Consoling people

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I thought of this after reading another thread... I've known for a while now that the socially acceptable thing to do when someone is upset or crying is to hug them or pat them on the shoulder or whatever. This is not something I normally do, and it doesn't come naturally to me—I usually approach said situations consciously rather than instinctively. The few times I've done it, though, more often than not the other person seemed to rebuff it. So it occurred to me that I might be missing the "I need a hug" cue? What would said nonverbal cue look like, anyway?

How do you approach these situations? Do you ask the other person? Do you just sit quietly with them? Or are you just trying to fight the urge to flee the scene due to the emotional intensity?

It doesn't come naturally to me either, an din addition I hate physical contact. Once I met n acquaintance of my mother, who had just lost his mother. He was sad of course, and I managed to touch his arm (it felt icky) and he looked at my hand,so I guess he wasn't fine with it either. I said something about being sorry for his loss. I thought about my own mother and I how terrible it would be if it was her, and I was sincere when I told him I was sorry, yet even I could hear that it didn't sound that way. It sounded phony.


Other than coming at you with their arms stretched out in front of them, I have no idea. I never want one, no matter how I feel, so other than how my grandmother looked when she wanted to hug me, I have no idea.
There are other ways to console people though. If someone wants someone to listen while they talk about the beloved dead, that's pretty easy. Just let them talk and share memories.
If they want any words of wisdom, I'm lost. It's not like any words ever help either. Only time helps you recover from grief, and in my experience only so much too.
You could always tell them that if they wanna talk, they can come to you (if you dare) but don't say it if you don't mean it; that'd be too cruel if they took you up on it.


I never ask anyone if they need a hug, if that's what you mean. If I were to ask them anything, I think I'd go for "How are you holding up*"
I've never had to IRL though, because the people I have been close to who have lost someone have been family, and their loss have always been my loss too.
Quite frankly just the thought of being the "strong" one (I mean the one unaffected by someone's death) while alone with someone (so I couldn't leave them to someone better suited) makes me feel like fleeing.

My coworker and friend lost his brother and shortly thereafter broke up with his boyfriend and his dog died on the same day. When he told me what happened I just said "can I give you a hug?" He smiled and said yeah. He's not the type of person I can see ever asking for one, and he's not very social either, but I think it helped us both. No ones gonna remember what you said to them but they will remember if you visited them or were there for them.

My experiece in such situations is pretty much the same. I feel very conscious of the situation and cannot act naturally. When I expressed my condolences to a colleague who had lost her brother, she stared at me as if to say it's none of my business. I regretted showing my sympathy toward someone like that. I should've just been indifferent.

My theory is that being too conscious of the situation makes me act unnaturally/awkwardly and that might be making me look insincere or making the other person uncomfortalbe. That's all I can think of. So if showing sympathy doesn't happen naturally, I don't force myself, and just ignore whatever distress the other person is feeling. If I can, I would flee the situation.

I think for many of us with autism/AS, it's very hard to deal with such situations because it's a lot to do with reading subtle body language and emotions. So unless you are comfortable/natural in a given situation, you had better just avoid it.

I feel a rising panic if someone starts to cry in front of me as I don't know what to do. I would not want to hug someone that i wasn't very close to, and I feel that they are expecting me to say something and I don't know exactly what they want to hear. I have an urge to run, but would probably end up analysing the situation and saying things that I hope I would be supposed to say, but it's highly unlikely I would hug them.

I have major trouble consoling people. Even though I may feel deep empathy for them and desperately want to help I cannot handle these situations naturally and they make me feel very anxious. I remember one time when I was at University I went into the hallway and one of my flatmates was sat there sobbing. My mind just went totally blank and all I could think of to say was are you ok? I felt so stupid because clearly she wasn’t ok! I really wanted to help her and I felt so inadequate and uncomfortable because I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I would not feel able to offer someone a hug in this situation (the only person I hug willingly is my boyfriend). If I did offer someone else a hug, I’m pretty sure it would feel stiff and awkward and I doubt that would be of any comfort to them!

It really depends on the person and the situation.

If I don't know what's wrong, I'd probably start by asking the other person, "What's wrong?"

If I do know what's wrong (or don't know but the other person has already said something about it), I would try to offer help with the situation that's upset them if there was anything it occured to me I could do -- otherwise I'd ask the person what I can do, or if there's anything I can do to help (people answer both in terms of the situation and in terms of comfort that they would find helpful at that moment).

If I know the person well and certain things have helped to comfort them in the past (hugs, talking, etc.) I might ask them if they'd like one/any of those things that have helped previously.

If someone was clearly too upset to produce words, I might just sit with them.

I don't give physical comfort like hugs without asking unless it's someone I know extremely well -- usually I ask even people I know extremely well if they'd like a hug or not (sometimes even people who usually like hugs say they don't want one).

I never console people, don't see why I should, or how I could.
When my friend cries because she's being bullied I do nothing, I just sit by her and say/do nothing. She is neither bothered by my behaviour.

Actually I remember to large degree what people said to me when I lost beloved ones.


That's not so bad though. NTs ask the obvious all the time. I think in that situation it gave her an opening to wipe her eyes and say "yeah, I'm fine" (which obviously wouldn't be true but would have been a way out if she didn't wanna talk about it, or if she didn't feel comfortable telling you) or talk about what was wrong.

Dealing with someone who is mourning is never easy. I don't think it's much easier for anyone really. If any of you have heard a grieving person being interviewed, they tend to say (in regards to questions about how others react) that people say they're sorry and after that they shun them for a long time. Some say they wished people would seek them out, and that isolation afterwards was the worst for them.
(Personally I usually wanna be left alone to grieve in my own way without anyone butting in, but I guess that's different for people who are social by nature.)

i notice that i have a hard time consoling people.
i think they are just too worried about nothing,
or being irrational or not thinking straight,
or being too emotional or too rash..

maybe this is a lack of empathy?

when I try to console ppl I do one of two things
1. Bring them some kleenexs if they are crying or ask if I could get them something to drink because the loss of liquid equals dehydration
2. Take them a dish of food if someone has died (it's easy to pick something up at the store and I look considerate and sweet)

Both are socially acceptable and I don't end up looking awful in an area that I'm not particularly good at.

I usually get a feeling like someone knocked the wind out of me. Even if I can get my brain to make my mouth work it's as though anything I say is bound to come off as a platitude or I have fear of saying something totally inappropriate, as I have in the past when trying to cheer someone up. Yeah I'm better at action-oriented ways of trying to show I care when it is something I'm directly involved in