Processing Triggers????

Post Reply New Topic

I am a bit confused and a little frustrated too and hope there are suggestions... I have noticed this with both my boyfriend and my 13 year old son but it resolves much faster with my boyfriend and doesn't go on for weeks at a time.

Things will go well for a period of time. Communication is smooth, expectations are understood, tasks are completed correctly. Things don't seem to be difficult or confusing. Then those same tasks seem impossible and I don't see anything that could be a trigger for the change. I will use my son as an example because with him it is more drasticly noticeable.

He will come home and do homework, get a snack, put his dishes in the dishwasher, take out the trash, offer extra help, chat with us, leave the bathroom clean, put dirty clothes in the hamper or at least if he doesn't when I say "hey will you put those in the hamper" he says sure and does it. Then after weeks of this I will go in the bathroom to find he has peed all over the seat, left the shower curtain out of the tub when showering and the floor is all wet, my towel is off the hook all wet, half eaten food on his floor, candy wrappers, dirty clothes, TEN assignments not done and turned in for school and attitude. I discuss it all nicely... no change.. I ask him to tell me why.. "I don't know" attitude, frustration on his part.. as if he has no clue what the big deal is. I can say "hey, will you toss those clothes in the hamper" he just stares at them... three four five times of asking nicely then "SERIOUSLY.. put them in the hamper NOW. Did you not hear me ask you 5 times already" from me and he acts like I am crazy for being frustrated. This is beyond "regular teen stuff" I can't convey the emotion or feelings in type but I can celarly see the difference. This all comes in waves or cycles but I can't figure out what they are. There are no triggers I see as obvious. I got notices yesterday he has gone from 96% in two classes to 40%. 9 weeks at A's 4 weeks of failing and he can do the work so there is no educational reason for the grades and there is not too much work etc.. His school is specifically for kids with processing issues and they are well equiped to work with his needs and are not sure why he has just "quit" doing his independant work. He does fine when they stand next to him. He is going to his dad's for the weekend and I am seriously relieved. I personally need a minute to breath. I don't want to be frustrated by his behavior because it only makes our issues worse but as much as I am trying I am still overwhelmed and frustrated.

With my boyfriend these "waves" seem much milder. He will get confused and need a little more explanation and will forget to do things. Or he will question the obvious. Such as I will say "did you get a chance to get something to eat?" and he will say "what do you mean?" ummmm.... well... But with him it is easier because I can figure it out faster. I can just reword it.. are you hungry? Simple. I can also see is triggers more often. SO I am assuming this is a AS trait.

If it is an AS trait is the severity based more on how severe the AS is for a person or is it something of a life skill.. as you get older and learn life lessons it is easier to work through?

What kinds of things trigger this for "you"?

What would help you work through it faster?

I think you have to be careful to differentiate between intelligence (he's smart enough to do the work) and executive function (he has the ability to consistently plan and execute the work) because they aren't even remotely the same for aspies. The fact that he can complete his work when someone is watching over him suggests that he's having trouble with planning or initiation or some other aspect of executive function.

Regarding the triggers coming in waves, I know that I'm better able to function at some times than others. If I'm stressed, for example by a change in routine, my functional abilities will go all to hell. I'll drop things, lock myself out of the house, nearly get in car accidents, leave heaps of dishes in the sink and do all sorts of things that I'd normally not do because my mind is simply not focusing well on daily tasks. Sometimes life just feels really really hard to cope with on the simplest levels.

When one of the waves hits for your son, it might actually help if you could be more understanding rather than yelling at him more to try to motivate him or get him to pay attention. The more you get on him for not doing things, the worse his stress level might be, leading to more "absent mindedness" in a vicious cycle.

I know it's very frustrating for you as a mom, but if your son doesn't understand why his behavior is deteriorating, it's probably ten times more frustrating for him.

Just a thought. Or two.

[quote="0utsideLookingIn"]I think you have to be careful to differentiate between intelligence (he's smart enough to do the work) and executive function (he has the ability to consistently plan and execute the work) because they aren't even remotely the same for aspies. The fact that he can complete his work when someone is watching over him suggests that he's having trouble with planning or initiation or some other aspect of executive function.
quote]

How do I help the planning and initiation?

A big part of my personal frustration is that I KNOW he is smart enough. He is brilliant! I had never even considered Executive Function. How do I work with that? I completely understand what you are saying, but these downswings can last weeks. I WANT to be more understanding I truly do... I could let some of the things go.. laundry, half eaten food.. But school work and peeing on the toilet seat are a tad beyond my control. I can not keep myself from the emotional flair any more than you can tell yourself not to have a functioning episode. There is a lot of stress placed on me... which really isn't important to the questions here but just an explanation that this is not the only issue I have to work with and it really is difficult to just turn off an emotion because I want to. Though I have found that learning things here helps me not feel those emotions so strongly.

After I posted my question I started thinking about what changed in his life from halloween until now??? He was doing so great and our home had never been more peaceful and comfortable (been working on communications with my Aspie boyfriend too so all around good stuff going on) The only thing I can come up with is he has recently started making real friends at his school and has a girlfriend too. It is a group of 4 and they actually want to do things outside of school which is all new for him too. His buddy has spend entire weekends with us every other weekend and is such a joy to have around and my son and he get along well. There are always little mouthy issues on those Monday's but nothing major or that even really make me angry. Last weekend was his girlfriend's birthday. Her mom planned a full day of activities and they had so much fun.. then they all went to teen skate night and his buddy spent all weekend. Great right? He got to do what ever he wanted, hang with friends, no chores, just have a little freedom... I thought this was great but he has been awful ever since and you are right, the more I get upset the worse he gets. I don't start out yelling (I don't yell exactly but I do raise my voice) but I get overloaded too. This morning I calmly told him why I was upset and what I needed and gave him the chance to speak his mind even if he didn't agree with me. His opinion is that I way over react. So what if he gets bad grades, it is not the end of the world and it is no big deal he leaves food in his room or pees on the seat. I had to break it all down calmly.. that if he got bad grades because he was unable to do his work it would be ok, but not even bothering to try is upsetting because I pay a lot of money I don't have for that school and do without a lot of my needs (medication, food, doctors apts though I didn't tell him those things as it is unfair for a kid to know that. I told him hair color, shoes without holes, clothes etc)... that food in his room brings in roaches and an exterminatior bill, and peeing on the seat is just nasty when I sit in it and the 2 year old is about to start potty training and wont know to not touch it.

He will be gone to his dad's for the weekend then back monday then gone again until the following monday while school is out for the holiday. So between now and then I hope to have a new plan in place. I know I can't prevent these times in his life but I could use some help speeding up the process of working through them. I don't want to not allow him time with his friends or make him feel he is being punished by not allowing weekend sleep overs, but maybe I have to limit that part. Maybe skating on Saturday night is ok and a one night sleep over. Maybe a printed checklist in the bathroom. We had issues with the shower and every night we would have the same discussion "Mom, can I take a shower?" "Sure, how do you do it?" and he would sort of go through a checklist. This didn't seem to bother him at all. Do I just need a check list for everything? Any advice will be helpful.

Having survived raising a teenager, I really feel your pain. There were days when I didn't think my I was going to get through with my sanity in tact.

Some things that you might find helpful, in sort of random order . . . Even as an adult, I sometimes need to be reminded many times to do something before it clicks and becomes a habit. It does help for me to know why someone wants me to do something a certain way. If I'm not told, I often can't make the mental leap to figure out why something is important to someone else and so just don't bother doing it. And I'm 43, so this is probably much worse for a teenage boy.

Maybe he does need more checklist type things. If he isn't bothered by going over a checklist for certain activities and it helps him get things done the way you'd like/in a responsible way, then it's probably worth the effort. It may also help to have set routines. Like he puts his clothes in the hamper right after showering or in the morning before leaving for school or whatever works best for the two of you. I'm much more likely to remember to do the things that are part of my daily routine and to have trouble getting things done that don't seem to fit in a logical place in my day. When he's doing well, does he do things in a certain order or at a certain time of day?

Personally, I'm as likely to be triggered by too much fun as too much stress. If having friends and a girlfriend is new, your son might not know how to pace himself. A sudden jump in interaction, even if it's fun interaction, might be exhausting his resources and leaving little left for remembering/taking care of the things he needs to do at home.

Maybe the teenage attitude is his way of covering for the fact that he's struggling to handle everything that's happening? If he's really excited about having friends, he could be reluctant to admit that they're wearing him out. Or he may not connect the two, even. Your idea of putting some limits on his friend time sounds like a good one. I wouldn't present it as punishment so much as moderation.

You sound like you're trying really hard to do the best you can for him while expecting him to behave like a responsible family member, which is awesome. I know it's crazy hard to raise a teenager, especially when it sounds like you've got a lot of other things on your plate. I hope some of this is helpful. Everyone is different and I'm not a teenage boy, but maybe you can draw some connections from my ramblings.

Your advice is VERY helpful. The difficult part for me is not his behavior but the frustration in not knowing how to work with it. With both my son and boyfriend even though I loved them they drove me crazy with some of their "things". Once I realized they were Aspie (son officially DX, BF... not sure... I am 100% sure he is, he has acknowledged all of his traits but has never used a term for it and so I have not asked) things got so much better. When I realized I needed to say things a certain way, or explain my behavior or even reword something such as the example earlier "did you get a chance to get something to eat?" to "are you hungry" when he is having a difficult time I was happy. I don't mind altering myself or how I do things. I don't really care how we get there as long as we get there. But this has been beyond my comprehension. At least now I feel armed with some things to try.

You are right too about his "teen tude" being a bit of a cover up. I can not tell you how many times I have said "quit giving me that attitude" for him to reply "I'm not" and I know me means it. So often these traits seem like "typical teen" and it is hard to discuss with those who do not know from the inside out that it is not. I can't explain how I know... but it is just obvious to me when he is behaving as a typical teen and when there is something more there. Identifying is not difficult.... fixing is where I get stuck.