I told someone I have AS and it was a mistake

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Hi. I have a neighbor who lives across the hall from me. We've known each other for nearly six years, and she always seemed like a terrific person, kind and highly intelligent. A couple of weeks ago she told me she had a nephew with Asperger Syndrome. By then we'd gotten to be friends, so I thought it okay to tell her I have it, too. But when I referred to it as "autism" she said, "You're not autistic. Autistic people are completely closed off and non-verbal."

I told her that AS is part of the autism spectrum and is a mild form of autism, and that I had been officially diagnosed at a clinic. She still insisted that I am not autistic, and then said "I don't want to get into an argument about this."

I let it drop, because I certainly didn't want to list my symptoms or go into detail about the way I've suffered from this all my life. But I was angry and hurt, because she seemed to be minimizing my condition. I was also irritated by her apparent assumption that she knows more about this stuff than the team of experts who tested and diagnosed my condition.

Have any of you guys ever had an experience similar to this? How did you handle it? Thanks for any input.

higgie

That's the big problem right there. I told my brothers but they didn't believe me. After all, I don't talk like Rain Man, walk in circles like Rain Man, or count cards like Rain Man, so I can't be autistic. Yeah, you try to explain that it's a spectrum - some are mild like myself, some are non-verbal and completely inward. Some can go out to social functions, some can't. Sigh. All I can do is minimize, or completely avoid, the naysayers. My hands are tied.

I just remembered something. I told my optician I was on the spectrum. He'd known me for years so he didn't believe it. Calmly, I pointed out some of the symptoms and behaviours I've had in the past. Eventually, he believed me.

Sounds like she was minimizing & discounting what you had to say, but not necessarily to say you're wrong.. more so, IMO, because she has some preconceived ideas about autism and doesn't want to admit that her nephew is on the spectrum. Somehow in her mind a diagnosis of AS is better than a diagnosis of Autism or ASD because she associates Autism with LFA individuals with severely limited communication abilities and doesn't want there to be a connection between her nephew and people like that.

I'd just avoid the subject and carry on with only friendly chatter and interactions with her as per your normal, and if she ever brought up AS again, talk with her about it in whatever way she's open to w/o pushing any limits she's not open to accepting. There's no talking sense into some people even when you're right and they're wrong and the end result will just be a frustrating argument and tarnished relationship.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

Sounds like you touched on something she has strong opinions about because of her nephew. This stuff can be almost political. It sucks that she couldn't respect your choice of terminology and knowledge about the subject when you are in a position to know what you're talking about, but that's what people will do when they have baggage surrounding a topic. I've run into that kind of thing with other subjects where I have personal experience and someone discounts it if it contradicts their preconceived ideas.

I would just avoid the subject from now on, it seems she's too sensitive about it for a reasonable discussion.

Yes...my dad reacted in this same way after my diagnosis; instead of avoiding the argument, we actually had one. Plus, pre diagnosis I had this reaction to my speculations from my godmother and my sister.

It sounds to me that she doesn't understand that Asperger's syndrome is actually autism. She is hung up on the word autism and can't get that Asperger's itself is a form of autism.

She clearly can't know much about autism anyway, because she seems unaware of high functioning autism. If her nephew has Asperger's then she should totally get what it's about. Having said that, it's possible her nephew's parents are refusing to acknowledge that AS is autism and have indoctrinated everyone in the family to not treat it as such.

People have such huge egos and many parents take affront at their child being anything less than perfect and are terrified of stigma.

I have only told one other person about my AS. He is a very good friend of mine and he understood immediately what I was talking about. In that respect, I was rather fortunate. As it turned out, he then told me about his issue - bipolar. I might note that these revelations have had no negative effect on our relationship. Otherwise, I generally avoid disclosure, so as to avoid any unpleasant issues. If the topic of AS does come up in conversations, I simply state that I am somewhat familiar with it, but nothing more.

If you talk to her online at all you could send over links to articles and videos on what Asperger's is, see if it brings her around at all. You could do a similar thing by loading something like that on a tablet and showing her it. If she doesn't bring it up again and you're not too bothered, though, I wouldn't recommend taking the time to.

Ignorance and prejudice can wear many faces even the one of an intelligent person. This is why I've decided to keep myself to myself.

I think the thought of her nephew having 'autism' upsets her, and she'd like to think of it as Asperger Syndrome instead because that seems less scary to her.

Nothing against you, it's all her own issues.

That's very perceptive of you. I never thought of those things. Thank you. I will avoid the subject and be very careful if she brings it up again.

quote="goldfish21"]Sounds like she was minimizing & discounting what you had to say, but not necessarily to say you're wrong.. more so, IMO, because she has some preconceived ideas about autism and doesn't want to admit that her nephew is on the spectrum. Somehow in her mind a diagnosis of AS is better than a diagnosis of Autism or ASD because she associates Autism with LFA individuals with severely limited communication abilities and doesn't want there to be a connection between her nephew and people like that.

I'd just avoid the subject and carry on with only friendly chatter and interactions with her as per your normal, and if she ever brought up AS again, talk with her about it in whatever way she's open to w/o pushing any limits she's not open to accepting. There's no talking sense into some people even when you're right and they're wrong and the end result will just be a frustrating argument and tarnished relationship.[/quote]

I think you're quite right. She doesn't want to believe this of me because then she'd have to believe it about her nephew. I will avoid the subject from now on.

But then, if she knows you as a good person, shouldn't that be a positive model for her nephew?