Elective mutism

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I'm living at a residential college for people with various disabilities and am in a flat of 6 people. One of the girls in our flat is really nice and quiet, but she is really REALLY quiet. She never speaks to anyone unless she is alone with them. I feel bad because I want to help her because I suffered from elective mutism and I know how horrific it can be. Has anyone got any advice? (I don't think she has AS or autism)

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I have HFA, ADHD, OCD & Tourette syndrome. I love animals, especially my bunnies and hamster. I skate in a roller derby team (but I'll try not to bite )

I would definitely start by bonding with her in private. I remember how much having even one friend helped my own mutism...by the way it is really great that you are trying to help her : )

Yeah, I had it when I was 13. Could only speak to my Mum for months and spoke only in whispers. It was so horrible because you really want to speak but can't.

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I have HFA, ADHD, OCD & Tourette syndrome. I love animals, especially my bunnies and hamster. I skate in a roller derby team (but I'll try not to bite )

I am very quiet too. I can speak perfectly well and can talk about superficial things without any problem. The thing I have trouble with is talking about needs, traumas, issues, conflicts, this sort of thing. It brings me such great TREMENDOUS anxiety talking about incidents or confronting people that I often cannot do it. I just don't want to talk about anything that troubles me. Now, writing about it, for some reason is a lot easier, although this often depresses me also and just writing about them is enough to upset me. This is why I think dwelling and talking about them a lot isn't such a good thing.
Talking about problems and confronting people are so difficult for me I sometimes have full fledged panic attacks in the midst of attempting it. I can handle the small talk, trivial, banal talks about nothing but anything serious is way too much for my fragile nerves.

I had selective mutism as a child. Would only speak at home, never at school (at least when I was very young).

The most important thing you could do for this girl would be to not in any way indicate that she is inferior for not speaking. That can cut to the bone and can be very easy to do unintentionally. For instance, once when I was in high school I happened to overhear classmates whispering about how I "never said a word." Although they weren't being catty, they weren't being complimentary either, and it hurt to know that my silence was noticed in a negative way. And, hell, it's been since the beginning of time that I was in high school, and I remember that like it was yesterday.

Don't make a big deal out of the fact that she doesn't talk. If you make great efforts to draw her out, especially in public, she'll get the idea that she's defective. At least I would. Just treat her like a friend. Don't force anything. It's probably not your job to treat her condition anyway. Enjoy her for who she is, and who knows, maybe one day she will open up to you.

If she does, you may want to get some idea why she is selectively mute. Such information may help you approach her in a more helpful, non-threatening way. In my case, in addition to AS tendencies, I have expressive dysphasia, which means I have trouble with finding words to express my thoughts (I often do not think in words). Also, especially when tired or anxious, my speech can become garbled. All this makes me anxious in social situations, hence the mutism. If your friend has similar issues, you could give her a longer time to respond--ie, don't become impatient with her as she struggles to find the right word. Just an example, of course, since I don't know her.

Best of luck with this and good on you for wanting to help this girl.

yeah I would bond with her, then she will likely open up to you. I had selective mutism as a child too, after my speech came in I was picky about who to talk to. And my son is going through this too. He is still speech delayed but he speaks enough to have a basic conversation. He will speak to my husband and I, and he will speak at school but he won't speak to anyone else like my mother. But I think he purposely doesn't want to talk to her because she is constantly asking him questions. I tell her to leave him be, but she won't listen

Thanks for your comments. I asked because I sat and watched the staff in our college trying to force her to speak and it made me wince because I know how horrible it is. I just wanted some more information so that I could maybe talk to the staff about her problem and how to go about helping her. It's not my job to help her out but I feel really frustrated because I have been there myself and the best thing was when I found my voice again. I don't get angry with the staff though, they are just young and probably not trained in elective mutism.

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I have HFA, ADHD, OCD & Tourette syndrome. I love animals, especially my bunnies and hamster. I skate in a roller derby team (but I'll try not to bite )

Is it really elective if you can't help but to not speak?

It's not, that's why the technical term was turned into "selective mutism" meaning "mute only in select situations" rather than "mute because of electing to".

Jellybean, you would be doing this girl a big favor if you could reason with the staff. What they're doing to her, intentionally or not, is counterproductive to say the least. Of course, if you're anything like me, approaching them in a diplomatic way will be a challenge. Tread lightly.

I've found writing works better if you are likely to forget what you wanted to say or get too emotional to say it.

I think it's ridiculous that they are trying to force her to speak. That will just make it worse. I've never had selective mutism (unless you count half an hour at a time) but isn't it intuitive that somebody whose speaking system freezes up sometimes will have even a harder time when somebody tries to force them? The extra pressure just can't be helpful.

I used to have selective mutism for a really long time, 9.5 years of my childhood so I know how hard it can be. I only overcame it when I pushed myself really hard to and it took 1.5 years of pushing myself to fully overcome it.

I think the best thing is to try to get to know her better and attempt to help her to get to know other people in small safe situations, like dont take her into a huge crowd of people. Allow her to talk, dont end up talking to the other person elusively because people can soo easily fall into that and easily ignore the other person.

Im not sure if you or anyone can truly do anything if shes not fully willing to overcome her selective mutism. For me at least no one but myself could truly help me. I've had parents, adults and other kids(occationally) try to talk to me and get me included but then I didnt go anywhere until I actually worked towards breaking the mutism. Also what the staff is doing to her can just be hugely initimidating and even annoying.

I am pretty sure you didn't mean to imply this, but it seems like you are saying that she doesn't want to 'overcome' her selective mutism... often times it is not just impossible to overcome, but impossible to want it. Sometimes, not talking is a haven.

Has anyone here read Torey Hayden's Twilight Children?