeks.

-I haven't responded to some e-mails for weeks now. I feel really guilty for some. But I just can't get myself to do it. I keep avoiding.

-I have felt quite depressed the last weeks, because there was nothing to do. I felt lonely. At the sometime I didn't want to contact anyone.

-I have been discribed as 'eccentric' and 'different' when I was in high school. I used to dress very fashionable, be very artsy, etc.

-I have never had a boyfriend before.

-A friend once told me 'you stare a lot', and 'I love you with your all your weird facial expressions'

-I can be a perfectionist and rigid when I find something important/worth it.

-I can be just a tad bit clumsy sometimes. I actually threw I drink of the table in conversations making hand gestures twice.

-I have a lot of 'awkward' friends. They are not completely weird or anything, but they are not 'the coolest' so to speak. Two of them have ADHD, one is highly sensitive. I have one guy friend that many people find a bit 'creepy'. I always get along with the awkward people, or people that are just slightly 'off'. Don't know what I mean by that

Reasons why I think I might be Neurotypical

- I don't really suffer from sensory overload, although I have very sensitive ears.

-I find it natural to look people in the eyes while talking

-I have always had enough friends, and been able to make friends

-I have no trouble expressing emotions

-I don't have problems with change, I even like spontaneity

-I don't think I have trouble reading people's faces. I took several 'emotion recogtion tests' on the internet. They all told me that I score average or slightly above.

-I took the Aspie test. I scored 66/200 Aspie and 141/200 Neurotypical.

-Once I feel comfortable with people, I can be really funny, open, a little crazy, spontanious.

-I am, what most people would describe as 'fashionable' and 'well taken care of'. I love fashion and make-up. I love to look nice for the world. People think I am stylish and look good.

-I don't really have particularly strange interests - I think.

-I have no problems with intimacy, toutch whatsoever.

-I understand most humor.

-I have no problem with sarcasm. I often use it myself.


So that was it people. It's a very long post. I am not expection a full diagnosis right now. I was just wondering what you think about it. All thoughts are welcome.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

Love
Milk and Coffee

You definitely do have a few "Aspie" traits, though your profile seems to align more with Social Anxiety Disorder (click for link) or Avoidant Personality Disorder.
From what I have read, your symptoms seem closer to Avoidant Personality Disorder; however, my opinion is not as "accurate" as that of a trained psychologist or therapist.

In any case, I wish you the best of luck in coping with the symptoms that trouble you. May you find peace and prosperity, regardless of your diagnosis.

First off I thought I should start out in saying that if you are really concerned about it you should have a chat with a doctor about it to see what he thinks. Any opinions here are not as valid as a medical opinion.
I should also state that I'm self diagnosed and have been in the same thought process as you, very extensively. I didn't just one day decide that I had aspergers but I had several months of thinking about it, chatting to my doctor and my local aspergers assessment team before I decided that I had it. I didn't follow up on an "official" diagnosis as I feel that being officially diagnosed would impact several areas of my life.

But from reading your post I would say, in my humble opinion, that you are displaying several traits of social anxiety over AS. (Not that there are no aspie traits in there, or not ruling out the fact you may have a mild AS).

I read your reasons for NT section and I thought there was several points in there that would point away from an AS diagnosis. In my opinion you have quite a few traits of AS and several pretty strong indications of a social anxiety disorder which seems to be exacerbated by the environmental stressors you have faced in your life.

In my very humble opinion that is in no way medically valid and is only past on my experiences in life, I believe that the things you've experienced over the past few years have made you a socially anxious, depressed and have changed your personality a bit. It is important to mention that in order for someone to have AS they have had to experience these symptoms all their life.
So yeah in conclusion I would say it looks like you have a problem with social anxiety, rather than a deep routed neurological problem with social interaction.

anyway, I hope I'm not digressing too much. If you want to ask any questions feel free to PM me

Asperger's is a spectrum. Still, I didn't read anything about stimming or hyper/hyposensitivity to lights or sound or texture or taste. For some people, their odd behaviours and quirks are definitely a problem in their social life. A lot of us say the wrong things and can't relate to other people's sad situations and therefor avoid social situations altogether. Welcome to WP, though. You're among friends.

I also tend to think you are more along the lines of social anxiety than Asperger's. However, I am just a pizza delivery driver and not an expert. That being said, the important thing to find out about is your early childhood. Did you seek to share enjoyment and interests with others your age? Did you seek knowledge over socialization? How were you at eye contact? Did you/do you have any obsessive interests? Did you prefer contact with adults to those in your age group? Were your interactions with other children dependent upon them wanting to do what you wanted to do versus you going along with their wishes? Were you seen as selfish? This is far from an exhaustive list but is representative of the sort of things a psychologist would ask in giving a diagnosis. The reason early childhood is so important is that it shows what you were like in your "natural state". Later in life, people change and adapt to circumstances and thus it is harder to see if it is autism or environmental factors causing certain patterns of behavior.

People here might not be professionals, but I have found this site much more informative than any "official" page that I have found (especially in my country). Much of what you find out there on the internet is copy past from some obscure source, written by NT´s. Most of it lacks details, insight and empathy ( ) People around here tend to know from personal experience what they are talking about.

Look around on WP , read old posts and you can learn a lot, no matter what diagnosis you may have.

I agree. My initial research was done on a variety of these sites and what I read made me think that people with Asperger's were all monsters who didn't care about anyone but themselves. However, here is where I learned the reality and that it does in all likelihood describe me. I also learned that the negative stereotypes were either not true or are exaggerated.

Don't expect it ever from here... Just see a psychiatrist, as they are the only one qualified to make a proper diagnosis...
I'm pretty sure Belgium also has special autism centers where there are specialized psychologists that also can properly diagnose autism spectrum disorders.

We might have "practical experience" with the spectrum, but ASD's have many, many, many ways of expressing themselves.
Each individual is unique, and so is their "disorder"...

You're 20
you no longer qualify as angsty teenager
stop acting like one already

That was a bit unfair/unnecessary wasn't it?

I don't know if you are aware of it since your profile sais 'other autism spectrum disorder', but your post sounds quite rude and offensive.
I am 20, and I have a problem. I feel anxious in certain social situations. A lot of aspies have trouble with this, wether they are 10 or 69. That's why I came to this forum.

Thank you very much for reading my topic and responding!

I've never really thought of avoidant personality disorder, always of social anxiety disorder. But I really do recognize myself in the symptoms you gave of APD. I think all of them apply to me, except for "Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus". Maybe the reason I think I have aspergers is because I always tend to think 'the worst' if you get what I mean. Maybe I start seeing things that are not true because of my low self esteem and insecurity...
I think I will start reading more about Avoidant Personality Disorder, it might be what my problem is.

It is difficult to make a differential diagnosis in AS most of the time. In my opinion, you have to find an expert to be sure. On the other hand you said that your problems started when you were 9. This statement significantly lowers the probability of AS. I think you have social anxiety.

By the way, your poll has a problem. You wrote ''I'' to point yourself but I understood it as myself (Somberlain) and I chose ''probably yes''. I understood my mistake while I was writing this (oh how I hate this low eq of mine) and I think many people here misunderstood that poll and chose ''definetely yes'' (since many of them have AS and they may have difficulties in pronouns).

Whilst people with Aspergers / Autism have strong interests, they're not always that strange.

An autism spectrum disorder - no. Saying your problems started at age 9 is enough to say that its not an ASD. Your list of traits/symptoms also don't match, and instead match with something more anxiety oriented.

Look into social anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, and those sort like others are saying.

However, there might still be advice for you here. We don't limit it to autistic people online here.

Thank you so much! I've thought about myself for a few months now. I've read 4 books about aspergers and autism. One of them 'Aspergirls'. I thought I'd read it because Aspergers in girls seems to be different from Aspergers in boys. I've also watched very many youtube videos from people with Aspergers. Some things were 'spot on', some things not so much. I remember one video of a girl that thought she had aspergers. She was sent to a psychiatrist, and he asked her: 'Out of everything you've just told be, what would your main problem be, that everything goes into?' And she said: 'I'm always worrying of what people think of me'. And then he asked: 'When you go to a party, do you get really nervous on beforehand think what are you going to say, how does your face look, how do I act, what if an awkward pauze happens in a conversation?'. And she was like: 'OH MY GOD, that is it!!"
Me, I do on beforehand worry when I go to a party, I worry about 'what If these people don't like me, all those people are going to judge me, how do I act'. So that really made me think that I might have aspergers. When I am with someone else (except for my dad, family and really good friends) I always think of 'how to act' and 'say the right thing'.


Thanks for responding!
Stimming... I don't really think I stim. I sometimes twitch my fingers but I rarely do that.. perhaps 5 times a year or something Nothing else really. Is it true that when you stim, you have to be completely absorbed into the act of stimming?
The lights... hmm... Well, I don't think I have any real problems there. I do remember that I was on a train a month ago and I noticed that the lights subtally started flickering. I wondered if I was the only one that noticed this. So.. I don't really know because I don't know because I don't know what the average 'sensitivity' to light is. I don't know who/what to compare it to. But if I had to judge, I would say that I don't have any problems with lights.
Tastes and textures... Well I used to hate mushrooms because of their texture, I refused to eat them for a couple of years. But a year ago I tried them again and thought: 'they are actually quite nice'. So now I like them. The same goes for olives. I used to hate the taste, now I love them (especially black ones, the greens are too sour ) Other than that.. I wouldn't say I have any particular food dislikes or interests. I like most things when they are well cooked



Thanks for your response!
I like this website because now I can read about people's experiences. (and relate to them). It's more valuable for me than most NT websites that just give a list of aspergers syndromes. Here I can read about personal experiences and profiles. It shows me how aspergers syndrome can be expressed so differently in so many different people!



Thanks for your reaction!
Well, I asked my dad a little about my early childhood since I don't remember everything. He said I loved having people around me, that I would easily make friends. He said he noticed a difference between me and my brother. My brother (PDD NOS) was very well able to play alone with his toy trains in a corner.. alone. I always wanted people to come and join me, play games with me. I used to dance in the streets, radiated happiness. My eyecontact was good. I didn't have obsessive interests (dad and aunt say). My dad said I sometimes went along with my friends wishes, but that I could also be very dominant. I sometimes took the lead. I remember that I was in a friendship with 2 girls (I think I was 9/10 years old), and one of the girls moms complained to my dad that I was too 'dominant'. One of the girls was jealous of me and felt I was 'stealing away' the other girl. but that wasn't what I wanted at all. I just wanted to be friends with them both. Later on the jealous girl got diagnosed with a personality disorder.
And from what I remember I prefered playing with people that were in my age group, some were a little older and some a little younger. But in general I've always had friends within my own age group. I was always invited to events with other people. None of the people that I was friends with in primary school are still my friends. I 'lost quite' a lot of the friendships I once had in highschool but I don't know if that is strange because I think a lot of people do. I think I messed up some of the friendships I had in high school but then again I don't know if that is 'non-typical'. And I don't know in how many cases it was my fault or theirs.


Thanks!