Advice for A Friend

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Hello Everyone.

I’ve read the rules and I hope no one minds me posting but I am in need of some advice and I’m not sure where to turn to. It’s a bit of a long story but I will try to make it as concise as possible.
Please note that I am neurotypical and very uneducated in everything under the spectrum. I have no one in my family nor close personal friends to talk about this sort of thing so forgive and correct me if I make any missteps or use incorrect terminology. This relates (Maybe?) to special interests? I’m not certain, but here it goes.

I have a friend who is on the Autism spectrum. We have been friends for years but don’t often touch on the topic of their Autism except for a few times here and there, mostly coupled with their apologies for strange behavior. We met on a gaming forum and have been friends for 6 years. We talk often though we don’t live in the same area. We talk mostly online.

Over the past few years I have noticed a growing obsession with a certain topic. It’s encompassed and dominated conversations. It’s a topic I have very little knowledge or interest in. They ask the same few questions over and over and over again, perhaps worded a bit differently in order to entice me to answer again and again.

These obsessive questions were endless and made me super uncomfortable and uneasy to the point of me nearly being in tears. Each time we would talk it would just be on X topic, no matter how I tried to steer the conversation or give vague answers. I told them that these things makes me upset eventually when I couldn’t take it anymore and now my own anxiety makes me shut down whenever the topic gets close in conversation.

It’s gotten a tiny bit better. But I feel like he barters our friendship and games in order to get me to talk about this ‘forbidden’ topic. We ‘compromise’ but it makes me so upset that I’ve told him that this upsets me but he insists on talking about this, or he says that we’ll game/hangout, only if we talk about this topic at X time, or for x length of conversation.

Now it’s spreading. I’ve stopped answering these same questions over and over so he’s adding friends of mine online, my spouse and my friend’s spouses that they hardly know and is asking them these same questions! It’s weird and they seem to talk about nothing else unless it’s some quick small talk to get down to ‘the questions’. If we ignore the questions, they apologize and change the subject till we answer, then go back to the bad topic. It’s gotten to the point where he’s asking friends spouses that they’ve never met. Then they tell him not to tell me, or there other so we don’t squabble (I don’t know what they mean by that) and I have all this pressure on me getting questions like “Why are they doing this? Why is this all they talk about?”

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to upset them. I don’t want them to feel bad or shunned or thought poorly of but this has to stop. I don’t want to tell them that “we’ve had enough, please stop.” I want to be understanding and I don’t want them to know that the rest of us have been talking about how weird and intrusive this all is. My friend is a good person and I don’t want to lose them. I just can’t play this game anymore.

What do I do, guys? Am I in the wrong? Please help
-HJ

As long as it is done in a respectful way, you have a right to set limits. It's an important skill, one of the basic boundary setting skills. We can use it not only to set limits with others, but also signal where our limits are, and if people don't know where are limits are, then they have a harder time respecting them. So you need to speak up in a respectful way. It could be something like, "John, I have reached my limit listening to this topic, I know it matters to you, though I would appreciate it if you discussed it with others instead of me from now on".

Some AS people have special interests, some don't, but someone whose one special interest is their only interest needs to become aware of difficulties like yours, as long as it is communicated in a sincere and respectful way, and not as a personal attack on the person (which I am sure you wouldn't do). You sound very respectful and polite, and self-assertion may seem or feel strange to you at first, so both you and your friend may face different learning curves here, and even if progress is slow at first, it's still progress.

If your friend persists after your first request, make a second, and so on. Set a time limit in advance of how long you will wait for change. If no change occurs, then it will be time for you to consider whether the issue is a deal breaker.

You don’t have to answer the questions if you don’t want to.

If your friend doesn’t like that, tough nuggies.

First, it’s the questions. Next, it will be something else more serious.

Kraftiekortie is right, you don't have to answer the friend if you don't want to. B19's advice is spot on as well. The one thing that I'd add is try to be as specific and non-vague in your feedback to your friend as possible.

Telling your friend "I don't like to talk about this" could be confusing. I know it seems like it should make sense, but it's possible to interpret that as "I need to make this topic more appealing to others when I talk about it". Explaining that you don't want to talk about it, or don't want to talk about it as much, and others feel the same way. Then provide examples of behavior that you'd be more comfortable with, maybe other topics like the games you play for example. I think if you stay respectful as B19 points out that you seem, but are direct about what is wrong and ways that might help fix it, that it'll go a long way.

Goo luck with your friend!

Thank you for your advice, everyone. It's going to be a bit of a struggle but I am going to wait for a good opening to speak with my friend. I hope it all goes well and that no feelings get hurt. That's my biggest worry.

Infinitenull - I didn't realize that it could be misinterpreted in such a way. That is a good thing to take into consideration. I am always so careful in how I speak to people, that I often say things such as issues like these so gently that it can be ignored or taken incorrectly.

b19- I want nothing more than to be respectful. I would never shout or make a point to hurt someone's feelings which is why I am so cautious about all this. Self-assertion has never been a strong suit of mine. I don't want to be a dealbreaker for our friendship but its put so much strain on me that I have to put my foot down somewhere I guess.

Thank you all for your very insightful responses. I was pretty hesitant posting for advice but your community had been a wonderful asset.

I am glad that you have found some strength over this. One thing I had best add is to make your request in direct terms rather than hints. Hints are too confusing and easily misinterpreted. Another thing, it may be easier to start the conversation (when you are ready) with reassurance: "John, I want us to remain friends; however there is something I need to tell you".

all the best

Hi Haven,

I am glad to see that you're getting the ideas you need to know how to improve your friendship with your friend! It's fun to help people understand and approach problems in order to solve them.

One of the most impact changes in my life and areas where I ask for support from those around me is in telling people to be as direct as possible with their feedback. The neurotical intuitive feeling of this would be that being very direct would make it more painful to receive feedback. Typical people need the blow of criticisms softened so that their feelings aren't hurt.

(Below is personal experience, YMMV... I am still getting used to asking for support and have only been doing it for a couple of months)
I've started to figure out that for me, when someone tries to soften feedback by not being as direct what happens is I only get the feedback that I've done something wrong, but I cant interpret the "what" that's in the subtext. This actually leaves me feeling worse than I would if I was told very directly "You talk too much about commercial aviation" (one of my interests). "I don't like talking about that topic, but I do like talking about psychology and computers" (two of my other interests).

Not only would I not feel any emotional pain from this feedback, but I'd literally take it for what it's worth and just start talking about something else. I might struggle a bit in the future, forget a few times, and start rattling on about the progress of the launch of the 747-8 or the new 737-max etc.... but a quick reminder would get me back on track, and I'd probably apologize and start chatting about the things that the other person finds more interesting.