Have you had a benefactor?

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A great boon to the development, self-confidence and well-being of anyone with Aspergers is to have a benefactor, somebody who is willing and patient enough to explain unspoken rules to you, answer questions that might appear "obvious" to others and make you look weird, etc. I can say that I've been fortunate enough to have had such a person as a good friend since my university/college days, somebody who was very enlightened and non-judgemental and who is still my friend to this day. I've also had the benefit of a couple of "work buddies" who explained politics and unstated expectations to me in a patient yet not patronizing way which caused great improvements in that realm of my life.

In this case, my benefactor had never heard of Aspergers Syndrome and it was still the 1990s when it was just discovered; but he was attuned enough to realize that I had struggles with unspoken communication and norms. When we went out to clubs, he even taught me some small talk and to pay attention to a woman's nonverbal signs, which was a difficult concept for me at first but I made some progress.

The trouble for many if not all of us is that we don't have the intuitive faculties to tell early on if somebody is a potential benefactor, or a menace (bully) who will tear us down for their own warped sense of pleasure. That's not paranoia; that's just reality. I'm not being cynical when I say that there are more menace-types like that, than there are people who are willing to help us become better as an "investment" in friendship. I use the word "investment" because I am willing to be much more of a loyal and helpful friend if someone took the time and trouble to inform me of proper social custom; and in real life I have been. Not everyone sees it that way though, they are more likely to use an Aspie as a figurative punching-bag. That means us taking risks with people in search of a benefactor, and I'm glad that in my case it paid off (but I had my share of bad apples, too).

I know that Dr. Tony Atwood and other Aspergers experts/advocates have said something along the lines of "it is possible for individuals with Aspergers to lead productive, independent and fulfilling lives, but they will almost certainly need continued psychological counseling and moral support." And I believe this 100%.

No, I never had a benefactor of any kind. Only what you describe as menace. I've never had any kind of support...I've only received mistreatment.

Never had support. My family thinks I'm just an annoying nuisance that they "have to put up with". My "friends", my 2 of them, are people I rarely see because I don't really enjoy getting together with them because they don't try to understand my struggles or thoughts. They both also have more important things in their lives like a boyfriend and a son. So I'm alone. I've learned many things on my own and actually, I've just decided "f**k it" I ain't living to please others. I gotta be myself, faults and all. I don't see my friends and family changing their faults, so I won't.

I whole heatedly agree with that last statement there. Unfortunately I think that there are many people who have had to go it alone, which is a huge shame. Many people on here may have been able to avoid the depression and anxiety if other people were supportive, and encouraging. It's one of the sad truths about being on the spectrum.

I would love nothing more than to have the support. I myself never had anyone approach me, and tell me what was going on. I had to figure it on my own. Even then, when I told others of my suspicions, they accused me of making it up, and weren't willing to listen at all. It can be quite hurtful; especially when your own family behave this way.

And yes, I've had my fair share of bad people, who have come along, and realised that there was something different about me; only to use this to their own advantages. The manipulators, the bullies; those that shamelessly use and abuse you. Many I believed at first to be my friends.

You should count your blessings, and be sure to tell those who have supported you, how very grateful you are to have them.

I met a girl who really liked hugging people who was an accidental benefactor and helped me with my touch sensitivity. She is still a friend of mine and gives me dating advice (granted of dubious utility but it's still nice). My best friends in high school made fun of me in a way that was actually constructive now and again and helped me to realize some of my behaviors were not socially acceptable. They also helped me with things that are so minor I hardly remember like pointing out that my car was, in fact, beeping at me and that signifies the headlights are on and the door is open. (I was also told that if I called them to jump my car again they would say "NO." Fortunately since receiving this advice I haven't needed a jump in 5 years lol.)

godamnit.. thinking about said behaviors made me relapse just now *facepalms*

I can't think of anyone like that. Most people seem to want to belittle and exclude a weirdo like me. That's why I tend to believe most people are hypocritical and evil.

Yeah, I definitely agree with that last sentence. I've been lucky enough to have the support of my family members to help guide me along my path to becoming a fulfilled and successful individual, so I feel bad for people who don't have that kind of support system.

Nope. Only diagnosed 3 months ago.

Only a financial benefactor, well two actually.
When I was in the Childrens home, these two old ladies used to come in and give the house parents money to put aside for my future, I dont know where they got it from?, maybe they where rich, maybe from their pension, and I dont know how much it was because I never saw it, when I left the home my Mother gave up trying to get the money, they stole it see, who would steal money from an 8 year old abandoned boy and two kindly Old ladies.

I have had the support of my two older brothers always during my life. I guess fifty years ago in my social culture family meant something, it was expected that you watch out for each other. We were also all very close in age so we shared and still share the same friends. By extension my brother's friends also understand me and look out for me, many of them for 30 to 40 years.

I guess by people's standards here I had a reasonable school experience except for the one year where I was not at the same school as them and my best friend had dropped out. My oldest brother was popular socially and also a school "leader" my middle brother was the star of whatever sports team he was on. Apparently you don't pick on the odd little brother of the star football, hockey, or rugby team without serious repercussions. We all attended the same University and joined the same fraternity.

When I got into real serious trouble in my mid thirties both them and all of our friends were there to make it all work out (that was when I received my "diagnosis") and my brothers agreed to stand up to the task when I accepted a voluntary Conservatorship. I see or talk to either of them at least five times a week still.

On the invite to my fiftieth birthday party he set up for me, my oldest brother wrote "Very proud that ...... is my Brother. He is good for me."

Yes. My male cousin of the same age when I was a child. My NA sponsor when I got clean. My ex-fiancé. My dad tried to help me but in a way that was harmful emotionally. Basically, he ridiculed me and browbeat me in order to get rid of some of my obvious oddities. He also taught me to always try to be polite and respectful, to work hard, and not to try to force myself on women. All these things have helped me stay out of trouble. I look for people like this to help me when I am in new social situations because I know that I am vulnerable. I've also befriended people who ended up using me. That's okay.