Have you ever asked someone else to change their behavior?

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For example, someone who was not being so nice to you, or maybe someone who did something that bothered you... Did you tell that person about it?

For example, one time I told an acquaintance that I wished he would talk to me more when I walked into the same room he was in.

Well, he DID change and talked to me more..... but I felt so incredibly awkward in his presence after that.

I felt like my mentioning this to him could have seemed obsessive or something.

I've always felt this way when I've asked someone else to change their behavior, or any time I've been completely frank to someone about how I felt. I've always felt like I was somehow inconveniencing the other person, or they would think "Wow, gee she was thinking about this small problem all this time...eww how creepy!!"

Then I would perceive, in the aftermath of being so frank, that the person was distancing themselves from me, that maybe they thought 'because I'm so bothered by something so small', this was proof I'm some sort of nutcase, overly sensitive.

I'm sorry I can't quite encapsulate this experience in this post or the post title, but does anyone know what I mean!???

Have you ever asked someone to change, or been completely frank with someone (about anything) and then somehow perceived that you did something wrong?

When you've been candid in this way, how did the friendship or relationship work out after that.....did it blossom, or did it deteriorate?

Nah, I've never done it. I figure people are just the way, and if they don't like you, there's nothing you can do about and just avoid them. That's my experience anyway.

Sure. I have done it to my family and ex boyfriends. If there is anything you want, tell them. If they are doing something that bothers you, tell them. It didn't happen of course. You can't really change someone unless they want to change. It's either be miserable with them or leave. I left my relationships because of it. With family, I continued having anxiety and they thought I was lot of work and found me hard to live with. I couldn't just pack up and leave but I was so happy when I finally moved out. You can pick your partners and friends but you cannot pick your family.

All the time. I'm usually direct with people and sometimes it offends them or they seem to think differently of me afterwards. I know the key is to hint at things and be tactful but I'm really bad at that so instead I try to offer information in a direct, but self deprecating way. Like I might say, "I know I'm being a total freak here but could you...." This helps.

If I know someone really well like my husband I can drop the pretence. And I have to say he is someone who will try to change if I ask him to. Most people I know won't, they are stubbornly set in their ways, but there are still some who make the effort. Seek those people out.

I know all too well what you mean. I'm beginning to think there is no balance that works. Hinting is ignored. Being tactful, direct, and humble doesn't work either. Instead of arriving at a compromise or solution, the relationship starts becoming extinct.

This is SO true. I've never been able to tell someone how I really feel without alienating that person, and that was WITH being tactful, direct, humble, etc.....in fact, doing multiple edits of what I say / write (sometimes I've written down how I feel) prior to its delivery.

What's worse is that when telling someone how I feel, they seem "ok" with it, but as time goes on they seem resentful and I secondguess myself. Was I being too anal? Picky? Demanding? The person gives NO indication at first that anything is wrong. I even ask them (try to consider their feelings), "Was this OK to ask or am I being unreasonable?"......NO hint whatsoever in their reaction that the friendship or relationship will go completely extinct days after.

On a more general note, I've told people how I honestly feel, or shared my "inner self", and they seem to be kind at first.......but then they grow cold. Ice cold. It is like a delayed reaction. I don't get it.

Thank you for the replies everyone....It really helped to hear everyone's input on this.

The most puzzling thing about it is that when you tell someone how you really feel, often they give you NO clue at first that anything is wrong. Many people seem to take it well.

But then what happens is they distance themselves. Maybe they don't return a phone call. Or they "forget" to invite...

Then, as soon as I ask the person "Did I do anything wrong", they do a 360 and say "Of course not! You are FINE!" Their reaction is so loving and kind, I question why I had the worry in the first place.

Then......something else happens to make me worry. Maybe they stop looking me in the eye. Or some other innocent error of omission.

Then, I wonder, did they really mean what they said!!???? Maybe they really are mad at me and think I'm a nutcase....

So I go back to them again - this time with an apology or some other indication that my original "mistake" of being heartfelt and candid was unintentional, that I was just being ridiculous....

Then their reaction isn't so kind this time; maybe a more abrupt response. Either way, I can't figure out what the @#$%## I did wrong.

Am I seeming:

A). Demanding without knowing
B). Obsessive
C). Creepy

I tend to deliberate on the above choices because that is all I can conclude after multiple honest attempts to repair situations with other people. Maybe they are just sick of me altogether and want me to go away.

The trouble is, as friendships or relationships deteriorate further, it requires me to try harder and harder to repair it, which often necessitates an increasingly longwinded letter or explanation. (Perhaps this is my cardinal error)

Either way, I have no effing clue what I'm doing wrong or how to make it right again.....I'm just one great big FLAW...... (sigh)

If y'all can relate to this, holler

You described what I go through perfectly! At least I can have the comfort of knowing this doesn't just happen to me.

Thank you tjr1243 for putting this as you did, especially the part about editing and re-editing words to try to get them appropriate! This thread is going to have me rethink all that's in my mind now about relationships.

The impression I'm getting is that other people don't deserve people like us. They'd never behave as respectfully as we do. What a joke. They think we're rude? I think we're like mirrors to them which cause them to see things in themselves they don't want to see.

You have this backwards. You're not flawed... they are! Be glad for the way you are. I appreciate it and there probably are others who also do. We're an obvious minority. Thankfully we have WrongPlanet to find one another and connect.