Loud and Gross, and he is a doctor!

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Mods move this whereever, I did not know where to post it.

I have been trying to get help with my autistic spectrum and my sister, Mary, has been helping to get me diagnosed and benefits. Mary is married to Barry, who is a family practice physician. Unfortunately, She and I have a lot of conflict because I do not get along with Barry. I am trying to figure out how to handle all this but at this point, I am in a lot of distress.

Barry is and has also been very extroverted and VERY, VERY LOUD to the point where it is painful for me. I think NT people find him loud but not painful. He talks all the time and also has a VERY LOUD cough that he refuses to treat. Again, it is painfully loud. Usually, it happens at family get togethers where I am there and he is too. Barry also doesn't like to take showers, often has gas and has bad breath. I have asked Mary to talk to him about not being so loud around me and about his hygiene and she refuses to, saying, "it would just make my marriage to him harder"

I hate to admit it, but I am almost ready to cry over this. there is a Christmas get together coming up and even though I tried to get out of it, I will go and Barry will be there with all the loudness and odors. Meanwhile, other people think he is wonderful because "He is a Doctor".


I would cut Mary out of my life except she is trying to get Medicaid for me. She thinks I am just being weird and antisocial because everyone else can tolerate Barry and I cannot.

Barry's bad hygiene is costing him patients, I guarantee it. anyone who addressed it with him would be doing him a favor.

I don't know what to say accept I totally agree with you. That guy sounds really insufferable. Just so gross.
I feel uncomfortable just trying to picture the guy.

You can't be certain that Barry hasnt bothered anyone else. based on the response that Mary has given you, it sounds like Barry has bothered her as well. Seriously, "telling him would make the marriage harder." Sure sounds like a response that the marriage isn't easy and that there might be a problem. Let them sort it out, and leave it alone. Let someone else say something.

He looks kind of like Governor Bill Richardson or our former governor Ed Rendell. I'll try to get a picture of those guys to show you. but much louder than even those 2.

Cathylynn, Barry seems to have a lot of patients, he is now working with the VA but in other offices he had a lot too. Kids and elderly like him because they can hear him. The staff just tolerate him because they work for him. But he has cost me as a patient, but as anyone in health care can tell, doctors are the worst offenders as far as infection control. Even his daughter (my nieces) tell me he doesn't wash his hands at home, he might have to in the office.

Perhaps, you can give him some deodorant and, soap on a rope and a bottle of Buckley's for Christmas and tell him to use each thing each day. I'm serious.

Here's how you could get through your next and follow up encounters with him. Buy some Vicks vapor rub or other strong scented oil that you like and dab some under your nose before going in. Reapply as needed. I found it works wonders on days where scents seem to be overwhelming.

As far as the noise/loudness. Cotton balls, ear plugs, headphones/ear buds. I use cotton balls most times in social situations where headphones would be considered rude or antisocial. If someone asks just tell them you have been having issues with drainage in your ears or been having ear aches. Most people will drop the conversation about it after that or offer advice or sympathy for your problem. Thank them and change the subject to the food or something else that isn't a sore subject.

Then find a corner of the room as far from Barry as you can. Socialize with everyone else and keep any interactions with him to a brief a time as possible. You can do this by saying you need to use the bathroom. Then go into the bathroom for a few minutes. (Perfect time to reapply the Vicks) Most likely he will have found someone else to talk to at that point.

As well you can excuse yourself for some fresh air any time you like. Just say you need a few moments to decompress and step outside or make a casual exit without saying anything. I do this often when I feel I need to decompress, but don't want to or can't leave.

Thanks, I will be doing all that.

At this point in their marriage, Barry is a "wallet", that is, he makes a lot of money and their daughters go to expensive universities. I think she would have divorced him long ago had she not had children. Also, my parents always thought they "have to keep a marriage together for the children". Mary complains about his all the time and the complaints are gross. She even took me to Disney world a month ago (a thread about that) and complained about him. At least I was better company than he was!

Cockney, what I did a couple of years ago is grosser and it still didn't help and I was actually forbidden. I will tell below but if you don't want to be grossed out don't read:

__________

Mary has a basset hound, Chester. Sometimes, she would go to a conference or something and have Barry watch the dog. Every time she did, Chester would have to spent a couple of nights at the vet for C. diff diarrhea and colitis. Where could he be getting that from?

Once at Thanksgiving, I had to look at a light fixture in their closet (I sometimes do handy work for her) and noticed Chester was laying in a pile of Barry's underwear. I don't want to say anything more. I told Mary about this. The next week, Chester winds up at the vet again.

When I came over to do some work, I brought for her a hamper, Glade plug ins and Cottonelle wipes. I was willing to tell Barry to use them but Mary says "he can't handle the truth" But they do put underwear in the hamper. But I get the feeling she would rather have chester suffer from C. diff and pay $1000 vet bills than tell Barry to wipe (this is before the news came out that Cottonelle wipes were ruining pump stations and sewer systems)

Because he is around sick patients all the time, I think Barry has constant C. diff but it does not "wipe him out" like it does most people.


Sorry to gross out, but I did warn you!

I have told Barry that his cough is very loud and he just says "ok" and ignores me.

loose the barry. get on with your life without him. insufferable humans do nothing for you, or with you unless it benifits them. the thing you need to ask youself is this. is this a benificial relationship for you? do you give? do you recieve? go to the reunion. I know it's hard, but be blank in his prescience. wait for him to say something. if he wants to have a conversation with you, make peace with your mind, and say something he cannot reply to. like if he asks you what you think the weather is going to be like tomarrow, tell him it's going to feel like getting another beer. and than if he still decides to talk and be smart, than just say " I don't have an answer for that". or what would jesus do??? this one works for smarties too. "that's a good answer". especially when it's a question. or " WOW!! ! you should be a magician". or "hey doctor, can you tell me why I have bumps in my groin???" you could even have some real fun at this point, and lie... tell him they look like the shape of a snake, and filled with greenish white puss, and it tastes like piece of rotten flesh. WE LOVE FAMILY REUNIONS!! !!

I found that story very funny. It made my day.

Cockney, glad I made your day. To be truthful, it just grossed me out. I know you have some health problems. Next time you go to a hospital, ever notice how doctors are the worst offenders when it comes to infection control?

We had the get together yesterday and I did use the tips except did not have vapor rub. I went outside, stayed in the room, just came out to eat. I even told Barry not to cough so much but he just said "I cough every day of my life" so he likes it. It was not as long as last year. I had to tell other people to keep the noise down as I had to work on the computer that is my job.

He must work in a small town or do fill work in an ER somewhere then, if he's that bad. I know we get all the docs in our ER down here from Tuscaloosa and Birmingham who have trouble finding work. Some of them probably choose to work here, while for others it's their last chance before getting a job in pharmaceutical sales and not practicing medicine.

One example of one who I hope chose here, is my favorite substitute ER doctor. He's an aspie! I know this because I asked him the last time I had to go see him. I suspected he was the first few times because of some of his quirks, but when he was telling me about this cream that his wife uses for her menopause which isn't mainstream medicine, and I was interested, he was entirely too happy to sit and talk about it for about 30 mins to me, and we also discussed other remedies that we both used in the past that weren't allopathic medicine and he wanted to hear all about my home births and then he talked for a while about home birth. Then I asked him if he had AS. He said what makes me suspect that? (as he grabbed each end of his stethoscope and started rubbing his fingers over it) I told him I have it too and I noticed some things about him that other people would call "off" that I thought were "familiar" instead. He said he wondered about me when I got all excited and sat up even with a migraine to talk about my home births. And also because I didn't zone out or interrupt him or get tired of talking about it. He said only the "Asperger's Obsession" can cause that kind of interest. To be honest, home birth and alternative medicine used to be my special interest, years ago, but not when I met him, but I still like to talk about it sometimes to people who are into certain parts of it and not that crazy "vibe healing" junk.

An example of one who I know has no other choice is a guy who used to have a practice in Bham, tried to stick his nose in politics, and then had an alcohol and drug addiction and lost his practice. He's a nutjob. Nobody likes him. I knew him socially in Bham for some political stuff I did, but I wouldn't trust him to treat my dog, then or now. He works in our ER and according to him, everybody is drug seeking. No matter what, if you have pain, you wan't dope! Even my mother, who is a lot of things but far from drug seeking, who was director of nursing at the hospital he used to admit to so he knows her, and who is old and has a pin in her hip, is drug seeking when it's hurting and her Darvocets weren't doing the trick. He sent her home. Told her heat and rest. No dope. We went to another ER and she had surgery the next morning to clean out the abscess that was in there. Yeah, he's something else all right. Something completely else!

So, maybe this Barry has a small town practice where people have no choice, or maybe he just sees old people who can't hear well or smell, who knows? I know I wouldn't keep going back to a doctor that grossed me out. The aspie doc I'm talking about probably had problems in other places because he dresses like a farmer. Jeans, boots, and a short sleeve button up work shirt. I asked him why he wore that, if he was "trying to fit in with the farmers" and he said no but that's a side benefit, it's the only things that are comfortable, he breaks out when he wears a suit or dress clothes. So, probably because of that inability to "fit in" he doesn't get much work in the city. Their loss was our gain though, I like him a lot.

OOM,
To answer your question, Barry has always practiced with elderly patients and children when he was not with the VA. At the VA veterans don't have much of a choice. At other places, the elderly and kids liked how loud he was and since he refers patients to other doctors I think it is more of a social visit for them. Barry says "I see patients and all they do is whine and complain about their problems". He believes that people should "tough it out" which explains why he refuses to treat his asthma and coughs so much (and is painful for me to hear that). Well if people are supposed to tough it out, why be a doctor? Also, I am sure the office staff has to put up with the noise and the odors or not have a job there. He always practiced outside of Pittsburgh but these towns are not particularly small.

My mother is a nurse and just worships Barry, saying "but he is good with diagnosis and you need to be more tolerant of people" People tolerate you. In fact, I am told all the time all my life not to do certain things and so I don't do them but nobody can tell Barry to not do something. Even when I told him directly he just ignores me. Then he tells the rest of my family and I get yelled at. I have been told by Mary my sister that because I am on the spectrum that Barry bothers me but NT people like him so what do I know? I was told this after I made a statement to someone that I felt that Barry spreads germs.

Yournamehere, I do not have a relationship with Barry. The problem is you don't need a relationship with Barry to hear and smell Barry. Yes, it is that loud and strong. Oh, and another thing, primary and ER physicians are obsessed with people's bowel movements so what you suggested wouldn't faze him at all. Good idea, though. These reasons are some that I don't think aspies should work in health care at all - its just too much sensory overload.

If he's like you say he is, and you aren't exaggerating it somewhat in your perception because it bothers you so much, then I bet you anything that people tell him not to do things a lot. He just ignores them and does what he wants. Sometimes loud overbearing people are that way.