Stuck Please...

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I need practical advice or solutions please if anyone is able to provide them.

I am struggling to find a real life social network or to make friends. I am following the advice given to me in the past by therapists and people online but it is not working. Their advice is to go out and talk to people. Also to either join groups or do things you enjoy to find those with similar interests.

Hmmmm I am still having problems.

One of my interests is health and fitness (specifically weight lifting at the moment although I also like yoga, body balance and swimming as well) and paleo nutrition so I joined a gym. I use said gym (although it is a little too noisy to talk in there with all the machinery going as I cannot tune the noise out. Ergo I end up coming across as dense because I am not able to hear what people are saying to me and I have to keep saying 'pardon' or 'what'?) and go to classes there but have still not made friends. I have chitty chatted with people (or in some instances they have chitty chatted at me)...about the weather and their personal lives, and their work lives, and their social lives...(help!) but I have still not made a friend yet.

A lady appeared to try and adopt me at the gym the other day but she seemed to be interested in getting me to sell some gimmicky health drink product I had no interest in. I don't believe in gimmicks, I am paleo and tend to avoid anything artificial where possible. Apart from which whilst she was talking I noticed that her teeth were in rather poor condition and became distracted by a strange mark on her lip. Either she did not consume said health drink or it was not doing her much good...one of the two. I declined to sell the product she was selling and her invite to show me how the business works.

I also have a museum pass. I love museums and now I can visit any of 10 museums in the Norfolk area as many times as I like and I don't have to pay to go in (other than the original cost of the pass which was 29 pounds for the year...I thought this was very good as me being me I will use the pass many many times!! !! !). Now I did have a wonderfully interesting chat with the chappy who issued my pass about local museums (ah ha finally a subject I can natter about....I did a heritage studies module at University once and it was all about museums, I got a straight A grade for it!) but I have still not made any friends. I am, however, most excited about having a museum pass all the same.

I can also enjoy hiking especially if it is in a coastal area (I love beautiful blue...the ocean/sea) but the weather is now turning and as I do not have suitable water proofs (finances, I need to save up for them as I do not work unfortunately) joining a hiking group is not a viable option at this time.

I could join a sewing group as I still enjoy Tapestry and Cross stitch at times when it is quiet enough to be able to concentrate on it properly but 1 there are no groups in my area at a time I can get to it (no bus service, no one to give me a lift, cannot afford a taxi as I do not work and it costs me at least 40 quid to get into the city and back out again (20 pounds each way)..i live in a small country village) and 2 I prefer to do this hobby alone as it requires my full concentration.

On saying that it is nice to have someone to exchange stitching ideas with.

Basically i am stuck. I'd like to make a friend as I have no one (no family, no partner, no friends, nobody) but do not seem to know how to go about it. Yes I can go out and talk to people but do not know how to change that into a friendship and if I do make a friendship there is no guarantee I will be able to maintain it.

PN it can't just be any friend for the sake of having a friend, it needs to be a compatible friend who shares some of my interests. Also not someone who is clingy. I attract a lot of lonely clingy people online. I feel for them but I need my alone time in order to recharge, so cannot cope with someone who wants my company 24 hours a day every day of the week. It is too much. They don't get on very well if I am not around to talk to them as they either panic and think something terrible must have happened to me (when i was busy pottering around with my hobbies) or that I don't like them anymore. Neither is necessarily true, I am just too tired to interact with them or I want to be on my own doing other things is all.

I cannot go to the drs or therapists because they do not help me. I am not dignosed with an ASD and no matter what I say they just insist that if I relax and think positively I will find friends. If I tell them I don't know how to make friends they just keep saying that is my lack of confidence and I just need to be positive. I come away from the meeting feeling so horrible I have a meltdown when I get home and hit myself on the head out of frustration. I cannot keep doing that, I will give myself a concussion one day...I don't want to hit myself on the head I just get so upset and frustrated and I can't find anyone to understand me or anyone to listen or anyone to help and...I don't really know what happens I just flip my lid, rant to myself, scream and smack my head. I can have similar problems with crowds and noise etc but I can avoid them if need be so they are not so much of a problem at the moment.

I won't tell my drs this either as they will try to medicate me. I just need someone to listen or who understands and I will not get frustrated or upset. Apart from which I will be ok after my little outburst has passed and will want to get back to normality again. I just feel momentarily overwhelmed by what I am feeling is all. I wish someone could understand this instead of thinking I have completely lost my mind and treating me like I am insane person who doesn't understand anything when they are the ones who are not understanding...

I will not go on medication...they don't help. You can make me as high as a kite and I still can't find a friend or cope with maintaining friendships if I do find them. All the medications do is make me physically ill and I have worked so hard to remove my physical symptoms that I don't want them back again (I have found that removing chemicals from my system..ie antidepressants, nicotine, avoiding alcohol, food additives/preservatives/artificial sweeteners etc, has worked wonders in regards to eradicating my physical health problems..no more gut upsets, no more fatigue, no more problems sitting upright due to dizziness and so on...all gone). They were not helping me with tablets, they were making me sick!! !! !!

Anyway, advice on how to go about finding a compatible understanding real world friend who won't frustrate and upset me?

I have been out nearly every day for the last 2 plus months and am not getting anywhere. It is both frustrating and upsetting. I am stuck.

after you have chatted with someone a few times, ask them to go for coffee or to do whatever your shared interest is together.

if that goes well, cook them a healthy dinner. then the ball will be in their court.

Alternate solution:

1. Realize that people are trash.
2. Become a misanthrope.
3. Die inside.
4. Result: No longer have much interest in friends.

Have you considered posting text on your blog, rather than posting videos only? Talking about yourself and your ideas online can sometimes draw people to you.

I tried talking about myself and my views online and I was accused of being self absorbed and narcissistic. I also tried talking about my hobbies but was then accused of being obsessed with them. People also complain about the length of my posts, the detail I usually prefer to provide and so on.

It resulted in people online bullying me and ostracising me which has resulted in a deterioration in my mental state.

I cannot even find any support when I am in genuine emotional pain. These people are horrible beyond all reasonable belief.

Also my ideas are not mainstream and people find them offensive. Ie I do not agree with drug use (ie cannabis) this upsets many people and they attack me. I also do not wish to drink alcohol as that too makes me feel rather unwell if I am exposed to it. Again people attack me...it is best if I don't speak much about my hobbies, interests and opinions and I was actually thinking about shutting my blogs down completely. I just have not gotten around to doing it yet is all (ie making them author only..private)

Do not shut down your blog because of those morons. The world needs more independent thinkers, not more druggies and alcoholic conformists. Change the blog settings so that no one, or only people you choose, can comment, then they cannot leave bullying comments for you. Also, if that is your real name on your blog, you should not use that. It's not safe to identify yourself online, especially if you post controversial opinions.

If you have not done so already, maybe you can try a straight-edge community online, find out about events they may have, and go and meet people.

If I encounter the same people regularly and like them I can try the first suggestion. I am not sure about having someone round to cook them dinner though. Firstly my house is a bit messy at the moment and needs decorating (i am not sure how to get rid of the cracks in the walls so they don't show through the new paint and my glossing is not very good so I need to acquire some DIY books and check in at Homebase to ask for advice before I can proceed. I have not gotten around to this yet as there are financial considerations as well) and if I do invite accepting guests around I do not know how to ask them to leave without them being offended when I am tired and do not wish to chit chat for any longer.

Having to make chit chat when I am tired makes my brain feel as though it is about to start bleeding...(not literally, it is more of a sensation thing as I want to rest and people are forcing me to keep talking. It does and can give me headaches though).

They think I do not like them or that I am depressed and keep trying to console me when I am just tired from chit chat and would like to rest please.

Ergo I prefer not to invite people over, the only exception being a lover, but even when it comes to a lover I prefer them to leave at the end of the evening as I have trouble sleeping when there is someone else in the room with me.

Hey bumble,
All of those people who tell you to 'go out and talk to people' are right - that IS how you meet people. But it has very little to do with making friends and keeping relationships going.

I know tons of people. I dislike some of them, and I like some of them, but there are only 3 people I know who are my genuine friends. Sounds cliche, but a real friend will not make you feel like you should be any different than you actually are. If you have to do that much 'work' when it comes to maintaining a friendship, then it's probably not a real friendship. You need people to accept you for who you are, and that's what they need to.

I have very little in common with one of my best friends, but we get along fine - probably because we are so different that we find each other's perspective to be interesting. Sorry I can't give you more advice on how to literally find a friend...I guess the best I can come up with is to look for people who aren't critical of your flaws, not necessarily people who share the same interests. (For example, I live in LA...I find it torture to hang out with most film industry people, even though I'm interested in film and involved in the industry myself. Most are shallow, two-faced, and don't really care what I have to say unless it's about them. )

Also...a lot of people ARE pretty awful. Be wary of that, but don't let it stop you from pursuing the few good ones that do exist. And don't let it stop you from writing blogs or talking about things you want to talk about. They shouldn't be your problem.

What you describe is pretty much what you do with friends. It sounds very much as if you don't actually want friends.

They aren't convenient things like dolls that you just put on a shelf when you tire of them.