My heart used to feel good. I did get easily frightened, but I also felt joy and love, and I felt it in my heart.
For about nine months I abused cocaine, and I felt most of the pleasure there, in my heart.
Now I live in pain every day. I keep seeing stars and lines on walls disappearing and reappearing. I feel an acute sting in my heart every now and then. Sometimes I retch, usually when I'm making what I might call an "ugly face". (Hope that doesn't scare anyone.)
I once had a nightmare in which a girl I had a crush on in high school beat me up. I felt a pang in my heart after I looked at myself in a mirror back in that school. When I woke up my heart was in severe pain, it felt weak and fragile, like it was dying. I tried to go to school that morning, but I was so nauseous that I had to take the bus right back home.
If I live in pain, and I "want it all to go away", does that mean I've lost my will to live? If so, is my heart beating "for pain" on every beat? Is that why I'm having all these symptoms?
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Sixteen
essays so far.
Like a drop of blood in a tank of flesh-eating piranhas, a new idea never fails to arouse the wrath of herd prejudice.