Trying to get a diagnosis, once you've entered into your late forties, is not just daunting, it's damned near impossible. Things were getting hypercritical, and I needed some sort of explanation as to why. All of the online tests and quizzes pointed towards ASD. There was the doctor who, when I was a child, told my mother that I was going to have very "tunneled" interests and should be private schooled (which ended up being a parochial hell the one year I attended). The stress, the panic attacks, the brain lock-ups.
The diagnosis was always "clinical depression with GAD".
My job was not making anything better. The one task I was initially hired to do I did exceptionally well, helping clients with tech issues. However, due in no small part to layoffs elsewhere in the company (a major bank and investment house), our team slowly was integrated into regular customer service as well. This meant suddenly changing gears between calls, and the simple fact is that banking and investment calls outnumber website related issues something like 10 to 1.
Then there were the other issues. Here in the US, we have the FMLA. It is supposed to protect you in the event you have to miss too much time due to health issues. I have one already that can be debilitating (migraines), plus two more that are problematic. But while FMLA is supposed to protect you, I suspect that it makes things worse in a way. I applied for an internal job to which I was far more suited. I was told, however, that the hiring manager knew of my problems and wanted someone to be there 100%. Needless to say, I did not get the job.
And it gets worse.
The young supervisor who was appointed to our team, half my age, suddenly seemed to be gunning for me. My calls were suddenly being monitored more, as if being scoured. One of my migraine triggers is perfume, and the young woman who sat next to me sold the stuff; I asked to be moved. He hemmed and hawed and said "mmm, no can do."
He moved on, being a company wunderkind.
My next supervisor moved me within 30 minutes of my requesting.
Still, it wasn't enough. Too many things, too many changes and tasks, I was fumbling and was frequently having shutdowns.
Finally, in July, I broke down.
Between the challenges at work and at home, I was overwhelmed.
I went on a leave in hopes of getting some help.
They performed an MRI to eliminate neurological issues. They changed my meds. Finally, I go to work with a very young psychiatric nurse practitioner, right out of school, who informed me that an ASD diagnosis at this point in my life would accomplish nothing.
So, they put me on more meds.
None of which helped.
I returned to work, for a few weeks, but the pressure at work was increasing. My original job was being moved to a team of "specialists", some of whom I trained. I was not going to be amongst them. The supervisor who did work with me quit before I returned. And my NP psychiatrist informed me that ultimately they were only really interested in getting me integrated back into work.
I haven't returned.
I won't. The problems have not been resolved.
I have started seeing a counselor who knew me as a child, and when asked if he thought I did, he said, "in all probability."
At least, we're moving in the right direction now.
Rob
31 Jan 2013, 10:03 pm
