shame when trying to improve

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I have a lot of trouble with executive function. Lately I've been trying to do more to help improve my executive function, and learn independent living skills.

At the same time, I've been feeling more and more depressed. I just barely realized the connection today.

Trying to work on my executive function, I realized, has been bringing up all the shame left over from when I thought it was a choice - when I attributed all this stuff to being lazy, unmotivated and bad instead of being disabled. Even though I know better now, part of me still feels like it's really all my fault and if I can't just snap my fingers and be organized I'm a useless worthless person.

How do I get rid of this shame? I know the truth - even read all the research literature on it and everything - but someone I just can't get rid of that little voice that says this is all my fault and I just need to try harder.

I know how you feel, my working memory is complete crap and well I relate to all of the below. It's an autistic thing be sure, seems to be a common problem. Don't let that stop you from trying to overcome. When I was younger I just attributed it to my mind "wandering" which it often did even on important tasks.



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I can relate to the OP.

I have never known exactly what's been causing my life to be rather difficult and not very successful in many ways. I feel I have made a lot of effort, but I still feel I didn't try hard enough. I always feel confused and wonder if it's due to my laziness. Now I suspect it's the combination of exec. func., avoidance, lack of social skill etc. I still can't help feeling I could have done better and blame myself for that. I think that's what a hidden disability does to you.

Now I try to stick to rational thinking and not to blame myself. Being aware of my disability helps recognize my weaknesses and enables me to do things differently without putting pressure on myself. Still a long way to go.

Ettina, I spent decades investing most of my time, money and energy trying to get rid of that little voice. Getting a dx helped, but not much. There are 2 levels of "KNOWING": one is superficial and the other is deep. There's a time lag between the superficial knowledge (having read/heard) and the deep incorporation of that knowledge into your inner truth.

Time and practise at saying STOP! to the little voice every single time it makes itself heard do wonders. Also, training yourself to think according to the new evidence each time you catch yourself thinking in terms of the old criticism you got from those who supposedly knew better than you in your childhood. And forcing yourself to act towards yourself with compassion and valuing your efforts rather than berating yourself. After some time it comes a lot more natural and you don't need to force yourself very much.

However, everything has a price. The payoff of blaming ourselves is that it makes us feel that we're in control. We're just lazy, so we can snap out of it if we decide to. Total control. The price of getting rid of the little accusing voice and its excuse of laziness is that you have to accept that you have no total control over your limitations and they'll never disappear. It'll be a tough life from that point of view, always.

My parents were lazy and didn't want to deal with a special-needs child, so they dismissed my neurological issues by calling me lazy, selfish, etc. They wanted to believe that I could snap out of it if I wanted to, that they didn't need to make any efforts for me. That little voice inside us is the part of us that wants to do the same - just ignore the true challenges and wish them away easily.

You won't get rid of that little voice until after you've mourned the loss of the perfectly normal, just lazy, you that never existed.

My parents were not willing to do the hard work of mourning the "normal" child that was never born in me, and it's THEIR non-accepting, unrealistic, blaming voice that I internalized as "that little voice".

Rid of that little voice, it's not easy for me to get up in the morning and remember that I'm someone with NLVD, someone with partial brain damage, will never be like everyone else, will never be able to totally overcome the challenges and limitations, will always be prone to being fired from work, etc. But living in truth and without the accusing little voice is still worth it.

I notice age seems to have a bearing. I am sixty.

The era I am from considered autistic symptoms as a 'willful' child. If full autism developed it was because the mother allowed it to happen.
In some severe cases the court system would prosecute mothers for crimially forcing their child into autism.

In this context it is easier to understand why parents would ignore or deny their child had a problem. Admission could lead to criminal charges.

Knowing this and comparing it to the way I was raised creates major conflict.
It was not only kept a secret, but my parents tried to beat it out of me so the neighbors would not find out.

I try not to be ashamed of what I am, but under stress I revert. When not stressed I can forgive them.