Cold feet

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My daughter 17yrs old she is very bright academically and always does really well in any chosen field, dance, drama learning musical instruments etc. whatever she does.

She has a dx of ADD and GAD (perfectionist) I suspect AS. The serious problem is that she has on numerous occasions got cold feet and is very good at making up excuses and been manipulating in very clever ways. At the moment she is sitting her final state exams she decided to drop the level of her maths stating she was struggling. I spoke with both teacher she was also getting grinds and they said she would pass. She gets very upset when I try to reason with her, and let her know that it is her anxiety levels that is making her doubt herself. She has been like this most of her childhood and to an outside person looking in they would be looking at my parenting skills when I try and put my foot down and insist she participates in whatever activity, exam, event etc. As she is becoming a adult I am very concerned, if she remained in the higher maths class she would be in the top 5 of her school doing the final exams. When she wants she can play both me and my husband, he is too soft with her and then I am the bad one. I have no problem if its her ability and would not force her to do anything she wasn't capable off. But she will ruin her life and not allow herself to reach her potential and have a very successful career if this continues. She will be going to college next year I am worried.

Any advice in how to help control anxiety, she has a counselor I have talked little about her anxiety hoping that she would confide in the counselor how difficult things are but I think again she has worked her magic on the counselor convincing her that her fears are rational.
She is liked by everyone has never been in trouble and I don't think that I have ever had much reason to grounded her and if her behavior did warrant grounding she would get intensely upset as a child so i never used this as a consequences. Usually taking and explaining her behavior worked. She is a beautiful young person and we have a fantastic relationship but I am worried.

this might be a dumb question, but have you been able to get her seen by a therapist?

She has that's where she got her dx for ADD and GAD she is on the waiting list assessment for ASD. As I said she is very good at masking her difficulties and making them rational I am seen as the over the top parent. She does take Ritalin for ADD doesn't need resources in school they are not aware of her dx as she would be upset. We only disclose this on a need to know her brother has a dx of AS, ADHD, OCD he also would mask this at school. I went through a nightmare getting him dx and support from school.

Well, unfortunately it's her life and now that she's 17 and going to soon be a full adult, you're going to have to let her make those mistakes. She's a big girl now and you've done everything possible to try to help her, but if she's unwilling on accepting the help, then no amount of pushing will do anything positive for the long run.

It can be really tough seeing bright and talented people take paths we wouldn't if we had those talents, or making choices we wouldn't, but in the end, all you can do is know you tried your best and hope the lesson will be learned quickly.

I don't see a problem here.. Weren't you ever a kid? Didn't you ever get stage fright? Idiot..

The problem is that stage fright has been her whole life idiot (TSPROGGY who thinks his house)! !

To be honest Twich I hate that answer she is an individual with different needs age is a barrier to a person been supported. People use age all the time as a reason not to support or help or just let them get on with it. At times it is a very negative one and that is why so many young adults feel alone and not support. I am well aware of her age but it does not mean I become blind also. Adolescence ends in the early to mid twenties when a young person becomes psychologically, socially, and economically independent.

And we also know that person with ADHD, ASD, disabilities etc are usually 2-3yrs behind their peers in certain areas. I want to continue to support my daughter because that what we do as parents and it should not stop because the law says they are adults. I was hoping to get some advice on coping skills and ways that she can reach her full potential. Thanks

I did that too. I couldn't make myself do things if I didn't see the point in it. I didn't even like math and didn't see why I'd ever need it. Teenagers can be short sighted.

I understand why you are concerned and say it's because she's becoming an adult. You want her to grow up to become a responsible adult who can support herself.

I wouldn't listen to careers advice and dropped out of high school. My parents supported me for a few years until I grew up and found a college course that interested me.

I don't know what advice to give, things worked out for me eventually and I am employed and self sufficient. I guess all she needs is support. Sometimes I don't understand how I feel and can't put it into words, I can fake being ok. It's not manipulative, I just don't know how I feel, she may be similar.