please help. young wife of an aspie.

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any advice is really appreciated. this is mostly a huge vent, considering i have no one else to talk to about this. no one else understands or believes or seems to care. sorry it will be so long.

my hub is 24 and im 23. we were married in 2011. and i self diagnosed him almost 2 years ago. were both 100% sure that he has AS, which explains why the millions of doctors and shrinks couldnt figure out what was wrong with him. me researching his conditions was the best thing that ever happened to him, his words. He finally understood his whole life and why he isthe way he is.

i love my husband dearly and we have been through SO much already and I have never left his side. He had an extremely rough childhood (group homes, suicide attempts, mental hospitals) you name it. So there's a lot of junk he has that hes trying to let God take care of, but still has lots of pain, which will help explain the rest maybe.

the problem is im really starting to loose hope of things ever getting better for him and us. as great and hard of a worker he has, he is always bullied or has meltdowns and quits jobs. He's probably had close to 20 jobs since we started out. I've had 3. I've worked 2 jobs while in school to support us. We have been at our lowest financial place ever. Close to being poor and homeless despite the fact of us both looking for work and me working double shifts everyday.

so thats not my problem. I can get through that part because i love him and I know that one day (very soon actually) he will start his own small business and we will be okay. i will graduate in may with my bachelors if i can stick with this. the problem is the meltdowns and the anger and the verbal attacks when he's stressed, which is so often.

everytime another job falls through or we go to the store for groceries or even go visit family, there is ALWAYS a meltdown when we get home. And I am at the recieving end of ALL of his anger and frustrations. lots of lots of painful nights of sleeping alone.

im not trying to bash my husband. I'm just looking for some hope. I have faith in Jesus Christ and I know he will get us through this, I just grow weary at times. I'm in the process of getting his diagnosed and maybe thinking of meds and some financial help, and doing everything I can to educate every close minded human in his life that he has aspergers. I just hope things get better and dont keep getting worse like they have been.

any other wives out there secretly wish they husband was normal so that he wouldn;t have to hurt so much? my husband stresses so much that he has heart pains at 24 years old

Im not a wife with a husband with aspergers but instead I'm the female with self diagnosed aspergers (considering seeking diagnosis in my own time) who has a partner who is trying to sort through the feelings that come along with figuring this out.

I don't know if this is the case for your situation but I know in my relationship a lot of the time when I feel overwhelmed and panicky it comes across as me being angry at my partner and my partner starts accusing me of being mean and I just become lost not knowing how to act because what I'm feeling is not being expressed as I am trying to express it. I will be desperately trying to escape stressful situations or communicate my needs but because it is misinterpreted and misunderstood my partner ends up having hurt feelings. So we have been working on this and so far we have had slight improvements (with me explaining my experiences when Im calm so he doesnt feel so hurt when they occur and with me making a conscious effort in these situations to be as careful with his feelings as I can). If it is a different situation completely in your case you may have slightly different actions to take (maybe external help) but I think working on understanding each others perspective is important.

I'm not an expert as far as work goes but I think that many people who have trouble because of social problems can do a little better if they are able to apply special interests and any skills to the work place so hopefully he will find his niche.

I don't know your husband but from what you've written you seem to really love him. I can imagine that learning about this might be difficult but I think its important to remember that he is still the same person you knew prior to discovering this. Also, you've likely been reading about all of the negatives (which tend to be used to diagnose) but your partner, like any other human, is a good mix of positive and negative. Try to keep the positive in mind and maybe get creative in finding solutions to both of your problems and who knows what the future will hold!

Also, I just thought I would mention that I got my partner the book "22 things a woman with aspergers syndrome wants her partner to know" and he found it helpful. I know there is a book for females with a aspergers partner which I haven't read yet but it is by the same author titled "22 things a woman must know if she loves a man with asperger's syndrome". You may have heard of them already but I just thought I would mention them.

I don't think personal attacks on your life partner is a healthy thing. This happens whether the person has Asperger's or not. There could be the issue of your husband not knowing he is attacking you personally, or you may be perceiving what he is saying as an attack. Then again he could be lashing out at the easiest target in his life because he is hurting or angry. This lashing out is done by people both on and off the autism spectrum.

I am a married woman with Asperger's Syndrome. My husband could be on the autistic spectrum, but he is undiagnosed. He is diagnosed with OCD. Our marriage is incredibly supportive and loving. We try to not deliberately hurt each other. When we are overwhelmed with emotion, we think about it in a logical manner and discuss the issues rationally. I wrote this second paragraph to detail my history, and how we approach marriage. This of course should be taken as an anecdotal history of 1 couple dealing with asperger's.

Perhaps finding a good counselor would be a good step to take. Make sure the counselor is competent and fits with your personality. I wish you luck.

I'm self-diagnosed Aspie, but my hubby actually has more melt-downs, blow-ups and more intense symptoms than I do (he's diagnosed Bi-polar and on meds for that, but I suspect he has more going on).

I deal with it by looking past appearances to the root factor, and by calling him on it when he's out of line. I'll usually call him on it at the moment, and then after he calms down, we discuss better ways to communicate feelings.

When I feel like I'm about to blow up/melt down, I find deliberately stimming helps greatly. My favorites are spinning (I have a spot by the kitchen sink where I can securely hold on if I get to feeling too dizzy), rocking, and hot foods. Also, weighted blankets work wonders for me. I've heard a vigorous workout sometimes helps as well.

It might be an idea for him to experiment with stimming and use that to help him reduce his stress before he looses it.

_________________
If it don't come easy . . . .
. . . .hack it until it works right

Aspie score: 142/200 NT score: 64/200
AQ Score: 42
BAP: 109 aloof, 94 rigid and 85 pragmatic

(I am not a wife, and am most certainly not female, but my two-cents)
While I do not want to sound condescending, venting is kind of a good thing. Not on you - or ideally not on anyone - but frustration needs to come out somehow. Meltdowns are even worse because it feels like your brain will rip apart if you try to suppress it. Perhaps you two can find someway to place the anger somewhere else? Physical exercise, punching bags, chopping down trees, and so on. Calming exercises before (and maybe after) going some place may help to drop the stress meter. For example, salt baths (I never do these because they are boring), surrounding/wearing blue things, or punching the air as fast as possible until you are exhausted. However, it depends on the person. Some "relaxing things" can make me pretty irritable, while others make me perfectly willing to go out and give group hugs. And on the bright side - at least he has not been accused of being under demonic influence and been put through something just short of an exorcism (or for the most part told that he is faking it because he wants to be thought of as different when that failed - I understand the whole close minded aspect of things, unfortunately many people have the "You've got problems? Suck it up and deal with it" mentality). Replace negative-short term outlook with a positive-future targeted equivalent (Frustration to Determination). Thus the energy spent on being upset is changed into one of productivity.

Also, I should mention, God is kind of funny. I sometimes imagine he is an Aspie himself because he does tend to take things literally and very seriously, is often misunderstood, and does not talk to people very much. Like when someone says "Help Me" - it is kind of "Help you how?" (And if you do something like ask for patience, your entire life will be turned upside down until you learn it). He will never put someone through something more than they can handle - everything we go through is ideally supposed to make who we are. If something is not working, learn from it, then try something else. Once more, we are given other people in our lives. Your husband is VERY lucky to have you. Many people do not have that. And sorry if this is sounded like a mini-sermon.

As for hope - I would highly recommend you read about George Muller. He was not an Aspie (or has anything remotely similar to do with it), but if you want inspiration in prayer and trusting God, nothing compares.

Congratulations by the way on his business!

I wouldn't rely on God, or any sort of entity to take care of my problems for me, I would be doing things for myself to make me better/ happier.

It sounds like he needs someone to talk to, preferably not someone he knows well, because that might prevent him digging around where he needs to. Therapy can be a big help in regards to unburdening one self, but it can also be painful having to relive certain memories. It's not for everyone, and in some cases it can harm rather than help.
Has he been back to see a professional after discovering who he likely is? (an aspie)
It would probably help him more if he see's someone for specific problems. Maybe they can help with troubling traits that might make life difficult for him.

Have you showed him this community, also? It might help him being amongst those who are similar to him, I can only speak for myself, but It's been difficult spending my life in a bubble, unaware that there are people like me connecting with one another.

His problems (which are also your problems) will not go away on their own, if he is having trouble coping and taking it out on you, he needs some sort of professional support.

I'm a Christian male who is in the process of figuring out if he does or does not have Asperger's. I am able to keep a job for a long time (5 years at the current one), but sometimes it can be difficult dealing with my emotions too. I have learned to "power through" them, but it doesn't make them go away or lessen the pain. I wish I had known about Asperger's sooner as it makes so many other things about my life make sense. One of them is my issues with anxiety and anger. I used to think of them as being related to nothing more than perhaps depression. Now I know differently. Your husband is fortunate though as he is getting assessed early enough in adulthood to make a big difference. When he goes to be assessed, make sure the doctor knows about the issues with anger and anxiety. They may be able to give him medication to help him deal with those issues.

I've been in a somewhat similar situation for almost 29 years! The exclamation point is for my own surprise that it's lasted this long. But he has gotten better, gradually, both in recognizing what triggers his meltdowns and in his case finding what food allergens he is a lot better off without.

If he can't limit the damage to you when he has an aggressive meltdown (by leaving the house immediately till he's calmed down or stopping the car so you can stay in the car and he can get out and scream away from you), for example) you have to leave him. This is from lifelong experience as the daughter of such a man and as the (former) wife of such a man.

Life is too short for the kind of goals you've set yourself ("educating" everyone he comes in contact with all his life is also unrealistic), the amount of work you're facing is humongous and you're not leaving any energies to cope with a few young kids. You're mothering him (why are YOU getting him a diagnosis and meds and benefits?), enabling him, and overall setting both of you and your future kids up for disaster. Again, from my tragic experience.

He won't turn into a bread-winner soon enough to support kids - you're facing being the only source of income, long-term.

I think you may be trying to justify to yourself your fear of leaving this co-dependent relationship by misinterpreting/distorting the sacrifices expected from you by your religion.

Leave it to him to improve his life and focus your energies on improving yours - that's the only chance you have at an improvement, either for the relationship, or for both of you separately.

And if anyone around you is trying to convince you to sacrifice your life for his in the name of religion or whatever, recognize it for the unfair manipulation it is and limit your exposure to those people.

Hello there...I self diagnosed my husband with Aspergers as well, and we just had this confirmed by a professional a couple of weeks ago. I found out in the process of doing research that I actually have it as well (which is why my husband and I were so drawn to each other, I believe) ... my husband is not the "melt-down" kind of Aspie, but I am, and I feel like I can relate to your husbands view point as far as my behavior towards my spouse is concerned. I have frequent melt downs and he is 100% at the receiving end of them as well. I feel like the worlds worst wife most of the time, and I am trying so hard to find some kind of behavioral therapy or figure out what helps, etc. but similar to your situation, no one seems to believe us or care at all, even my therapist doesn't believe me (although I finally convinced her to humor me and give me some kind of evaluation). I try to explain to my husband what helps me to have less melt downs, but he's so oblivious all of the time (because of his own issues) that he rarely does anything to make it any easier on me.

What I've been doing lately, is simply trying to figure out what throws me into a melt down, and avoid it (or do it in a way that is less stressful to me). Before I learned that I have AS, I would deny that there was a problem, which obviously didn't make it go away...but now that I've accepted it, I'm able to figure out what works and what doesn't. This is helping slowly, but we really are just in the beginning stages of trying to figure this all out. For example, I've just come to understand that routines and lists are very important to me, and if I cannot have my routine in place for whatever reason, I need time to mentally prepare for the change in routine. For whatever reason, this reduces my stress and keeps me from melting down as frequently. Another one is that when I wear ear plugs when my son is crying, I am less likely to melt down. I suspect that we'll find a hundred little things that I can do to reduce the likely hood of a melt down, and hopefully I'll eventually figure out some kind of a way to have melt downs that do not result in my hurting my husbands feelings in the process.

I'm not sure if any of that helps you or not...I really wish there were more resources available for married couples in these types of situations, I know that we could sure use some help! I do think that there's hope for you though, and I think that once you find a few things that show some positive results, you'll feel encouraged to keep on "putting your hand to the plow".

it sounds like his heart pains are anxiety related. i guess he needs to find a way to relieve the stress that anxiety causes. try eating really healthy and exercise if he doesn't already. does he understand that it is totally unacceptable regardless of disability?

chances are he has no one else to vent to dont take it personally