Meltdown or emotional problem?

Post Reply New Topic

So I have a friend who I have been explaining autism to and he has been very understanding so far. However, the other day I had him over and I think it ultimately ended in some kind of meltdown. He knows I like him and we had this agreement to hang out as friends to see if something develops...

When he came over the other day, first I found out we were on a time limit this time, and it made me feel rushed, but I acted like it was okay. Then I found out he was doing the same activity with a mutual friend of ours, suddenly our bonding time felt cheapened, I still acted like it was okay.

Then, I made it all MUCH worse for myself. That day was the day I had decided to explain AS and connections to people, and why they are so difficult. To explain it caused me physical pain in my heart, but I wanted him to know and understand it, but then anxiety crept up. I got stuck in the dreaded thought loop, and kept going back to the subject. I began to get hysterical, and panicking inside my head that I wasn't feeling him, when we were in fact connecting and sharing. He asked me "where are all of these feelings coming from?" I shook it off as something I only think about a lot. I think that was about the point of no return, because we did eventually get off the subject, but of course I couldn't stop thinking about it now. Now I was wallowing in feelings of loneliness and disconnection, and at the same time trying pay attention to a new subject, unaware of what was actually happening.

Time came for him to leave and things were still good between us, though I was screaming on the inside. Then of course I ruined everything, irrationally fearing that if I didn't do something I was going to suffer more anxiety. I had this half-baked idea to see if he would kiss me before leaving, but I can't read too much body language, and I subconsciously fell back on just talking about it like any other communication issue and kind of went in a different direction. I went back on our agreement and straight up asked him where we were relationship-wise... this was a completely irrational thing to do because it was only the second time we had spent any time alone together. Looking back, he had tried warning me earlier that he didn't want to think about dating just yet but it didn't register with me and I couldn't stop myself. I kind of made him say that there was no hope for us even though he was trying to say maybe in the future. Ugh. Uncertainty is just too scary for an aspie.

Now I would give anything to take it back, I asked that question way too soon, but I guess in my meltdown state I was desperate to control the situation.

TL;DR. In short, here is what happened.
*A few events came up that made me feel less in control.
*A painful subject came up that propelled anxiety.
*Nonsensical attempts for control that probably destroyed my friendship.

Was it a meltdown though? I do not ever get violent or try to harm myself, but I have been victim to shutdowns all of my life. Or was it some kind of emotional breakdown non-AS related? I hadn't explained meltdowns to him yet but I don't want him to think I'm just blaming it and everything on AS. I really just don't know what to do now. I have been searching for websites that describe the kind of meltdown I had so I can share it with him, but nothing really seems to fit, this is why I am questioning what it is.

Increasing anxiety, panic, screaming inside, uncertainty, inappropriate attempt to "control", despite knowing its inappropriate.

I'd call it a meltdown. If you're looking to call it something else, start with "panic attack".

I can easily go to the place you went, for the same reasons, but never throw things nor head bang.

Inability to process emotional input - story of my life...

Put meltdown into the search box at the top of the page.

I've done that so many times that I have lost count. And apparently I can't stop doing it as I did it this weekend too. I knew I shouldn't push someone on the subject of where our relationship was going, but I had this all consuming urge to know where I stood and the more I thought it over in my head the more anxious I became and the more I've not been able to sleep because of anxiety. So through lots of bouts of silence I eventually got my feelings out, and then felt awful because I thought I'd rushed ahead and was worried that he might decide not to bother with me because he didn't feel the same. As it happens it didn't end horribly this time, and though I'm not certain that he feels as strongly as me, it has actually made things better as I'm happier now that I'm less anxious and this has made things better between us

I'm not sure I'd call it a meltdown, I meltdown as well and that is quite different for me. But you are totally right uncertainty is just too scary for an aspie and I have ruined many a good thing because I need to know something. But that was all prior to realising that I was an aspie, now I just tell people that I have issues and that I find things hard to deal with. I don't always say it's cos I think I have aspergers, that's why I say I have issues, I think people just think I've got issues from previous relationships etc and they tend to leave it at that.

When I have a severe meltdown I tend to stop talking to people. I shut myself away from people or I go about destroying friendships in order to be alone. I then try and throw myself into a special interest. This might happen when I split up with someone. In a medium meltdown I might stop talking to people for a few weeks, sleep as much as I can, be more subdued in my conversations at work. This might happen if I am stressed with uni work or I've had a big disagreement with a friend. In a minor meltdown I would just have to go somewhere to be alone. I would stim and avoid talking to people as it tends to get me stressed. I usually try and go to sleep. I might have a minor meltdown because I've made a mistake at work, or forgotten about something (like when I forgot to go to my sons parents evening) To be honest I rarely have minor meltdowns, it's the big ones that tend to sneak up on me because I don't realise that I'm being irrational and I get irritated that people don't understand me, I never realised until recently that I was different, so when people treated me differently than I was expecting I got really disappointed and that would lead to a meltdown